Going off to Boarding school as eight year old girls

The public attitude to BS has changed completely over the decades. When I was there in 1960s and I was already 15, friends from home were even envious of me. The popular girls comics and Enid Blyton had glamourised it.
Our school, which was probably unusual being a Quaker School so more liberal and less formal than say my brother's public boys school, took girls from age 11. We shared mixed age dormitories, known as bedrooms, and communal bathrooms.
One child I'll never forget, cried herself to sleep every night. When we tried to comfort her she said her parents - new stepfather - wanted to be rid of her. Unfortunately, I fear she was right.

BlueBelle - I wasn't saying that "sink or swim" was how my husband felt (or how it should be). It was his observation of the whole system.

He cannot understand how anyone who has been through it would ever contemplate it for their children - yet many do.

I knew a man who had been at Winchester, as an older boy of course, and who hated it. As an adult he was emotionally stable and very able . His discontent with Winchester concerned forced religion and hypocrisy with undercurrents of bullying. However this was in the bad old days when deference to famous expensive schools was the customary attitude . Caring parents nowadays will listen to what their children say and thoroughly inspect all aspects of any fee paying school combined with healthy scepticism.

My father was in the forces and I went to boarding school at 12. Even at that age it was quite daunting, and I developed a superficial resilience, but I think has it affected me in some negative ways for the rest of my life.

I was surprised when my DS and DDiL put their babies into daycare so that they could go back to work. They had a mortgage to pay, careers to continue etc

Do you not think that we always manage to persuade ourselves that the way we did things was the right way?

After all, it hasn't done us any harm.

It has long been recognised for looked after children that residential care is not the best to meet their emotional needs, hence the huge growth in fostering (there are other reasons as well of course). And yet it seems we can ignore the emotional needs of young children sent to boarding school in search of ‘stability’ or a privileged education. I think it is inevitable they will be damaged in some way.

There is a lot of literature around ‘boarding school syndrome’ and its effects on later life, it has been described as ‘the trauma of privilege’. It explains a lot about many of those in government or positions of power.

My DIL was an army child. She went everywhere with her parents, Germany, Cyprus, Belfast and Gibraltar. She attended 12 different schools. Apart from having no long term childhood friends, she was not adversely affected and went to university and gained a good degree.
On the other hand her brother didn’t do so well at school and flunked his first year at Uni and left to do a tech job. Each child is different and parents will never know if they made the right decisions.

I went to BS at 8 years. Sink or swim it is indeed. But even those who swim have a heck of a lot going on under the water that they keep hidden!! I think probably for life in some cases, unless they recognise the impact of dealing with it at such a vulnerable age!

Boarding School Syndrome by Joy Schaverian is an interesting book as is the website Boarding School Survivors

When my daughter was 8 we looked round a school which had flexi boarding. She was very keen to go but in the end she went to a day school. She was most disappointed. What that says about us I’m not sure. 😂

My father was a mining engineer in Vatakoula, Fiji.
I went off to boarding school in Brisbane aged eight. A group of us used to be flown over between terms.
Always felt like an exciting adventure. I loved the school and the teachers. If I had my time again I’d want the same again.
At age eleven we returned to the UK where I attended the local grammar school and had to live with a violent and cold mother while my wonderful father continued to work abroad.
I used to beg to go away to boarding school.
So I suppose it all depends on the school and on the home.

I failed my 11+ so I was sent to a convent school as a boarder about 20 miles away in the 1950's. I have to admit that I was happy enough and came away with 5 reasonable O'levels, although not a maths to be seen! My mother and stepfather came to every event, whether I was participating or not. Weekends home were allowed every four weeks, letters, as many as you liked! Bicycles were allowed for senior girls when we were able to go into the town on Saturday mornings in twos!
We only had to wear school uniform during school hours, the rest of the time we wore our own clothes, except Sundays when we went to the local church, as opposed to the schools chapel during the week. My DH had parents abroad and boarded at 8! He was deeply unhappy particularly as younger siblings went with parents. Boarding can be a risk. If you like it it's fine, if you don't, it's a horror.

Our children did not board, though they were sometimes jealous of those who did. I did not either. We and they were day students. That was best for our family, children's personalities.

I've never understood why the person who works away doesn't just live away, with the other parent staying home with the children for stability? However it matters not, doesn't impact my family.

I went to BS when I was 8 in the 1960's. Boarding Schools were very different then, although the one that I initially went to, tried to be "homely" it never actually felt like home. I didn't hate it but neither did I particularly happy. To this day I can still feel tearful when I consider how lost I felt away from home at such a young age
Strangely though it also made me strong and able to cope even when times have been tough

My mum & her 2 sisters were born in India and were put in boarding school while their parents stayed in India.
My mum & middle sister went at 6 & 5 then youngest sister joined them when she was 5.
They were there for 6 years with, I think, one visit from parents and one from friends of their parents.
Sometimes they were invited to stay with a school friend in the holidays.
The food was terrible and not very much of it.
My mum had thought the ladies in charge looked jolly and nice but they weren't at all.

I have 2 adult children and I would not have sent them away to board, but I think people saying it is cruel are arrogant, my way is the only way type of people.
Some children love and enjoy boarding school and want to go, as Sago said her son did. I think it's dreadful that parents are called cruel because their parenting choices are different.

A man I knew was sent to boarding school at age 7. In the holidays they paid a companion to take him abroad so he barely saw his parents.
I would have been heartbroken to send my children away.

rafichagran

I have 2 adult children and I would not have sent them away to board, but I think people saying it is cruel are arrogant, my way is the only way type of people.
Some children love and enjoy boarding school and want to go, as Sago said her son did. I think it's dreadful that parents are called cruel because their parenting choices are different.

What if the alternative was for them to go to 10 or more schools and, as a result leave school semi-literate and innunerate with no paper qualifications?

My ex husband went to prep school at eight as it was just 'the done thing'. He absolutely loved it and swears it did him no harm but I think that despite being a basically kind person it stunted him emotionally. One of his sister's on the other hand was traumatised by the whole experience and suffered poor mental health for years because it. Interestingly she only recovered from that once her mother died - perhaps she blamed her? They lived in an area with a good selection of private day schools, and they must have known how unhappy she was being sent away from home, but they still did it!

rafichagran

I have 2 adult children and I would not have sent them away to board, but I think people saying it is cruel are arrogant, my way is the only way type of people.
Some children love and enjoy boarding school and want to go, as Sago said her son did. I think it's dreadful that parents are called cruel because their parenting choices are different.

We'd not send ours away, however, yes it is extremely arrogant (and my way is the only way type thinking) to call such people cruel.

Perhaps the parents should find alternatives for the worker to work away at their employment? Perhaps someone should change jobs?

Yes, judgmental and arrogant to assume we can choose for others.

Yes I agree Monica that is exactly what I am saying, it's right for some families and not for others, and for people to say it is cruel are wrong in my opinion.

I went to boarding school at the age of nine. The only reason for this was that my father left my mother when she was pregnant with me and returned to the uk from Canada. My father never made any financial contributions to us, and so my mother had no alternative than to get a serious full time job, and there was no one else to look after my sister and I after school. This was in the fifties, and the school, although it looks fabulous today on its website, was very spartan by today’s standards. I rarely saw my sister. My mother sobbed when I was formally handed over to the school, but I was fine. I absolutely understood why we were there and never doubted that she would have loved to have us with her.

We survived, it wasn’t so bad and we had a lot of opportunities that we wouldn’t have had at a local school and I think it made us resilient. I would never have considered sending my own children unless circumstances made it absolutely necessary.

This is very much an Army thing. I was Navy and whilst I spent a long time away from my family, they were with their Mum in the home I had set up close to the port where most of my ships docked, and obviously got home as much as possible.

The Army expect SNCOs and Officers to have more concern for their barracks and the mess than the ‘normality’ of family life. It is a key reason why so many ex Army and many ex RAF chaps do not settle when they leave. This is very different from the majority of Naval NCOs who often borrow the money from the Navy to set up a home base with a stable home life, not that long after we marry.

I could never have considered consigning my children to Boarding School, my uncle who worked in Nigeria, sent his son who hated it and was always running away - usually to our home or his Grand ma’s.

I used to teach in a boarding school which offered flexi boarding. I had a lot to do with the full boarders because many were from abroad and my role was to support them with their English language. I must say that all the girls (aged 11 -18)appeared to be very happy. They were able to use the school’s facilities out of hours and were frequently taken out at weekends to Chinese restaurants ( the majority were from Hong Kong),sporting activities or the theatre. Many have kept in touch and all say they enjoyed their boarding experience.

The Army expect SNCOs and Officers to have more concern for their barracks and the mess than the ‘normality’ of family life. It is a key reason why so many ex Army and many ex RAF chaps do not settle when they leave.
I’m speechless! The Army nor the RAF expect no such thing of their officers and NCO’s! I’ve never read such a load of twaddle in all my life! One of my first neighbours as a service wife was a Naval Yeoman’s wife. She saw so little of him that when he came home his children didn’t recognise him! He left the Navy when she threatened to leave him!!

I had a colleague who was divorced whose son was at boarding school, and she used to collect him on Friday afternoon and return him on a Monday morning. He did very well and was very happy at school and she said she thought it was because he was settled and he enjoyed the routine.