Developing resilience.

M0nica. Have you really not heard that phrase before? What it means is please think before you judge. You have no idea what others have been through/are going through. Apologies if I have misunderstood your post.

I have had to dig deep and find resilience and inner strength I never knew I had, when my lovely husband passed away unexpectedly several months ago. I’m having to use every ounce of my resilience to deal with things I’ve never had to deal with before. So yes I think you can develop resilience.

All I can say is I hope you can develop resilience. I'm not sure I have much of it but like many here I have had bereavements and other life troubles. For me personally, I feel I could cope better if my health was better.

Thank you Allira ❤️

Kate1949

*M0nica*. Have you really not heard that phrase before? What it means is please think before you judge. You have no idea what others have been through/are going through. Apologies if I have misunderstood your post.

i have heard it time without number and i still think it sounds arrogant and smug.

No one, but no one can walk in anyone elses shoes. There are just a lot of smu people who think they can, and that makes them feel good.

Oh no you can never truly know what someone else is going through unless you've been through it yourself.

Kate1949

Oh no you can never truly know what someone else is going through unless you've been through it yourself.

We can certainly try through empathic listening.. I agree that culturally and ethnically it is not possible but I do wish people would practise deep listening skills

I think rather a lot of resilience does boil down to interactions with other people. I would always advise that, if someone is angry with you and not telling you, that is a them problem. We should only worry about those who care for us and us for them. Anyone who cares for you will come to you and tell you that there is a problem and they would like to fix it for the both of you. The rest is not our concern.

I live in Lincolnshire, one of the things we have access to is 'The Recovery College ' which offers a variety of different workshops covering a variety of issues. One of them is resilience. The message i took away from it was not to jump to conclusions, to take a step back and ask yourself if what you are thinking is really true. I also try to communicate with my inner child - you wouldn't yell at an 8 year old who was experiencing the same things, so why do it to yourself?

I wish I didn't have so much resilience. The difficulties I have had to face in my life have made me resilient because I didn't have very much choice except to face them and I'm still dealing with difficult people in my later years!

It seems to me that people with low-resilience get all the attention and support they need, so sometimes I just wish someone would see me waving from the back saying, 'Hello... what about me?'

Stuff your resilience- it gets you nowhere. I wish I were a needy wreck with a disability or some addiction or personality fault- there is a price to be paid for being normal and managing, it's called being ignored.

keepingquiet

I wish I didn't have so much resilience. The difficulties I have had to face in my life have made me resilient because I didn't have very much choice except to face them and I'm still dealing with difficult people in my later years!

It seems to me that people with low-resilience get all the attention and support they need, so sometimes I just wish someone would see me waving from the back saying, 'Hello... what about me?'

Stuff your resilience- it gets you nowhere. I wish I were a needy wreck with a disability or some addiction or personality fault- there is a price to be paid for being normal and managing, it's called being ignored.

It is a question of being resilient and assertive.

Yes, resilience can mean that you are ignored, but I have always considered it one of the bonuses. I can get on with my life with out people faffing round me all the time. But if I do need to be recognised and helped, I can be very clear about asking for that help and not being ignored (well not often)

keepingquiet

I wish I didn't have so much resilience. The difficulties I have had to face in my life have made me resilient because I didn't have very much choice except to face them and I'm still dealing with difficult people in my later years!

It seems to me that people with low-resilience get all the attention and support they need, so sometimes I just wish someone would see me waving from the back saying, 'Hello... what about me?'

Stuff your resilience- it gets you nowhere. I wish I were a needy wreck with a disability or some addiction or personality fault- there is a price to be paid for being normal and managing, it's called being ignored.

In the middle of one the worst years of my life a well meaning soul patted me on the arm and told me that God only gives people as much as they can bear.

And thinking you mean I could have avoided all this if only I’d been weaker?????

I also believe resilience can be born out of trauma. My darling dad died in very unusual circumstances over which he had no control. I was 6 and half years old at the time and very much idolised him, my poor mum struggled to cope with the situation she found herself in, a widow with three young children to raise. Without the love and support of her mother and sisters we wouldn’t have become the people my brothers and I have become, but the one thing that sticks in my mind is my gran’s stance was what doesn’t break you makes you stronger and she refused to allow us to be broken. I’ve faced other difficulties in my life, but try to remain positive. My happiness depends on my positivity.

The thing is, how can we not be resilient? What's the alternative? It happens. We have to get through it.

My DM had an awful childhood but she managed to remake herself and was a really good mother to all of us four children. I think it was partly her nature, but she also said that her strict but loving maternal grandmother saved her.
That's how she was with us. She praised us for effort and thoughtfulness, not for anything that came easily. Of course she took pleasure in our achievements, but we weren't made to feel that they were the reason for the love our parents gave us.

Lathyrus3

keepingquiet

I wish I didn't have so much resilience. The difficulties I have had to face in my life have made me resilient because I didn't have very much choice except to face them and I'm still dealing with difficult people in my later years!

It seems to me that people with low-resilience get all the attention and support they need, so sometimes I just wish someone would see me waving from the back saying, 'Hello... what about me?'

Stuff your resilience- it gets you nowhere. I wish I were a needy wreck with a disability or some addiction or personality fault- there is a price to be paid for being normal and managing, it's called being ignored.

In the middle of one the worst years of my life a well meaning soul patted me on the arm and told me that God only gives people as much as they can bear.

And thinking you mean I could have avoided all this if only I’d been weaker?????

Yes! This! It annoys me when people say I should just ask for help- do they think I really haven't done this?

Did I get help? Ye sometimes but more often these days I'm just told the help isn't available and I just have to put up with it.

Even AgeUK recently told me to try to claim disability benefits even though I am not disabled!!

Has the world gone mad? Answers on a postcard...

I think the saying 'God only gives you as much as you can bear' isn't meant to be unkind or unfeeling. I feel it is saying, have faith in yourself, you are strong and will get through it. it is trying to give you confidence in yourself and I would take that if someone said it to me. I am trying to be positive here {smile}

Lathyrus3 I often think the world has gone mad , but then change it to the people have gone mad.

Thanks for your comments. She meant well.

Obviously she didn’t see the irony in it, that occurred to me🤔

This is a hard one for sure, I think you are somehow born with resilience, it is part of your make up. Yet I know people who definitely developed it through childhood for various reasons, strict parents, the sort of must obey ones if you follow. I had a very loving upbringing with few rules and became very independent from a very early age. My late brother always said I should have been the boy and he the girl. He was far more sensitive than I appear to be to outsiders, Yet I am quite sensitive inside, but would never say or show it, I have a front which call a spade a spade and people think I am very strong and very resilient. I have been through losses that other people crumble by, yet have had the resilience to get through it and feel stronger. Strong enough to help others who are not so resilient. I honestly do not know where it comes from, but I do think it has to do with attitude and determination.

It is possible to have empathy. Sometimes other people's feelings wash over you!

It is developed by having to cope with hardships of various sorts

HiMay

It is developed by having to cope with hardships of various sorts

Absolutely, and resilience is what all current good parenting methods seem to discourage.

Parents now are encouraged to make their childrens lives as stress free and as idyllic as possible. Parents are encouraged to talk and explain everything to their children, never get cross, avoid punishment and so on and so on.

The trouble is that it is very difficult to disagree with all this, you can hardly encourage parents to shout at children, clip them round the ear and treat anything they say with disdain.

But I do think all children benefit from having some kind of difficulty or problem to deal with in childhood, where they can develop their resilience, within the security of a safe loving home..

Neural diversity runs in our family. It has caused problems for me, for my children and my grandson, plus their were/are health problems that also contribute to us all having to deal with difficulties at school, and with other people generally.

I have no idea how we can ensure that all children have this 'opportunity'

I was thinking about this when I woke up this morning.

An example of resilience came to mind - Simon Weston.
He is a wonderful example of how to overcome adversity and cope with the challenges life has given him.
Is he resilient because his early life gave him a good foundation on which to build or was it inherent? Is it because he has people who have supported and helped him along the way and he accepted that help?

I still don't know the answer because help is available for others who have suffered trauma too but they might take a different path and end up in dire straits.

I can think of other examples too such as young Tony Hudgell, who is an inspiration to us all.

If there's no choice but to be resilient, then most people can drum it up from somewhere, I think.

Even people who have a terrible home life and become criminals show resilience, in that they learn to do what they need to get by.