Care home thoughts

My Mum’s story is like Aveline’s. She had already said that if Dad died first she wanted to go into a care home. A community nurse who visited her a few days after he died was going to visit one that very day, recommended it and offered to take me with her to see it. Job done!
Mum enjoyed the company. She often went in the lounge the men mainly used as she said their conversation was more interesting! She went on outings. She didn’t have to worry about cleaning or where the next meal was coming from. She had help to wash and bathe. She got more exercise as the corridors had support rails. She had seven good months before she sadly died aged 92.

My dd is a manager in a care home. I cannot begin to say how dedicated she and her staff are. Each resident is treated as an individual, there are plenty of activities for those who want to be involved. There are staff with extra qualifications to enable them to care for residents with dementia. They go the extra mile to ensure everyone's beliefs are respected even though a social worker suggested they not bother because " they won't know if its vegetarian, vegan or anything else" I agree choose carefully, visit first and I hope all goes well

Our local nursing home, where DH spent his final seven weeks, was above all kind which more than compensated for his small room. He felt safe and able to let go of life and had the peaceful end I wanted for him.

I don't normally believe in telling lies but my mother would sometimes ask when she was going home. I would ask her if the doctor had said she could go and she would look a bit puzzled.
I would then say 'have you got your key?' She would spend ages rummaging in her bag and would find it so then I would say 'that's good, you'll be able to let yourself in'. Her house had been sold but I didn't tell her that. The stress of dealing with dementia is awful. When it reached the stage of me sitting next to my husband with tears dropping off my chin he said 'it is me or your mum'. He had been very good doing things like taking a meal to her every evening while I dished ours up but he had had enough.

My mother's care home was like this , loads of activities going on and a really lovely atmosphere, I have told my daughter already this is where I want to be cared for, hopefully I will get a place. Only thing is when do you make that decision , my mother was nearly 90 going in and lived till she was 95.

Susan56

I am looking for a care home for my 92 year old mum not for myself!

I was responding to Aveline the OP!

I dread having to go into a care home. As others have said some can be very good but the cost is considerable and once any savings you have run out then you probably get shuffled off into a local authority home and experience tells me some of these are atrocious. If you have no-one to advocate for you or seek out a suitable place then you can end up anywhere and be miserable for what's left of your life. Very sad.

My 82 year old DH has advanced dementia and has been in a care/nursing home since June . It is wonderful, the staff are all extremely friendly and jolly, so the general feeling is always happy and welcoming. I think we chose the right time to put him into this place as he has never queried where he is or why and doesn't mention home at all. We chose the home very carefully and it is expensive but so worth it!

I would not like to go into a Care home just yet! I have my cat for company. I have 100’s of cd’s to listen to & books to reread! My collection of Dragons that cost me a lot to buy. I would miss all of these especially the thought that my little older boy cat would need a new home, would someone else love him & care for him? So think I will muddle along as long as I can unless something nasty happens!

I was advised to let my husband go into a nursing home as the stress of caring for him at home was far too much for me and helpers to cope with. He had to be watched day and night as the dementia became worse. I finally agreed and my children chose a home as I was too ill. We thought he would probably only be there for a few months at most as physically he was very weak.
I visited often and was pleased how he had settled, he was even taken to the local pub for lunch with a couple of friends he had made and I was told he was doing really well.
The few months forecast turned into two and a half years and apart from a couple of concerns from me he was looked after until the end which came peacefully in his sleep with a loving carer by his side at 4.00 am.
When my daughter who is an undertaker arrived to collect him a couple of hours later he had been washed, shaved, dressed, hair brushed and looked so peaceful.
The carer who was with him at the end came to his funeral and was so distressed she told me it was like losing her dad she thought so much about him.
I am fiercely independant but I’m getting older and I suppose the day will come when I might have to consider going into a home but not just yet I hope.

It’s all very well saying choose your care home carefully but my late fil was funded by the local authority who would only pay x amount . So we had to look at the cheaper ones . Luckily we found a lovely one with caring kind staff. He had dementia and thought he was in a hotel as it had wood panelling throughout and a lovely garden .
Interestingly a friend who was a domicillary dentist who went into lots of care homes recommended it . And had told his kids , that’s where he wanted to go .
Sadly the owner died and his family sold the house and land to a property developer.

More expensive certainly doesn't mean better in care homes, though.

Sago👍🏻

Luckygirl3

The simple fact is that homes vary enormously.

And that is the problem.

The surroundings and actual buildings will of course vary.

The standard and level of care should not be a variable.

Moving into a care home can be both good and bad for people. I was talking to a friend who was telling me about a friend of hers whose husband had just moved into a care home and it was costing £3000 a month. When I pointed out that it was £100 a day, all expenses and bills taken care of with 24 hour care, it was quite a shock to see it that way. Most people would pay more than that for the daily cost of a holiday. The guilt is the worst feeling- I know- both my parents had to go into residential homes- the guilt never goes😩

I worked in a lot of care homes 30-35 years ago as an agency night care assistant, mainly dementia homes. There is not a thing on this earth that would ever make me agree to move in to one and I really hope that my daughters will respect my insistence. Neither would I live with them, I hope I’ll have the wherewithal to take myself off to the deep blue yonder if ever they decide that I can’t manage to live alone.

My eldest child is very disabled, aged 60, lives with me, I`m 81 and not very fit or able. The whole family think she would be better off in a care home, but she is adamant that she won`t go into one. The trouble is that when I`ve gone, the rest of the family don`t have the facilities to look after her, so she will HAVE to go into a home then, but I don`t know how she will cope.

Would she agree to try a weeks respite in a home?

twiglet77

I worked in a lot of care homes 30-35 years ago as an agency night care assistant, mainly dementia homes. There is not a thing on this earth that would ever make me agree to move in to one and I really hope that my daughters will respect my insistence. Neither would I live with them, I hope I’ll have the wherewithal to take myself off to the deep blue yonder if ever they decide that I can’t manage to live alone.

30 years ago, hopefully, doesn't give an accurate picture of how care is now.
It certainly shouldn't.

We looked at so many carechomes for my mother and my Fil (both had dementia) and would just say that in our experience the most expensive certainly didn’t strike us as the best. Cosy and homely, even if a mite shabby round the edges, with cheerful, friendly staff, is IMO much more important than ‘Homes and Gardens’ decor.

No, MissA, she won`t hear of even that.

What a shame, Hellogirl1, because she probably would enjoy herself.

My Mother had to go in to a Care Home in 1994, thirty years ago. I had Power of Attorney and paid £800 per month for her care. I only had to pay for toiletries and
clothes, when necessary. Her State Pension, Attendance Allowance, and Occupational Pension covered the bill. and Occupational Pension covered the bill. It was one of a number that were provided by the Council.
Why is it that fees have become so extortionate? Is it because nowPrivate Companies are making huge profits out of the old and vulnerable?

I just went on the online inflation calculator, which says that £800 in 1994 is worth £1,994.21 today, so the rates are now higher than purely inflationary. I’d guess that increased regulation, including minimum staffing level, accounts for part of that.
My parents are both 95, and still living in their own home, with a lot of support. They are both fiercely independent and would hate the structure of living in a care home - my dad says the only way he’s leaving his home is in a wooden box. It’s a constant worry for us, but it’s what they want.

That's what my mum used to say, too, but what an absolutely terrible last year or so she had, in her own home.