Random old bloke telling me to ‘Cheer up!’ 😩

Doodledog, those on this thread who think that this man should have his expectations realised in a cheerful smile, just ignore all the posters that have had the "cheer up" said to them in the aftermath of a personal tragedy in their life. They carry on regardless with the mantra, "what's wrong with asking someone to cheer up?", the previous person could have posted, "I've just lost my husband/child" or they might be experiencing some physical pain. They ignore the wider narrative of how younger women are hassled on the street by some unknown man who use the "cheer up" as an opening gambit and don't leave it there, when they're ignored but continue to crank that up into verbal abuse. They ignore the fact that everyone, including men do not have a permanent smile on their face, but only women have this said to them.

Of course it's their prerogative to react in a way they see fit, but equally I'd say to anyone, do not try and impose your reasoning on others, you do not know how anyone is feeling inside, what tragedy they may be dealing with, or how they have previously been affected by being harassed by men unknown to them in the street.

Bottom of Page 4 of this thread, I was convinced that Terribull and Doodledog had (for me) said it all. But here we are, pages later.

If it’s not a tired, old, attention-seeking chat up line, then it’s only a) a criticism or b) an instruction. From a total stranger? How can that ever be acceptable?

Sit up, move up, stand up, cheer up, shut up! Is that ok?
Or, we’ve never met but I’m going to criticise your facial expression. Whatever next?!

I’m sure no woman would ever say that to a stranger. Well done, Witzend for your very controlled response.

Cheer Up! To me, the most offensive opening gambit when speaking to a stranger, ever.

I agree, Terribull. I dislike this sort of social control, and yes, it's women who suffer from it. I grew up being told to 'take that look off your face', 'don't use that tone of voice' and more. My brother wasn't subject to that - my mum would roll her eyes affectionately and mutter 'boys will be boys'.

Obviously I couldn't answer back - I was expected to keep my feelings to myself, not sigh, tut, or let my thoughts show on my face or in my voice. It's stultifying, and I can't agree that it's 'just one of those things people say'.

The man saying it might not have thought it through, just as not everyone who uses other sexist or racist language has necessarily considered the implications of what they are saying. Not everyone thinks before they speak, but that doesn't make it ok. Witzend calling it out might make him think about it if nothing else has.

Witzend

If a man makes you feel uncomfortable, you don't need to justify your concern by asking the rest of society (or GN) if they think you are being unreasonable.

Humans have an instinct for self-preservation, so do animals. Theirs is more precise because threats are more basic, ours is less perfect because we've evolved and human interaction is nuanced. Men can feel intimidated by other men, sometimes without any words being said; "what you looking at?" is not an uncommon reaction when a man feels threatened by the facial expression of another.

Your man may well be harmless, probably is - he just forgot to hold his hand out when good-manners were being dished out.

But the fact remains that random men have been harassing random women for God alone only knows how many hundreds of years with superficially harmless comments - chiefly "cheer up" and "give us a smile". I suspect many or most of them when either ignored or given 'the look' just continue with their day because they are mentally balanced enough not to take it too personally; but a little research will prove that this isn't always the case because some men take this rebuttal as a personal slight which dents their fragile ego. I'm not going to give a litany of all the reactions some women have experienced - suffice to say they vary in the degree of abuse and threatening behaviour, and in some instances actual physical assault.

Your man might well be unconsciously sexist, has no knowledge of, nor interest in, the harassment of women that has sometimes escalated from the simple edict to "cheer up" or "smile".

Women do not exist in order to make other people's day comfortable with a cheery smile. In fact, neither do men - but we do tend to allow them the privilege of looking thoughtful, focused or simply 'not smiling' without passing comment on it.

Just go with your instinct Witzend, if it turns out to have led you to the wrong conclusion, there's no harm done - apart from perhaps a little dent to the gardening-man's ego, but if he's harmless, he'll recover quickly and give it no more thought than he did when he told you to "cheer up".

It's interesting that so much concern is being expressed for the man's feelings and possible dent to his ego, and so little to the feelings of Witzend, isn't it?

Doodledog

It's interesting that so much concern is being expressed for the man's feelings and possible dent to his ego, and so little to the feelings of Witzend, isn't it?

Isn't it just!

It shows that men still exert power over some women who will always believe the man to be right. Supporting men in this way perpetuates their belief that they can say whatever they like to a woman.
I have an 18 year old GD who is often assailed by men making lewd comments when she and her friends are out. Some of the men are old enough to be her GF.

Good for you Witzend. And you are right to bet he would not have said it to a man .

It is very rude to ask someone , a stranger, to change the look of their face. This man possibly doesn't know he behaved as a what used to be called a male chauvinist pig.

It's reasonable to be offended by such people, as we all need to presume that strangers will be neutral if not actually friendly.

Doodledog

It's interesting that so much concern is being expressed for the man's feelings and possible dent to his ego, and so little to the feelings of Witzend, isn't it?

It might be conditioning.

Women are so used to men making comments - and nothing ensuing from it - they just accept it as normal.

Or men trying to be 'friendly'. Which then results in us appearing churlish if we complain about it. Or even ungrateful!

How many GNetters would attempt to be friendly with a passing man by telling him to "cheer up", I wonder?

If I was a lonely old woman and wanted to strike up a conversation, I'd use the very-handy "looks like rain again today" or "lovely day" tactic - it allows the other to either nod and walk on, or engage in an intense discussion about unreliable British weather.

Perhaps we just feel sorry for (apparent) lonely old men? To the point where women have to, as usual, accommodate their feelings at the expense of their own?

Dunno, it's a bit of a puzzle.

I haven't been conditioned. I don't feel any more sorry for an old man who may be lonely, than I would feel sorry for an old woman.

I don't regard what this man said as being sexist nor do I
consider all the other examples to be acceptable, but they are not what was said.

Perhaps people are conditioned to automatically do as they're told if a male instructs them.

Being told "cheer up" doesn't mean you have to.

I certainly wouldn't cheer up because someone told me to do so . Being told what to do doesn't cheer me up, and more does having my feelings dismissed as a joke/banter.

The words themselves aren't sexist, but a man telling a random woman what to do is, which is the point, really. Men can go about their business without people commenting on everything they do, and women should be able to do so too.

Everything they do?
That seems to be a bit of a stretch.

Doodledog

I certainly wouldn't cheer up because someone told me to do so . Being told what to do doesn't cheer me up, and more does having my feelings dismissed as a joke/banter.

The words themselves aren't sexist, but a man telling a random woman what to do is, which is the point, really. Men can go about their business without people commenting on everything they do, and women should be able to do so too.

The words themselves aren't sexist, but a man telling a random woman what to do is, which is the point, really. Men can go about their business without people commenting on everything they do, and women should be able to do so too.

Precisely.

A little research will indicate that there are an awful lot of women who are resentful (actually, I'd like to user a stronger word but it might not be well-received) at constantly being told to "cheer up". And it is, nearly always, men who say that to random women who they've never met and who just happen to be in their vicinity.

It's not as bad as some of the things they say to women; it's not explicit sexual abuse or innuendo, but it's all from the same damned stable... men making personal remarks to a woman on her appearance - they don't know her, she's a complete stranger, but they feel they have the right to say whatever they feel like saying. It's sexism.

I agree with that.
The tip of an iceberg.

I was sitting in a pub and my male companion had gone for a pee. A man detached himself from his friends and came over to me and said "cheer up". I guessed he was making a pass but was infuriated by the rude way he did it. I stood up and expressed my anger. When my companion returned the oaf attempted to apologised to my companion saying he did not know I had been accompanied . Neither man understood why I was so angry.

Believe me, I understand, Caleo.

Neither man understood why I was so angry!!!?

I hope your partner does now, Caleo!

attempted to apologised to my companion saying he did not know I had been accompanied

Caleo

I was sitting in a pub and my male companion had gone for a pee. A man detached himself from his friends and came over to me and said "cheer up". I guessed he was making a pass but was infuriated by the rude way he did it. I stood up and expressed my anger. When my companion returned the oaf attempted to apologised to my companion saying he did not know I had been accompanied . Neither man understood why I was so angry.

When my companion returned the oaf attempted to apologised to my companion saying he did not know I had been accompanied

He was apologising to your companion because obviously an unaccompanied woman is fair game (which is why you didn't get the apology) if she hasn't got a male escort, which he was sure your companion would understand... which presumably, he did!

It never occurs to these oafs (I like that) that a woman could possibly be in a pub to have a drink, read the paper, and not actually need or want their attention.

Doodledog

Believe me, I understand, Caleo.

Me too. 🤬

Sukie, nobody want to be vulnerable but women and girls still suffer from male supremacy.

Not Spaghetti, "I hope your partner does now, Caleo!"

He was not my partner only a friend. Actually, when he returned he was completely bemused by the situation and remarked he had never met another woman who when he
left her to go for a pee would return to find her in the middle of a pub brawl.

Apologies Caleo.

I was incandescent in a pub once over a different (but similar) thing.
My husband was in the loo too!
#itcouldhavebeenme

Also had a 'pub' incident.

I was with my (late) ex and he'd also gone for a pee, leaving me standing at the bar.

In the meantime a man appeared by my side and started chatting me up (it's a universally acknowledged truth that a single woman in a bar must be in want of a man). He was gaining stride when my OH appeared.

He understood straight away what was happening and plonked himself next to the man and said in a very loud voice, "you draw a lot of water don't you - are you trying to row yourself in with my wife"... OH was a Thames Waterman and always spoke in these nautical terms.

The man apologised - and actually bowed - and scuttled off.

Obviously it is not a good idea to go to a pub with a man who is going to need a pee. Perhaps we should insist that they go before leaving the house, as we probably did with the DC. Anyway, what sort of lady would find herself in a pub in the first place, I would like to know?