New relationships when your children are young

Annieback, Doesn't it depend on the person? If it comes at your own happiness then yes. Some people happily choose to remain single for the sake of their children.

My MIL's husband died very young, and she raised 3 children on her own. Never once did we ever hear of another romance, or even a date in all those years. But she was happy with her decision.

Deciding not to get involved in a new relationship is not choosing to be a martyr

I really think every case is different. A friend of mine was a single mother at a young age, met a nice man when her children were just 6 and 4. They took things slowly, eventually married and had two more children. The first two boys look upon their step-father as their real dad, the one who raised them and loved their mother.

I do agree that a mother should prioritize their children, but if a chance for love in a healthy relationship is presented, then why martyr yourself?

Gangan2

My daughter was 7 when I was left to bring her up on my own and between being self-employed, running a home and caring for my daughter I didn't have the energy to date anyone even if I had wanted to ! It was a most definitely a conscious decision on my part as my daughter was badly affected by her father leaving and I didnt want her to feel she was having to share me and to support her 100% .

Well done. Some parents think because they can draw a line under things and move on that their kids can too. My brother was told to move out and he says he will go to his grave with the image of his 12 year old daughter nearly pulling the wing mirror off his car as she was screaming and trying to stop him from leaving. She would not let go of the car and ran down the road holding on to it. It affected her for the rest of her life and still does. Mother had a new man moved in within 2 weeks despite knowing how upset she was.

My ex left me when the children were 4 and 6. No way did I contemplate another relationship. They had already lost one parent, they did not need to "lose" the second parent to being preoccupied with developing a relationship with a stranger to the children.

My two are now adults with grown-up families of their own, and stable, long-term marriages. I do not regret the lack of a partner for myself since 1977, it has been worth it to see my children's steady lives.

But, I do understand that some cannot live without emotional and financial support, so maybe this is the only way forward for them.

My daughter was 7 when I was left to bring her up on my own and between being self-employed, running a home and caring for my daughter I didn't have the energy to date anyone even if I had wanted to ! It was a most definitely a conscious decision on my part as my daughter was badly affected by her father leaving and I didnt want her to feel she was having to share me and to support her 100% .

I have to add that I didn’t find it at all hard being on my own with young children.

Anniebach

I didn’t put my life on hold, I didn’t stagnate my life, women need a man to fulfil their lives ?

Exactly, Anniebach. It was the same for me. I had a very interesting, full life and definitely didn’t stagnate! The brain doesn’t die if you are widowed.

My daughter was four when my relationship with her father went downhill (too many black eyes). I moved back in with my parents until I found a home. I met an old friend when she was eight. This was thirty years ago. She disliked him as a young teenager but apart from that they adore each other and gang up on me. I never spoke badly about her father and there was unlimited access. I left her to come to her own conclusions 'Mum, why is my dad such a wanker?'. He died fifteen years ago from the drink. My partner continues to give her all the support she requires and will defend her to the death. She never had any 'uncles' and my partner never purported to be her father, even though he does a far better job than her biological father.

Being on your own with young children is hard and I think that women try to find support and happiness again in another relationship. But I think you need to tread with caution about how soon you introduce a new partner.

Iam64

Of course the children come first but there are some easy judgements and generalisations here

Very true. Some women feel very wounded and unloved/ unattractive when their husband leaves them for someone else.
It’s very understandable if someone shows you that you’re attractive and wanted that you succumb to that attention.

i agree, a split can affect children, affect them even more by bringing other people /children in it.Blended families, no thanks.Children need a place of belonging and safety.

I didn’t put my life on hold, I didn’t stagnate my life, women need a man to fulfil their lives ?

These are all very sensible and morally correct answers…BUT left alone with 2 small children, (in my case) many women are not happy just to have to concentrate on the children.
They also have needs and are often vulnerable and in need of financial AND emotional support.
Maybe they shouldn’t want anyone else…but for many, children are not enough to live their lives for to the exclusion of a life for themselves. Not necessarily just a new man, ut work, vocations etc, and in making a new life, you meet new people.
Sensible to wait perhaps …but EMOTIONS come into the equation here …. And I can say all you have said IN RETROSPECT…but at the time…not so easy to decide to put your life on hold for years. We have a limited time on earth and just as long as the children are well cared for physically and emotionally I see no reason to stagnate your life…it’s not going to help your children to have an unfulfilled mother, that could make things worse!

Think we all have this story in our families. My brother oldest first wife went off with someone else she didn’t mention him when they broke up. First knew about him saw online few months later they got married he tried all ways to cut us out of life. So he could have his perfect ready made family. Didn’t happen his son made sure. 5yrs later mum as now divorced from him. Grandchild as a few issues and is only 11.

But do people "leap into new relationships with no thought for their kids"?

By staying single after a divorce, or the death of a spouse, surely you are conveying an unspoken message to your children that marriage was so dreadful that you are not going to risk it again? Doing so will damage a child as much as a new failed relationship would.

And who says a new relationship is bound to fail?

Single parenthood is very hard work and surely not something anyone wants to choose?

I know someone who has had a succession of relationships...at work someone actually likened her to a butterfly flitting from one relationship to the next.
Some were not healthy at all from what was said but within a matter of weeks, the next person would arrive!

Her two children are now both young adults approx 19 / 22 and both are living chaotic and unstable lives with her daughter (22) just giving birth to her 03rd child...social services are involved and the whole saga is very, very sad.

I'm in no doubt it's partially been created by the life she led and actually still does.

My husband died when my children were 9 and 6.. I had no desire for another relationship, and the elder boy in particular would have hated it. I just couldn’t imagine putting another person into my family.

As has been said, some people can cope with being alone and some can’t. I didn’t and don’t find it difficult. The children have grown up fine and are happy, successful adults. Like Anniebach, I have no regrets.

There were many women left widowed after WW2, my MIL was one of them.
When she eventually remarried, DH had a wonderful, supportive stepfather and then a new brother, to whom he is very close despite the age gap.

It depends on how the situation is handled, surely?
A child subjected to an acrimonious breakup or a succession of different "step-parents" in their life will not be happy but, if the adults realise that the children's welfare and happiness is paramount, then it may not mean disaster.

The case you mentioned Dinahmo, sounded as if the child's needs were not really being met by the mother.

Of course the children come first but there are some easy judgements and generalisations here

I think new relationships are fine as long as they are treated as extra friends rather than substitute parents, just like mothers' women friends. I think that making children responsible for one's social life is placing too heavy a burden on them, they can worry that Mum will be lonely if they are not with them, and stunt their own social development.
It is like when I hear mothers say, in front of their children, that they don't bother to cook for themselves if the children are away, it is really not fair on the children to give them responsibility for their mother's diet.

eddiecat78

Are you applying these "rules" to father's too? I hope not. My DS was desperately unhappy following his marriage breakdown - his life revolved around work and seeing his children just at the weekend. Most of his evenings were spent alone. We were very relieved when he met someone - they took the relationship slowly especially with regard to her being with the children. They've now been together 6 years and the children adore her - and her children adore him too.

Had the father been the children's main carer, ie they lived with him, then yes.

Are you applying these "rules" to father's too? I hope not. My DS was desperately unhappy following his marriage breakdown - his life revolved around work and seeing his children just at the weekend. Most of his evenings were spent alone. We were very relieved when he met someone - they took the relationship slowly especially with regard to her being with the children. They've now been together 6 years and the children adore her - and her children adore him too.

Theexwife

I am happy alone but not everyone is, some people need a partner emotionally and financially.

If the children are very young to them a new partner is just another friend, they do not understand the romantic aspect.

They can still have a relationship just wait a few years to move them into the family home. Children are more important than any relationship which may or may not work out. Don’t forget the child is probably still upset and missing the parent who has left or been kicked out.

Even very small children understand a lot more than people give them credit for. The brother of the 12 year old niece I mentioned was just 3 when his parents split. He saw his Dad regularly and straight away said he wasn’t allowed in his Mum’s bed any more and when his Dad asked why he said “because X (the new man) sleeps there now.” Which was a shock to his Dad because he was told there was nobody else involved in the split.

I am happy alone but not everyone is, some people need a partner emotionally and financially.

If the children are very young to them a new partner is just another friend, they do not understand the romantic aspect.