Three and a half years since he died, but Christmas feels so hard ..

Lucky,Rosiesmaw,Iam, I rember your posts,as I do many other GN's on here of the struggles and heartbreak of your losses, Cabbie another recent loss ,I wish you, and all other grieving Grans peace in which ever way you find it,and christmas, this too shall pass,today the nights will slowly draw out after the shortest day sending my love and hugs for all who need it.

Luckygirl, my husband died around the same time as your husband so we are on a similar journey, I wish you well.

My heartfelt thoughts go out to all those who have lost loved ones throughout the year and especially over the Christmas period. My dear mum died 7 years ago just before Christmas. The saying 'Time is a healer' isn't always true

My sympathy, Luckygirl, it gets harder rather than easier I find. Two years ago DH was in a nursing home, wanting to die and not engaged with life; the presence of DD and DGD1 provoked an amazing response from him, an almost Lazarus like revival for the time they were here. Once they had gone home he simply turned his face to the wall, as his GP put it, and faded away.

So yes, I find this time of year very hard and have to force myself to be part of it for the sake of others. Hope all those of us with a mixed feeling about Christmas get through it and perhaps even find some joy too.

My love to you, Lucky girl. I have said, and I say it again: Christmas is a cruel time of year. Many of the worst things in my life have been around Christmas and New Year, And yet, we continue to celebrate this season. My love and sympathy to all of you to whom Christmas brings back sad memories.

Lucky

Luckygirl 💐 it’s very tough when Christmas comes and brings up sad memories. My mum died peacefully at home on this date 5 years ago, but at a great age. We celebrated her life that Christmas. Then 4 years ago my DH was just about able to watch the GC open their presents and enjoy a family gathering for a hour . He died on New Year’s Eve at home from cancer 5 weeks after diagnosis. He was nearly 73 not a great age and I find it difficult to believe it’s 4 years ago . Just so much has happened since then without him being here .

So many in a similar boat - sending love and hugs.

I dont have a partner but I can remember like it was yesterday that my much loved grandmother died a few weeks before Christmas 1979. She was closer to me and meant far more to me than either of my biological parents. It was not unexpected because she was in her 90s and physically very frail. However she was sharp as a tack mentally right to the end.

In my last significant conversation with her I had told her of my plans to give up working in local government and apply to university. I assured her that I wanted her to be on the front row as a guest of honour when I went to collect my degree.

She asked me how long it took for a degree and then said

"Well I wont be here anymore child because I think the Lord will take me soon. But wherever I am Ill be watching you and I know you'll make me proud."

I stopped observing christmas after her death as all the meaning went out of it for me. I dont decorate, send cards, or give gifts.

Eventually I did graduate and I was thinking of her when I went up to accept my degree. She was sitting on the front row with all the local bigwigs.

It's the second Christmas for me, I think I was still in shock last Christmas because this one seems so much harder. What would have been our wedding anniversary was earlier this week which makes it even more difficult. Seems as if I've been either sobbing or tearful for weeks now, just can't wait for it all to be over and done with.
I hope it's not too selfish/wrong/inconsiderate or whatever to say that knowing others are sharing the same sort of feelings does make it easier to bear. I know I'm not the only one and I hope for the best holiday period possible for all of you.

An interesting item on Loneliness on this morning’s Woman’s Hour - presumably available on Sounds.
I agree Luckygirl and others about that first year..
Yes it is the worst thing you could imagine - although I don’t think anybody can actually imagine it however kind or empathetic- but I agree, the shock can numb you to the realisation that this is it, for ever and there’s no coming back.
We meet real kindness after a bereavement but after a bit, when you are seen to be “coping” not sobbing your way round the supermarket any more, they tend to if not exactly forget, at least put it on the back burner. Probably with a sigh of relief.
And just as losing a leg doesn’t improve with time( (it doesn’t grow back!) so the loss is no less. We just get better at being seen to deal with it externally.
For me the second year was also worse than the first and frankly I don’t expect to feel any different this year. But as others have said, we pin a smile on, try to believe that life does in fact go on, even if we don’t particularly like the way it is.
Things are never “for the better” they are what they are . to all in this position.

My first Christmas this year - hoping it gets better .

Luckygirl so hard to go through that and hard to relive it over again in memories

Grief is the price we pay for love ❤️

To all those people missing loved ones . My mum would have been 100 last week and my lovely Father the week before and I cried, they both died in the run-up to Christmas.
Christmas isn't a happy time for everyone and we never forget them even if we appear to.

RosiesMaw thank you for expressing how it is for you so well. My feelings mirror the ones you describe.
I’m blessed with family and friends but the huge space left by my husband’s death remains. My 4 and 7 year old grandchildren stayed last night, parents on the Christmas razzle. They always talk about grandad , I had a cry once they were tucked up after the bed time story

I can't really offer much consolation except to say it does get a bit easier, eventually. Nobody who has not experienced Christmas without a much loved one can imagine what a triggering experience it can be. I used to find the rest of the year hard but do-able if I put my mind to it, but Christmas........
I know all this is little comfort to you but I will be thinking about you as yet again I shall not be "Simply having wonderful Christmas time."

I love the way my GC talk openly about Papa - I know he would have loved that they do this.

RosiesMaw - you are right that we seem outwardly to be coping. One or two people who have known how low I have felt this year in the run up to Christmas ask: "Oh, dear, what has happened?" They think some new tragedy has hit me and do not realise that it is the same one that is always there. Others understand thankfully - but I do not blame those who don't.

We are navigating an everyday sadness that is all around us and part of so very many people's lives, but it still seems that many people do not get the fact that, however many happy things you experience (and truly enjoy), you carry this fundamental hole in your life that never goes away..

Love to all of you who are 'coping' with Christmas, loss seems somehow more difficult at this time of year, perhaps because of specific memories, perhaps because of the enforced jollity. Five years ago today was my Mother's funeral, a strange time with people wishing me a Happy Christmas.......

This will be my third Christmas without DH and my fifth without DD1. It doesn’t get easier - just different.

Talking about them - we always raise a glass, helps but I’m careful to keep a lid on my emotions for DD2’s sake. She has lost her sister and her father after all. I sometimes feel Gransnet is the only place where I can ‘talk’ to those who understand.

We’ve had the good times and they sure ain’t coming back but we’re stoic enough to know the importance of moving on in a way that will hopefully give our families the best of memories when our time comes.

Hang on in there, folks!

I am in the fortunate position ( or unfortunate) in having 2 of my closest friends lose partners too and we are very supportive, phoning each other often and having a cuppa together. But I did have a friend ask me to a New Year party and to bring a friend!To be honest they never have been my scene eve when DH was alive , but his death on NY’s eve makes it more a no no 😟.

This is a comforting thread with kindness empathy and shared feelings of loss especially at this highly charged emotional time of year

Much kindness in this thread.

Luckygirl3 We are navigating an everyday sadness that is all around us and part of so very many people's lives, but it still seems that many people do not get the fact that, however many happy things you experience (and truly enjoy), you carry this fundamental hole in your life that never goes away.

Perhaps that hole is what my sister-in-law references as a rock, always in her pocket, the edges rubbed a bit smoother, but still there.

My worst fear, for all who experience such sadness.

I found this year very difficult as DH loved to see the GDs, he would have been so very proud of their achievements and the lovely young ladies they have become.
Christmas night is always spent round the piano with carols and other favourite music and that is when I feel his absence the greatest, not having him standing beside me.
GD would play for him when he was dying and it comforted him.

My thoughts are with you. First year I coped better than this year.
It is very hard, try to stay strong.
Sending love

I too am finding Christmas hard to cope with, it’s my first without my daughter who died in May as the result of a very traumatic fall down the stairs, and as she suffered from a life long heart and lung condition, she would not have survived the surgery she needed to save her and we had to agree to let her go. We were with her till the end, so, like many people I for one will be glad when Christmas and New Year are over.