To be or not to be a grandmother.

I do not think the question is the problem. It is when it is asked that matters. To be the first thing someone says when you meet them after a long time is weird. To exchange family details as a catch-up conversation develops seems fine, but it is the fact that it was the first question is what makes it so odd and why the OP started the thread.

My children are all in their 30s and none of them are interested in having children, which doesn't bother me one bit. People occasionally ask if I have any grandchildren yet but I don't take offence. It's a perfectly natural question.

Yes, weird, and out of order, really. As Judy54 says above, no one should be defined by it.

To some extent, and for some not, having children or not can be a choice (and not at all for many, sadly for them if that is what they wanted)- but grandchildren?

Yes it was an odd question a simple how are you/long time no see would suffice. When you don't have children it is hard to be asked if you have grandchildren because the other person automatically assumes that you must have children. If you don't they find you odd but have no idea if you desperately wanted them or chose not to have them. No one should be defined by whether they are a Mother or not but about how they are as a person.

Ramblingrose22: I can understand how you are bothered by the grandchildren question and try not to ask it. Our daughter went through a very hard and sad time for a few years trying to get pregnant and her sadness broke my heart. She was finally able to have children although she was starting to think about adoption.

I agree with Granny Rose15 that we shouldn't judge people harshly for trying to make social chit chat. Haven't we all made social faux pas over the years? I certainly have. I had oral surgery this morning. While the dental assistant took my blood pressure and covered me with a warm blanket, she was making friendly conversation about Christmas and asked if I have grandkids. I do and I celebrate Christmas. What if I didn't have grandkids or was Muslim or other religion? Should I be bent out of shape?
Before Covid shutdown, I was visiting two women friends I've known since our kids were toddlers. One is into genealogy and was talking about where she and relatives were born. I asked my other friend where she was born and she snapped back, "Not here!". It really stunned me since I thought were close friends. I had forgotten that she had been born in Durango, Mexico, and she and her husband used to joke that she was the " Durango kid". I didn't mention that and didn't say anything because I was taken aback by her tone of voice.
We were all in my car and I was driving so I don't think she noticed. I don't remember the conversation after that but it just carried on between them normally.

As another Gransnetter with no GCs I too find it very irritating when people ask if my ACs are married and/or how many GCs I have.

It may just be a part of casual conversation or a conversation lubricant but it is also insensitive to many people who would dearly love to have GCs but their ACs can't or have decided not to have children.

I never ask other people whose circumstances I don't know if they have GCs and if asked myself, I would either change the subject or say I am in a rush to get to an appointment.

M0nica

I find it disconcerting how if you say that your grandchildren are not the be all and end all of your life, you are immediately seen as cold, selfish and uncaring.

Interesting isn't it.
My working life is looking after other people's children.
Nine of them currently, all school age, three I've had since they were babies, one since he was only three months old.
I'm used to supporting the parents, which is what I hope I do for my grandchildren.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Social chit chat is becoming a minefield Yes GrannyRose15.
All those things you mentioned have their dangers. I used to think “Hasn’t the weather been lovely, wet, cold etc, until I was lectured about “ the dangers of the sun/we really need the rain/ etc. I’ve only found “Isn’t the fog awful” to be safe topic.

Goodness me, what's wrong to just say, "nice to see you/bump into you. How are things going?"

Don’t you think it’s a bit weird not to begin with something about “them rather than a question about people that might not exist anyway?

It’s kind of like the person you’ve just met hasn’t got anything interesting about her if you launch straight into wanting to know about other people.

I agree with you, grannyrose. It is just a casual conversation lubricant. Sometimes you come across someone you haven’t seen for years and why not ask if they have grandchildren? If they don’t have any, fine but if they do you have something in common you can chat about. No more,no less. I sometimes ask if they have ‘greats’ and not many do but so what ?

M0nica

I find it disconcerting how if you say that your grandchildren are not the be all and end all of your life, you are immediately seen as cold, selfish and uncaring.

Yes I have found that to be true MOnica.
It can be irritating.

"minefield". Though maybe the mistake was Freudian.

I found this thread interesting because before today I had naively assumed that almost everyone using a site called Gransnet would in fact be a gran - silly me.

But as we have all learned this week in is incredibly difficult to come up with an opening query when trying to start a conversation.

"Where are you from?" is out of bounds and now it seems "Do you have grandchildren?"is too.
"What do you do?" has long been seen as disrespectful to stay at home mums, the unemployed and the retired, and "What does your husband do?" is wrong on so many levels.

We could of course try, "Who did you vote for in the last election?" That would at least have the advantage of giving you a chance to walk away if you didn't like the answer.

Perhaps "Do you believe in an omniscient, omnipresent God? might get the conversation off to a roaring start.

Please don't judge people too harshly for trying. Social chit chat is becoming a mindfield.

I think their comment was crass LRavenscroft.
Some people have no social filter.

I use children or grandchildren as a bit of extra background. Once you've done the "How are you?" "What have you been doing all these years?" The children or grandchildren questions fit in with the are you still playing tennis/ bridge or whatever. or the did you carry one with your dressmaking/gardening/ writing or whatever. Questions about grandchildren wouldn't be the first thing to come to my mind.

I really wish asking about the state of someone’s uterus wouldn’t be a topic of casual conversation. There are so many people who choose not to have children, who want them but experience infertility, failed adoptions and miscarriages, that asking could cause someone pain.

A simple, “How have you been?” works. If someone wants to talk about children or grandchildren, they will. Otherwise, it’s really nobody’s business, unless you’re taking medical history.

M0nica

I find it disconcerting how if you say that your grandchildren are not the be all and end all of your life, you are immediately seen as cold, selfish and uncaring.

So true MOnica

I have been asked frequently “any grandchildren yet” for 15 years since our first child married. The answer was “No” then and is still “No”.
It is not my prerogative to decide if I get GC but I don’t feel I am to be pitied. That would feel insulting.
I can’t miss what I haven’t had.

Sorry that upset you LR.
She could have gone for a more general
conversation starter-
How are you?
Where are you living now?
How’s your family?
Have you been anywhere nice on holiday?
An unmarried friend gets asked all sorts of impossible questions.
Maybe your school friend had just been with her grandchildren so they were top of her mind.

I find it disconcerting how if you say that your grandchildren are not the be all and end all of your life, you are immediately seen as cold, selfish and uncaring.

It's strange how people become almost obsessed with their grandchildren and their lives. I've seen it with friends and on GN. It's a very odd way to start a conversation though.

Really odd way to start a conversation, I'd say. Lathyrus, an old friend of mine responds to queries about his spouse of 40+ years with the starting point " well, she's still my wife..."