Do you go to funerals?

Almost all funerals I have been to were in church and were uplifting occasions, celebrating the person’s life, and the hope of eternal life.
In more recent years, I have attended some where the burial has already taken place, privately, for close family only. The service in church which followed was a brighter occasion.

I live in rural Ireland, and as Grannynannywanny and BlueBelle have said, when someone dies in the community, most people either visit the house to pay their respects, and/or go to the church and burial. Not many cremations around here. There’s a local tradition of the neighbours digging the grave, which is not as unpleasant as it sounds! My husband, though not originally from the area, or even from Ireland, was delighted when he was asked to join the gravedigging party for someone who lived nearby. A local publican plied them with whiskey and told dirty stories to keep them entertained!

Unless it’s a particularly tragic death, the funeral is a celebration of the person’s life and a chance to meet and chat with friends. Sometimes there is a simple cup of tea and a bun after, but often these days there's a 3 course meal which is appreciated if travelling a distance.

Yes, I’ve been to several family funerals in Ireland in recent years BlueBelle and all have been open coffins. It’s still a strong tradition. My own Irish mother was the only one in the family who broke with tradition. She was adamant before she died 20 years ago that her coffin was to be closed. She said “don’t have me lying there and everyone gawping at me!

I’ve not seen the upturned chairs tradition since my grandparents funerals. The graves were dug by male relatives and neighbours. When the job was done the men would each have a large glass of whiskey and pour the rest into the grave.

My parents were from Southern Ireland but died here and had 'ordinary' funerals.
We were in for a shock when our much loved uncle died in rural Ireland. We were taken to the funeral home the night before the funeral where our uncle was lying in the open topped coffin. We stood around the coffin praying with several other people. The lid was then put on and it was carried up to the church with a crowd walking behind. There was then a church service.
The next day there was the funeral service then another service at the graveside. We were in shock. We had no idea about all this.

It depends on different cultures too I suppose .I have worked with many different cultures and many different funeral beliefs . I have attended some funerals of a number of very elderly not close friends or family but to increase numbers , maybe that’s what the OP’s ex is doing .When my husband died some of my distant relatives I had had no contact with since my mother’s funeral the year before, came to DH’s funeral and it was lovely to see them and I appreciated they did make the journey to attend. Not really had a lot of contact since though ! I think funerals are entirely for the people left, so apart from saying I wish to be cremated I have left it entirely to the family to decide what to do.

Grannynannywanny

I have vivid memories of when my grandparents died in rural Ireland in the 60’s and 70’s. They lay in an open coffin in the house for 2 days and the house was full of family and neighbours day and night reminiscing, praying, endless pots of tea and ham sandwiches and of course a generous supply of whiskey for anyone who wanted it.

The coffin wasn’t closed till minutes before we were due to leave for the funeral and everyone had said their final goodbyes. At that point the woman from the neighbouring farm was left in the house and as was customary she upturned all the kitchen chairs onto the table. This custom of not leaving the house empty until after the burial and upturning the chairs was so that the deceased person’s spirit would move on and not linger in the house.

It sounds like that film 'The Others" in it the dead had been put in a chair and photographed . What you say sounds a lot like my friend told but not the upturned chairs.
I had Orange relations from Ireland and they stood around the grave holding hands except for two who didn't, they joined with the others to form a circle after the internment.
In DH village the journey from the church to the graveyard the coffin was put on what looked like a railway bogey and someone walked in front tolling a handbell. It was gut-wrenching to walk behind when it was someone close like my FIL.

Still happens grannynannywammy although I didn’t know about the chairs but the body still lies in the open coffin in the house

I only go to family and close friends and sometimes a person who has been a close colleague at a club or society that I might belong to.
I can’t image going to a funeral for the sake of it.

I attend funerals of those I really care for but never go to the afters.

I have vivid memories of when my grandparents died in rural Ireland in the 60’s and 70’s. They lay in an open coffin in the house for 2 days and the house was full of family and neighbours day and night reminiscing, praying, endless pots of tea and ham sandwiches and of course a generous supply of whiskey for anyone who wanted it.

The coffin wasn’t closed till minutes before we were due to leave for the funeral and everyone had said their final goodbyes. At that point the woman from the neighbouring farm was left in the house and as was customary she upturned all the kitchen chairs onto the table. This custom of not leaving the house empty until after the burial and upturning the chairs was so that the deceased person’s spirit would move on and not linger in the house.

Only family and close friends and I would avoid them if I could.
A few years ago someone in our village died we did not know them but saw the procession through the village,all on foot joining in as their house was passed.
We decided then and there Ashes to Ashes and scatterd somewhere we like if the family want to, otherwise at the Crem.
I might leave a request for Edith Piaf's "No Regrets', and if he goes first DH is getting Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing in the dark& Better than the rest". He doesn't know it though, DD's do.
When I was young we had quite a lot of Irish in our community and the custom was for the whole neighbourhood to keep their curtains closed until after the funeral and turn mirrors to the wall.A friend who is Irish told me their wakes were something to be believed with the open coffin propped up in the corner and everyone legless.

Only family and close friends. My sister in law died very suddenly and unexpectedly last Wednesday so we are in the throes of funeral preparations now. My husband is a retired priest and so he will be taking his sister's service. Her children put no pressure on him to do so but he couldn't bear the thought of some unknown person from the crematorium making a hash of it so agreed to do it. I'm sure he'll go into 'work mode' but it won't be easy for him. Funeral not until Jan 13th. Christmas preparations have ground to a halt.

Only if I have to.

But at MILs funeral lots of people turned up for the coffee and buffet afterwards. A couple of old dears told me it had been a fantastic party 😦

Only if I have to. I was at a funeral and only 8 people turned up, it was so sad as he knew loads of men from his local pub. I suppose he wasn't buying them drinks that day so they didn't bother. My sister wants go straight to crematorium and now I'm thinking along the same lines.

Only if I really have to. I’ve made the decision not to have one. DH is very keen to have one for him.

Only family and close friends.

BlueBelle

Is he Irish kircubbin ? the Irish seem to love funerals and go to and many as they can get to even someone they ve just passed the time of day with. Its almost a weekly hobby

I wondered the same BlueBelle. My relatives in rural Ireland attend the funeral of every person in their parish for miles around. It’s the done thing and no matter how many hundred folk might turn up my cousin’s nosey husband would be able to tell you who wasn’t there !

Is he Irish kircubbin ? the Irish seem to love funerals and go to and many as they can get to even someone they ve just passed the time of day with. Its almost a weekly hobby

No I only go to very very few funerals in the last ten years
I ve been to two very close friends husbands my cousin and a close friends lad who committed suicide none in the last four years I don’t like funerals at all and want a very brief little goodbye for my family and then I can be whistled on the wind out to sea or in my favourite bluebell woods which ever they prefer

No, I don't go to funerals. There does seem to be a lot more direct cremations now which is what I would organise for anyone I had to plan a funeral for.

Thank you Smileless. She was 74, looked nowhere near it. She was slim, trendy and a lover of life. Cancer had other ideas.

My friend would take time off work to go to the opening of an envelope, let alone a funeral! She’s been to funerals for staff members she didn’t know and from different locations.
I’d go to those for people I knew/know and now DH isn’t around, I’d probably attend some who I didn’t know, but on his behalf, if that doesn’t sound stupid? I’d probably introduce myself after the service, then leave.
When DH died during Covid, we were only allowed 15 mourners, but our cul-de-sac turned out to applaud his coffin as the hearse was driven out.
I’m not bothered about a funeral - I won’t be here to see it!

Crossed posts Septimia
My H isn’t scattered to the four winds.
He is in a box in my wardrobe waiting for me to join him, then the family know where we want to be together.😌

No I don’t go, and personally I have a burn and return funeral booked. There might be the odd occasion if it was a very close relative I would go but generally not for me.I try to be kind and nice to people while they’re alive and give them a bunch of flowers occasionally,not wait till they’re dead!it’s quite amazing how many people turn up to funerals especially people who have been in care and had no visitors whatsoever.. but very well attended…🤷‍♀️😬..

I didn’t have a funeral for my H and I am not having one for myself. All arranged with family.
I haven’t been to one for several years now.
At 85 it is too daunting and I was once told by a niece of my H , I suppose it will be you two next.

I live in a village. If a villager dies, those in the community who knew the person (even slightly) go to the funeral to support the family and pay their respects. It's just the done thing. So I go, along with my neighbours.

It means that I've seen all sorts of funerals. Many are very uninspiring, a few are worthwhile, but all have been what the family wanted. I definitely want a proper funeral even if there aren't many people left to attend it! It might be a case of "dust to dust" but I don't want to be swept under the carpet, carted off to the crematorium without ceremony and then scattered to the four winds.