Can teasing be subtle bullying?

I was teased and made fun of by my mother when I was a child/teenager. I hated it, which I think made her do it more.

Sometimes it was about my personal appearance e.g. my thunder thighs, or other times it would be when I was struggling to do something.

I was an only child so maybe missed out on sibling banter which may have hardened me to this type of comment. Or maybe I was over sensitive?

I have never been self confident in terms of my appearance even though I don't have any particular outstanding features. I am average in every way.

Because of my experiences, I would never tease a child or make fun of them

Bullying can be very subtle and often passed off as "banter" or "joking". It becomes bullying (which is a form of harassment) when the object of the remarks has made it clear that they find it offensive or unwanted but the behaviour continues.

One of my nephews was "teased" in a workplace when his boss asked him directly if he was gay and he admitted to it. Lots of tasteless jokes about "shirt lifters" "batting for the other side" and "better stand with your backs to the wall" etc. This was back in the 1990s and of course would be illegal now. In the end he resigned and on my suggestion went for constructive dismissal. The company settled out of court.

The tactic suggested by one poster of making someone explain what they mean and then continuing to pick at it can make the teaser feel very foolish. However they might turn around and accuse you of bullying them. Im glad I no longer have any connection with the corporate workplace.

VioletSky

I have a very simple way of dealing with inappropriate comments, sarcasm or jokes at my expense which I learned having the sort of brain that took a few extra years to understand that sort of thing.

Now I just say I dont understand what they mean and make them explain till they feel awkward and go away..

It works perfectly for something discovered by accident

I've heard all too often 'That was meant as a joke', but at whose expense? I suppose if it is loving teasing with someone very close to you it may be a form of love language. However, if it is teasing with an element of superiority and harshness, then it is subtle bullying. Does one need to tolerate if unwelcome? I would call out the teaser if I felt demeaned in any way.

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Witzend

Definitely. Especially when aimed at someone known to be sensitive/vulnerable, and followed by, ‘You’re just too sensitive/touchy!/ Lighten up!/You can’t take a joke! etc.

Well, maybe someone can't take a joke.

But why should they be required to do so by Joe King?

There is no law that says anyone needs to take a so-called joke by Joe King or by anybody else.

What else does Joe King consider they should be able to take?

I wonder how Joe King would take waking up in a police cell with a ten o'clock in the forenoon appointment with the District Judge.

We used to have a friend who saw himself as ‘life and soul’ and thoroughly enjoyed teasing/taking the P out of people.

He and his wife were once staying for Christmas, plus we had my mother, who was hyper-sensitive and could not take any teasing/making fun of her, so I explicitly asked this friend not to do it.

Guess what - he did it anyway, over Christmas dinner, and my mother was very upset. As usual, everything was all about him, and his idea of being ‘funny’.

He was really dh’s friend, not mine, not the nicest in other respects, either, though I’m still very fond of his wife - and I can’t say I was remotely grief-stricken when he died.

Chewbacca
If I got upset, I was accused of being "precious". If I got angry, I was told that I had no sense of humour and "couldn't take a joke". If I ignored it and pretended not to care, they did it more to get a reaction.

You have my sympathy. I’ve been in a similar situation. It is bullying, but wasn’t seen like that at the time.
It’s also seen differently when different people are involved. An elderly lady near our childhood home said to my brother, “Goodness me! You’ve grown since I last saw you!” My brother promptly responded, “Well you’ve shrunk since I saw you!”
Guess who got told off for bad manners!

Definitely. Especially when aimed at someone known to be sensitive/vulnerable, and followed by, ‘You’re just too sensitive/touchy!/ Lighten up!/You can’t take a joke! etc.

MissAdventure

Maybe that could be an interesting thread in itself?

Yes it has the potential to be an interesting thread.

I think that a new thread would be best as otherwise this thread would go off-topic.

A link to the new thread could be added in this thread.

I can't imagine how that must have been.
I can try to see what a profound affect it must have on someone, though.

Yes great idea for a thread MissA. Kindness was alien to me until I was an adult.

Maybe that could be an interesting thread in itself?

Here on earth, I reckon.
What do you think we're here for, stardreamer?
It's fine if you don't want to say.

MissAdventure wrote It's what we're here for, really.

By here do you mean alive on Earth or do you mean on Gransnet?

No you've not.

It is just life, as you say, but well.. we all have our reasons for wanting kindness.
It's what we're here for, really. (Hopefully)

I was “teased” by my father, mother and brother.

As an adult I realise it was abuse.

Doodledog

I’m lost now, but I wasn’t in any way having a go at you, StarDreamer.

Well, the Englishman had heard the song La vie en rose being sung and he liked the sound of it, but did not know what most of the words meant, but he had heard the words La vie en rose and misunderstood it to be the similarly sounding L'avion rose, which translated into English means The pink aeroplane, so he asked the band to play the song about the pink aeroplane.

It is an old joke, I first knew of it over fifty years ago, it is not a joke that I made up myself.

I suppose that if the band leader knew the joke he might have then had the band play La vie en rose.

Thank you SD. Oh goodness I've turned this into a poor me thread (again).

MissA Thank you but it's not really awful. It's just life isn't it?

Kate1949

None of it bothers me now. It used to upset me. I was very sensitive. I'm nearly 73. I've been joked about, patronised and insulted many times. I no longer take any notice.

If it helps, I regard you as a kind lady who helped me.

Ah, Kate,that's awful.

None of it bothers me now. It used to upset me. I was very sensitive. I'm nearly 73. I've been joked about, patronised and insulted many times. I no longer take any notice.

I’m lost now, but I wasn’t in any way having a go at you, StarDreamer.

Doodledog

Callistemon21

Like telling the joke about the man who, in Paris, asked the band at a venue to play the song about the pink aeroplane. [^simile^]

What am I missing here?

No idea, but it doesn't feel very nice.

I think that 'teasing' can be tantamount to bullying. My father used to say some cutting things, and if my sister and I got upset we were told that we couldn't take a joke.

Even now, my mum insists that he wouldn't have said things if he knew they were hurtful, but it's not true. The gaslighting is almost as bad as the comments, as it leaves you unsure about boundaries and when to stick up for yourself.

Good natured banter between friends is one thing, but as soon as someone shows signs of discomfort it really should stop.

The joke is harmless and entirely suitable for mixed company.

I intended to put

Like telling the joke about the man who, in Paris, asked the band at a venue to play the song about the pink aeroplane.

I should have put the Englishman to indicate a translation misunderstanding.

The joke mentions Paris because it is two phrases in French that sound-alike but have different meanings.

L'avion rose means the pink aeroplane

La vie en rose means something like life in the pink

That is a famous French song.

Edith Piaf sings La vie en rose

Oh yes 'in jokes' are pretty uncomfortable unless everyone's 'in' .