Do you tell your AC arrangements for when you die??

A short discusion, as my son doesnt like talking about dying. After the sudden death of my husband I was in complete turmoil as I had no idea where to start. I did not want to put my son through the same turmoil, so I asked my son if he would be ok with me not having a full on funeral just a simple cremation ( no attendees) he said he was. I want my son to remember me as me not just a body in a box ! I have written a to do list for him in order of importance after my death, this plus my will and other papers I have given him to look after and I have copies at home.

My older brother still hasnt written a will and I keep on at him to do one!

We are at the moment in the process of updating our Wills and have just sorted out POA for each other. I have a file with most of our details in it, but am mindful that I really need to update it. Our eldest son has put all his details and wishes (especially regarding what should happen to our 2 grandchildren should they lose their Mum and Dad) on a USB stick; we have a copy - seems a good idea and it's easily accessed and takes up no room at all. I think we will do the same (when we finally get around to it!).

My parents have told me where their wills are and what they'd like done for funeral arrangements. (They want to be cremated as you can bury two sets of cremains in a single cemetery plot.) Some time ago, they talked to us kids over Zoom and we agreed on which of us would take responsibility as executors to the will, agents for their personal directives, and enduring power of attorney. (The latter two are legal documents in my area. A personal directive stipulates who you appoint as your agent to make decisions on your behalf should you become unable to do so, and an enduring power of attorney is similar, except that it deals with finances, which are not covered in a personal directive.)

I have given DD my will and the details of the prepaid funeral. DS could access my banking details if necessary and all the important documents are in a drawer in my bed room.

I would feel so guilty leaving behind a mess, so I have written everything down (probably too much detail) including lists of heirlooms and family history research. Maybe I'm a control freak, but I want to be sure they aren't left wondering about anything.
It is a difficult subject to broach, and can only be done in a practical frame of mind not in an emotional one. Much like a will, where you have to imagine everybody dying and what would happen. Can't afford to get emotional about all this, but I'm sure some of our children will find that difficult.

I know my parents' arrangements and have provided our children with a copy of our will. It seems sensible to provide it and then put it aside, hoping it is not needed for a very long time!

Yes very important to have POA and Wills but also to sort out relevant paperwork, it definitely makes things easier for the Executors of a will.

Sorry to hear this grand mattie! I had similar difficulties when twin died in early adulthood- having to root through her things. Things were simpler back before IT got so complicated. My father left files clearly labelled to help find everything and it was most helpful. My parents left a list of contacts by the back door, and my mother marked up her address book with helpful details such as cousin or how they knew people, to help once they were gone.
I am not so organised ( and have an awful memory for passwords and names) but although have wills as our only AC has disability ( dependent on us) I suppose my husband and I should be making lists and files to help each other! Thank you for the reminder! Sensible not morbid!

My father in law passed away last year and oh what a mess he left behind! No one knew where anything was, how many bank accounts etc. There were three properties, he lived in one and let the others, one was let by a woman who runs a dodgy 'bar' and she had been there 48 years! Turns out she hadn't been paying proper rent and had amassed 24 k arrears. The worst bit was that he had not renewed her letting contract and she is now in situ and cannot be removed for another 3 years. No wonder the contract couldn't be found! We also found a safe box with no key, even when he knew he was very ill he didn't tell his AC anything they needed to know.

I do wish he had made at least some basic arrangements or told his relatives some of the details but he too was one who had the attitude that it would no longer be his problem. It was stressful and upsetting.

I already have mine mostly organised. We have an insurance for the funeral etc

Really sorry to hear that

A lot of the clearing out and sorting is going to have to be done, with or without a will, and that is probably the most awful part, I think.

I wish everyone had a will and death arrangements!
Our son died recently aged 39, unexpectedly and inexplicably. He was single, died alone, leaving a son of 17 who lived with his mum. We had not a clue what he wanted, where he kept anything: all his passwords were on his password protected phone - we were told we needed a court order to open the phone. Needless to say we didn’t and are still muddling along as best we can - clearing is house, selling it, organising all the utilities payments and advice, etc. Not an easy job for two old farts who expected to go before him!

We have up to date wills and powers of attorney, for both finances and health and welfare.

However I keep meaning to do what my mother did - put all relevant paperwork in a briefcase or similar, and make sure they all know where to find it. Plus a list of anything valuable, otherwise just get the house clearance people in.

Another thing my mother did, before she developed dementia, was to write us a letter, to be opened after she was gone. By the time she died she’d had dementia for many years and hadn’t known any of us for several of those , so having that letter was lovely - like having our ‘old’ mother back again.
I must do that, too.

MissAdventure Many thanks!

AC means adult child.

Have looked in acronyms but can’t see what AC stands for?
Agree about putting affairs in order - I have LPA for my mum’s finances, but not health. She just said ‘You’ll know what to do’ ?

i have had to go into hospital for cancer ops over the last three years , had one last month. all my papers are left out on the table including my bank pin number, my only son knows that i do not want a funeral service just the straight cremation and scatter in rememberance garden, i do not have a will as he is the only family i have and everything in the rented house can go to the charity. i do not think it is doom and gloom, i am 58 but a practical person and don't see any reason to leave my son to try and cope when i know he will be very emotional.

I've told my grandsons to throw it all away. It's only stuff of no consequence to anyone else, so the plan is for them to bin the lot, then live here together and get decent internet as a priority.

Fantastic organisation Franbern, I only wish I'd persuaded my late husband to do the same once he became ill. So sad and awful ploughing through his personal papers.

I did have my paperwork in order but since I've moved need to make sure I have a 'place' for it. I also need to organise and pay for my cremation at the Co-op, I've been putting it off.

of course, makes it much easier for them. Same about organ donations, DNR, etc, etc.

I absolutely agree with what you're doing, Franbern. There is such sadness after a death and the last thing people want is to be searching around for paperwork.

hazel, I’m afraid the enduring/ lasting power of attorney is valid only whilst you’re alive. It can’t be used as a bridge between death and probate. Your bank accounts etc can’t be lawfully accessed after your death until probate is granted.

Apart from making a will which is obviuosly important we have also drawn up an enduring Power of Attorney for my son which I feel is just as crucial.
Waiting for probate can take quite a while as I have found on several occassions, this way he will be able to access everything he needs once we die.

I try but my son (only child) refuses to talk about it. Being an only child myself I know how much will eventually fall on his and his wife’s very busy shoulders, assuming I survive my husband. Will made. Doing my level best to leave as few possessions to be sorted as possible and paperwork in order. Will make a note of which few items are inherited from my GPs etc which he might want to keep. Going to make funeral arrangements too so they don’t have to worry about what I would have wanted, even down to writing a few notes for the vicar to say something about me (don’t want eulogies from family etc). It all seems so morbid but I want to leave as little hassle as possible for others.

I went to a WI audition meeting a couple of years ago. One of the speakers worked for an undertaker but also had her own little business. Basically, she wanted to help people with various arrangements before their death and how to leave everything in an easily accessible place. So, any special funeral arrangements, Will, bank accounts etc. My father did this so when he died back in 1978, mum knew where everything was. He had a big file and it contained everything she needed. However, at the WI thing, the helpful lady did not get enough votes to be put on the speakers list!