Are you okay? Are you really okay?

A family member of mine had a breakdown over the Christmas period, after being mentally stable for some time. They were, on the outside, behaving normally, going to work etc but I spoke to them on the phone a few weeks before and I mentioned to my husband I didn't think things seemed as they were. Obsession with a neighbour, non stop manic talking, lots of laughing. Mental illness isn't just about being sad is it? thankfully the MH crisis team were fantastic and everything is much more positive now. It's so complex.

I am sorry about your daughter Anniebach

Haven’t read the thread yet, but will do in a minute. Just wanted to answer the question quickly, because no, I am absolutely not okay. I’ve absolutely had enough of it all. I’m sick of having our civil liberties curtailed. I got serious Covid despite being extremely careful so lockdown didn’t help me. I was hospitalised for twelve days and was extremely ill. Now I’ve more or less recovered I want my life back.

First I must say your son sounds most considerate.
I had difficult times when I married my first husband to whom I had my children but I divorced and moved on.
I remarried and our life improved dramatically I have a lovely family and three little granddaughters. I am missing my family and not cuddling my little granddaughters its unbearable. Lately I have been tearful it’s not me I am usually a strong person.
Our friends are all in the same boat but we have supported each other via WhatsApp. But I have noticed each one of us is crumbling under the stress their husbands included. We all retired about eighteen months ago around about the same time as each other. This retirement has been so far a nightmare we just want it to end.
I will say this we really do ask each other constantly how we are and support each as best we can. Thank you for starting this discussion.

Katel1949 - I feel for you.
It is not easy to talk to people about our deepest fears and feelings.
In many cases probably easier to talk to a helpline as then it is someone independent.
If my family ask how I am I always say I'm fine.
Because if I try and explain otherwise they will usually try and offer a quick fire solution or I tend to hear about their current problems which lately I have found stressful, so now receiving weekly counselling through MIND, via Zoom.

I say 'I'm Ok' or 'I'm fine' every time I'm asked. If the follow-up 'really ok?' was asked, I could very well crumble. I have had to steel myself so often in the past year, that I should be rigid by now. But I can say, hand on heart, that I have never thought of suicide, because I still care for my family and, knowing how much they care for me is what keeps me going and hoping.

I watched the Roman Kemp documentary in suicide amongst young men and it was heartbreaking and I have two sons.
One very young group of lads decided to ask each other twice are you ok. After losing their friend to suicide.
I saw a male friend recently who is much older and asked him if he was ok and he said yes but I wasn’t convinced. So. Asked him again and then he spilled the beans. So ask once then ask again. It works

This thread is very timely.

Last week I felt very anxious and depressed and I get panic attacks too.

I always assume that when people ask me how I am that is just out of politeness, not because they really want to know.

I have been under a lot of stress since the beginning of Feb over the sale if my late mother's flat and my sister has stopped talking to me because when she started bullying me over accepting a very low offer I told her behaviour was unacceptable. I know I was right but it's been very upsetting.

I try to keep busy so as not to concentrate on how I am feeling. If I get things done I feel better and I am planning to use the free relaxation stuff on the Calm app to help too.

I send my best wishes to everyone out there who feel they are not coping.

What an interesting and helpful thread this is. No, I am not fine. Like many, on the surface, all is well, no financial worries, no health concerns, but there are unresolved issues just under the surface, my son, my brother to name but two

Sorry, posted too soon as DH came into the room. Along with the concerns, I have overwhelming guilt that I am unhappy when others have such massive things to deal with.

I saw this on the Roman Kemp documentary, most people ask the question, then when they get the reply “ I’m ok” everyone thinks it’s all good, but if you ask it again like your son did it, it then means more than just a throw away comment. It was a group of teenagers from Ireland that started to ask the question twice and Roman said he would start to use it as he thought it was great idea.

My brother committed suicide at the age of 28 because a girl he was in love with would not marry him. Its so sad because if he had only managed to work through his feelings he would probably have found somebody else sooner or later.
The girl felt everlastingly guilty but she did not love him anyway. The only way his suicide could have been prevented is if she had said she would marry him... My mother was completely devastated and so were all his siblings. You never forget it. Condolences to all whose close family members have died by their own hand.

grannyactivist Are you okay, really okay?

You say but I’m doing a suicide training course at the moment and the subject is on my mind constantly.

concerned. Hope you have support.

It is so refreshing to hear people’s personal stories, not someone they know, story.
Yes we MUST let those closest to us how we are. When DH got prostate cancer, he wouldn’t tell anyone, especially not our, by then, AC. It was very hard on me, as I don’t have many friends. I eventually persuaded him to come out. So much easier - but one thing I would add, is to make sure the caregivers are cared for too. Not once in the two or so years that his life was not particularly easy, did anyone ask me how I was. I had a little breakdown once things got better. He is very, very well, although they can do nothing for him anymore.
I too had PND with all three DC and my mother was horrible saying that I had no backbone, low moral fibre and I could just snap out of it! Ha! Thanks, Mum. Things were never quite the same with her after that attack.
Many has been the day when I wished I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Never quite suicidal but not minding if I was dead.
Mental health has a bad name - I was bad a couple of years ago, and resigned from several groups I belonged to. I saw a member later and she asked me how I was. I replied that I had had a nervous breakdown. She asked why I hadn’t said anything, I replied that I would have preferred to say I was an alcoholic, a lesbian or from Mars ....
DS2 suffers from depression poor darling. He knows my state of mind and, mercifully, we can talk to each other.
But, if I’m not feeling great, I usually say to my DC that I’m “a bit wobbly at the moment”.

Marydoll you're much admired x

I honestly don't know where I've got my mental and physical strength from over the years with the turbulence that has surrounded me.
Living on a knife-edge on 3 occasions with family members----waiting for that phonecall. Attempted, but a cry for help. Two of the members are fine now.

Latterly my GD who's made 2 attempts this past year since the death of her partner when she had to have the children taken into care.
Thankfully she called on me last Monday, I hadn't seen her for over a year. I didn't obviously broach the subject nor did I ask her how she was, but we talked a lot and she got very upset about not having had much involvement with the children, as though it was a criminal act being depressed !

It had been stipulated by the social services that she can only see the 3 younger children 3 times in a year because it upsets them !!? and the foster carer doesn't want that !! as she can't cope with them being upset. I have my own personal reasons.

If my GD is not getting the encouragement/ support to get her children back and having already made 2 attempts on her life, how is this situation going to end well ? Why can't the authorities see this ? Apart from one or two, the rest of them have been horrible to someone so vulnerable.

Only for Covid I would normally have been to-ing and fro-ing to her solicitor to shake him up. I just feel that in this particular case that Covid has been used to an advantage in every way.

All this time I'm glad that the phone's silent because when it does ring, I brace myself, which isn't the ideal way to live but it's when I'm least prepared that things will hit me so I just feel as though I must always be on the ball for the unexpected. Social services have damaged everyone but I know I have to remain strong at all times.

Who on earth do you or can you talk to who can take on a non-biased view ? Without a jobsworth in sight ?

By the way, I'm genuinely balanced, mentally and don't feel that I can't cope. I have to be around to help.

I told a good friend last week (who I hadn't seen for a year) I was fine.
She knew I wasn't and has been checking me since.
These last 12 months have been awful. Two deaths in 9 months, covid, having to accept there is only so much of mums stuff I can bring home, difficult feelings around step siblings who have binned some of my mums belongings, things that have been stolen! Its all overwhelming.
And now I'm back home, hundreds of miles away where I can play no further active part in what happens next.
But I'm putting my armour on for everyone else. Its what they expect.
Purplepoppies is always the strong one .......

BlueBelle

"Unfortunately most people who want to commit suicide will tell you they are ok even if asked twice or three times".
Maybe because by the time they have these feelings they have learned not to trust anyone to be understanding or helpful.

I'm so sorry some of you are having such awful problems.

grandMattie . I had the same experience when my DH was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He wouldn't tell anyone in case they 'treated him differently' especially as we had a holiday booked with family members. I had to become an actress.
How we got through that holiday I'll never know. Afterwards the people we went with said that we both deserved Oscars.

Having just recently stopped being a Samaritan after over ten years ( it is very demanding and I just felt it was time to stop ) the question we always asked callers and face to face visitors was asking if they were or ever did feel suicidal. It seems as if it would be very difficult to ask but it never was.
I was always very impressed by how much the callers wanted to protect their loved ones from being hurt by their thoughts.

Many times people called just to talk as we were anonymous and non judgemental, also available 24 hours a day, every day. Not all callers were suicidal, phoning to divert from thoughts of self harming, coping with addiction or just lonely.Surprisingly some sex calls too.

Really, really sad were the callers who phoned to ask if you would stay talking with them whilst they ended their life. Those calls always stay with you along with a lot of the others too. It is a very privileged role to have.

So sorry to hear that Anniebach. Heartfelt sympathy. My eyes welled up when I read what you wrote. I cannot imagine such loss.

nanna8

Covid has triggered enormous mental health issues in the community. The psych hospitals and the psych assessment teams have been flat out to breaking point. Constant and unremitting workloads, basically they are not really coping anymore.

My eldest daughter works in NHS Mental Health. She is having to work from home (not something she likes at all), but is working flat out at present - often 12-15 hours each day just trying to keep up with the increased number of referrals to her teams. She has so much Time in Leiu owed, but cannot take it as it would just cause even more problems.

She has worked in this field for the past thirty years and does saying she has never known it so very busy .

Grannyactivist, I hope that your course leaders are looking after the participants. It sounds as if you are finding it rather overwhelming. You really do need lots and lots of supervision and talking through with colleagues what your clients are disclosing to you. Taking time to process and reassure yourself that you are ok is really important, as is training for the situations you might find yourself in.
I found when I was a Samaritan that using another name when on shift helped me, particularly when getting abusive or threatening calls. It made me feel that they were nor directed at me quite so much.

One of my daughters has a severe mental illness and when she is ill she will always say she is ok when she quite clearly is not. It is very frightening for all of us because she is unpredictable at these times, doesn’t know who or what she is and is liable to harm herself. The mental health services patch her up, put her in hospital for a couple of days but that is all. She discharges herself. There is no ongoing support, no case workers,nothing. They admit they can only help people who commit criminal offences or actively try to kill themselves. It makes me feel sick to the stomach.

I saw this post first thing this morning and hesitated to add anything. My brother died 52 years ago suddenly and unexpectedly and to this day I cannot be sure if it was deliberate or 'just experimenting'. It was an open verdict. I usually avoid anything about suicide because I know full well the devastation it leaves for rest of family. It goes through me when I see such cases in the media.

I myself have never felt anything like that, but the constant worry about children when they were growing up and even now in one case does leave you quite stressed sometimes. I try to avoid the very sad threads on GN because they can leave you almost tearful sometimes.

My heart sinks when I read a post like this, our son was close to committing suicide a few years ago, he finally admitted it and said that the only stopping him was the thought of us finding him afterwards. He couldn't put us through that. But he continues to suffer with his mental health issues, and the fear of him becoming desperate again is always there.We ask him if he's ok, at the moment the answer is "no ,I'm c**p, but that's also to do with the fact that his buisiness is on hold at the moment, and he has no income. So he's not ok, and we're not ok, but we smile and say we're fine to anyone who asks. I agree with Kate1949, people ask out of habit, but they don't really want to know.