Feeling very hurt at not being invited to party

Have you got any interests locally. My friends tend to be people I meet at book clubs, choir etc. Also I volunteer with the National Trust and have met two very good friends there, both of whom are divorced and therefore live alone. I recommend volunteering with NT it's a great way to meet people, and there are social events and Christmas parties etc. If you don't like it you are not committed.

That happened to me. My next door neighbour asked to borrow a large dish for her daughter’s christening and explained that ‘it was only for family and good friends’. Having spent the previous two months helping to look after her daughter I was upset and hurt to say the least. I suggested she ask one of her good friends .......

It takes about 20 years to be 'accepted' into a village in our experience.In our last village where we lived for 22 years. had our family and started up our building business, it was only other incomers that employed us or the rich or middle classes.
The old time villagers always employed one of their own,We joined in with most village activities, joined committees and we have happy memories of our time there. When we put our house on the market , on two occasions, two different villagers expressed their sadness that we were leaving and said the place would not be the same without us. That was 22 yeears after moving in. We have lived in our present village for about 26 years. Only now are we beginning to feel accepted, although people have always been very polite and we have been invited to lovely parties by other incomers. Part of this could be that now we are quite private people. Our house is not visible from the road and we have big wooden gates that we (until the lockdown and the need for so many deliveries) keep locked so we feel as if we are in our own little world. So it is not you, if you spend a lot of time away from your village, you might be considered peripheral to village life.

SheilsM
Lots of helpful advice here. I just wanted to add that my husband lives in France and we haven’t seen each other for nearly six months. However, it is possible to travel there now - I’ve booked a ferry crossing for 14th July. Can’t wait!!

Well done you!

We are a couple with a disabled - now adult- son. Even with the wider family its pretty obvious that we are always last to be invited and that if we accept they're always surprised, and more surprosed when we turn up!

Similar thing happened to me group used to all meet up for a meal then I saw pics on Facebook they had gone without me later gave me a feeble excuse i just had to admit to myself I wasn't wanted

Such sad stories of loneliness on here. I wish I could help. Wouldn't it be great if, as a group of gransnetters we could do some think further to support members of our group who feel unsupported or lonely.

I feel for you and it is not a nice thing for them to do. When I was a single mum to my youngest son I was never invited to anything. One of my friends said that because I was single I was looked on as a threat - which I am sure you are not.

I agree with a lot of the posters though - there shouldn’t be parties yet with the pandemic still going on. Once it has gone then bite the bullet and invite them all along to yours. Drinks and some nibbles and I am sure they will arrive. Sending you warm hugs and love and I know how you feel.

yes, Nanny27! heartfelt from here in Swindon.

It's not really surprising that you were not invited, if you are not in the village half the time, most people will probably not know if you are actually there or not!
Personally l would be glad to be excluded in these times, and at least you don't have to return the invite later.

Although we are a couple, we socialise regularly with two widows (pre lockdown) with outings, theatre trips etc, but meals are more difficult to cater alone - what we do is to have a 'rota' of eating at each other's houses, whoever's house we eat at cooks the main course, that being easier to do at home and others take starters and desserts..
For larger groups, wine, or salads, cheese or chocolates could be included.

Parties are illegal they are putting the whole community at risk and setting a bad example. So yes I’d be pissed off by not being invited but I’d be more pissed off that they are having a party. What could you do? You could put a card through everyone’s door saying when it is legal to have parties you would love to invite them to yours.

Last year my neighbours had a small party and invited several other neighbours. The woman actually said to me that I would have been invited if I'd had a partner !!!

Anyone who didn't get an party invitation at the moment probably dodged a bullet. Did you see that family in Texas that held a surprise birthday party and now 18 of them have coronavirus, including 3 oldies?

However, it's hurtful to be left out, even if you are anti-social like me and don't really want to go.

Nanny57 - Briilant idea I think.

Yes i agree it would be hurtful, but as no one is supposed to be having parties yet(if at all) then dont give it another thought- id count myself lucky that im not on their party list as it could well save your life! As others have said, when life is more normal, or far less risky, (or if we ever get a vaccine?) then by all means invite folk yourself, as has been said, as some might not be used to you being around if you hardly ever were before, so it could be an oversight, they aren't used to you being home all the time- or they may think its you who doesn't want to be around them, as you never want to be home? Whichever, id not rush into it but wait till its safer.Then maybe start small with just a couple of people for coffee or drinks.

If you have a party in my neck of the woods the police will turn up and send guests packing! A pandemic is serious and must be respected to get this virus out of circulation. We have the highest death rate in Europe and is it any wonder?

Villages are too 'cliquey'?

It is horrid because everybody else seems to be going. So the person not invited feels it’s not just the host that is excluding them but the whole group. And that everybody will be aware they are not there. And they will be seen by everybody as a persona non grata and a low ranking member of the community. One of the horrors of small communities like villages. It is a bit like being back at school. But as with shyness, the shy person is very self conscious but other people are not that aware of the shy person or thinking about them. It is only the hosts that have excluded you, not the whole village. Maybe you are right and they don’t like you. But are you sure of this? If so, you could always ask a few people other than them to a social event and build up some separate contacts with other people in the village. I am sure not being there a lot of the time does make a difference to being included/excluded. Often these things happen by chance rather than being pointedly directed at someone. I once felt excluded by a group that seemed to be dominated by one woman. We later became friends and I realised she had quite low self esteem and I was probably not invited because I was felt to be too good for her rather than not good enough. Also, unlike some posters here, I was married while the women in the group were all single. Like any group who have experiences in common, it can be comfortable and supportive for single women to socialise together. Married women can be unreliable because of other calls on their time. On the other hand, married woman may feel a need to help their husbands socialise with other men, as men are not always good at this and to provide male company for them at events they are organising. It is not always an attempt to deliberately exclude people though it can feel like this to the people who are not invited. Good luck. You sound a together and generally confident person in normal times. I am sure these feelings will pass.

party.??? didnt think parties were allowed .....better that you didnt go. think yourself lucky .who knows what germs you may have picked up. when its ok to have a gathering .have them for tea and cakes....and smile sweetly. ...if that had been me .i would have stood 2 metres apart as they went past..and waved....

Oh dear- SheilsM- you say you spend a lot of time in normal life in France, so if there have been gatherings before you wouldn't have known or been able to reciprocate. Whilst you maybe friendly to everyone it sounds like your real life choice is in France and people are not being malicious in any way, just living their normal village life which by your own choices doesn't include you. We all know they are not meant to be having parties and as none of us were there we don't know if it was a party or a socially distanced get together (like the VE street parties). I wonder out of curiosity whether you have invited any of the villagers to tea or coffee in the garden now we can have up to 6? if not that may be a good idea.

You say the party was for your neighbour's partner. DH and I have his friends, my friends and our friends. A party organised for DH would mostly consist of his friends and their partners, plus joint friends. Maybe next door considers you her friend more than part of her partner's circle, which would explain your not being invited. Everything feels a little strange at the moment and we have too much time to dwell on upsets- please try not to as it could make you feel so unhappy. Good to post on here and get it off your chest- now head up, move on with your life.

My late H and I part of a group of dinner party friends for fifteen years. My turn always the last Saturday before Christmas. One year, 11 September, I was told my H was dying. Caring for him at home and dealing with the emotional turmoil, I told the friendship group I would not be able to take my turn that year thinking they would understand. Following his death, in early February the following year, I was never invited to a dinner party again. I determined as a result I could do without unkindness in my life. I have never regretted the decision and spend my time happily doing my own thing. In the time since, I moved 300 miles away to be near my family and bought a home by the sea in a very beautiful village. I have a lovely person who keeps me and the house in order and during isolation does my shopping. People in the village offer their help and others invite me to join in social events in normal life. I thank them for their kindness but decline. My late mother’s motto “expect nothing and you will not be disappointed”.

Sparkling silver. How mean of your former friends to behave like that. Granny57, brilliant idea.