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So should I lie!

(112 Posts)
Oldwoman70 Mon 03-Feb-20 10:41:55

When meeting new people the conversation usually gets round to children. When I say I don't have children the first question, invariably, is to ask why (a question I think is rarely rude and invasive). I always reply that I didn't want children which usually results in my being treated as weird or a child hater (neither of which is true, alright I may be a little weird!).

If a child wants to smile, wave or talk to me I will smile wave or talk back (provided a parent is present) but I knew at an early age that I don't have a maternal bone in my body. I like children, just didn't want any of my own.

So the question I am asking is, the next time someone asks why I didn't have children should I lie and say I couldn't? Of course that could then lead on to further questions about the "problem"

JaneNJ Tue 04-Feb-20 13:03:15

I would be vague. “It wasn’t in the cards” and leave it at that. They will assume you were unable to have but the conversation doesn’t have to go any further than that even though you meant something else.

netflixfan Tue 04-Feb-20 13:07:54

Until you know them better, when you can confide of you wish to do so, I would say "it just never happened". And yes it is a very rude and insensitive question ❤️

Shalene777 Tue 04-Feb-20 13:13:34

Don't say that you can't have them, you will get the poor you looks and how unsatisfied your life must be without them. I've also had how lucky are you that your husband has stayed with you even though you can't have children! Why assume it is me and not him that can't make the baby?

Just tell the truth, it is better to not have children, knowing that you didn't than to have had them and wish you hadn't.

I have loved being the cool Aunt but always thought that I am too selfish to have children of my own.

anxiousgran Tue 04-Feb-20 13:36:34

I wouldn’t lie, I ‘d just say I didn’t want any. I’d put the ball back in their court and ask why they wanted to ask about such a personal choice.
My elder DS is unmarried. People ask me why, as though he’s weird, which he isn’t.
I feel like you do about that oldwoman70, I just wish they’d shut up.

Leavesden Tue 04-Feb-20 13:38:21

People shouldn’t ask you it’s rude just say it’s a private matter.

May7 Tue 04-Feb-20 14:36:09

Yes I too liked H1954s reply “Why do you need to know”
You don’t need to lie it’s your choice your business. I have 2 amazing kids now grown up and 2 sisters and many friends who have no children and I can honestly say there were times when I envied them especially when mine were teenagers (LOL) youngest GC tells me that means Laugh out loud NOT Love you lots as I thought

pengwen Tue 04-Feb-20 14:37:45

DD has said for a long time that she didn't want to have children.
People,friends and family,have told her and me that she will change her mind.Part of me hopes a little that she may,and we get the comments about when are you having children/grandchildren.
In the end she will choose herself .
I want her to be happy and live her life as she wishes.
She likes her friends children by the way.

Conni7 Tue 04-Feb-20 14:45:16

I think it's important never to ask questions like that. No-one knows the heartache which might be behind the answer. If someone wants to talk about it they will, without intrusive questions. My daughter doesn't have children and I'm amazed how many people feel they have a right to know why. She just says: "My dogs are my children".

Lorelei Tue 04-Feb-20 15:00:51

Oldwoman70, I don't think you should lie but I don't think you should have to explain yourself or your life choices to people asking questions purely out of nosiness! There are far too many people that have had kids that either didn't really want them, didn't or couldn't look after them for some reason, that made choices not in their own or their children's best interests etc. Your business is exactly that, and none of anybody else's - once you have answered that you don't have children because you didn't want to have any children nobody should pry further - if you wanted to initiate a discussion or debate on the subject that should be your choice and not because you feel obliged to satisfy curious invasive busybodies or gossips.

Menopauselbitch Tue 04-Feb-20 15:08:35

I would answer
“God no, I’m much to selfish for that” you could also say that you didn’t feel you should bring a child into the world you couldn’t afford, that usually shuts them up.

4allweknow Tue 04-Feb-20 15:12:19

My daughter decided not to have children and was constantly given the 3rd degree as to why not. He response was she was helping to save the world as there were far too many people in the world already using up limited resources. Dependant upon the reaction, she would ask the person why they choose to have children! Usually shut them up apparently and she could almost see the wheels churning in their head questioning why indeed did they have children.

Naty Tue 04-Feb-20 15:44:39

"I forgot to have them"

Naty Tue 04-Feb-20 15:45:53

"I just never felt the push and I've never regretted my decision."

Seefah Tue 04-Feb-20 15:52:57

My uncle has an elegant way to skip unwanted questions - he just says pass. Or ‘ pass next question‘

EthelJ Tue 04-Feb-20 16:05:54

What an odd question and very rude. It's really no one's business why you decided not to have children. I would just say you just decided having children wasn't for you and shut the conveesation down.

AGAA4 Tue 04-Feb-20 16:20:09

This is a very personal question. You don't have to explain! When someone asks why you don't have children say "I just don't!" and leave it at that. You don't have to be polite to people who ask rude questions.

willa45 Tue 04-Feb-20 17:45:37

One more strategy....
Smile innocently and give them a deliberately nonsensical reply..."Well, as you well know, some people have children and some people don't....we happen to be among the latter!"

It will take them at least two seconds to digest that you didn't actually give an answer, plus another few seconds to decide what to do about it...but before they come in for the next round, you'll get a chance to change the subject and bombard them with some annoying questions of your own grin

Granless Tue 04-Feb-20 19:11:41

‘Why do you need to know’ would be my answer. wink

Happygirl79 Tue 04-Feb-20 20:23:14

I would say that I had other things planned for my life and leave it at that

MiniDriver56 Tue 04-Feb-20 20:31:55

I like the term I’m child free through choice!!

Sparkling Tue 04-Feb-20 20:33:15

So insensitive to ask that question, I would answer either, I don't discuss that, it's private or say no comment and wait for the awkward moment to pass.

ForeverAutumn Wed 05-Feb-20 10:51:55

It is rude to ask you such a question. I wouldn't lie, I would just say "I'm sorry, I don't like to talk about it" and let them make of that what they will. It is absolutely no business of anyone else but yourself

cas58 Wed 05-Feb-20 17:25:47

Hmm, I don't like it when someone says to me to get a cat so I won't be lonely. I'm not lonely. I don't want a cat, the cost, the responsibility. When I had to put my cat down due to her illness I emphatically said DO NOT GET ME A KITTEN to replace Meggy. I'm glad they listened.
Why did I only have one child? I just tell the truth, I had a boy, I wanted a boy and did not want to take the chance of having a girl. Shocks the s**t outta people. It's fun.
But really don't lie, I also say I don't do children, that's a good shocker too. I don't know, have some fun with it, freak em out.

Bridgeit Wed 05-Feb-20 18:52:42

A good strong, EXCUSE ME ? is another good way of stopping invasive/ impertinent questions .

Baggs Wed 05-Feb-20 19:07:21

Good idea, bridgeit. Or perhaps "I beg your pardon?"