Stepchildren, family events & ex-wives

You would really benefit from some good quality counselling sessions, to dump the guilt of using your parents money this way - but surely it seemed like the best idea at the time?
Don't go to the wedding if you don't want to, you are a woman in your own right who can make decisions in YOUR best interest. I have a saying, revenge is a dish best served cold. Before you die, take equity release on the property go on cruises, holidays, buy nice cars, so that when you die, the whole ungrateful lot get nothing!

Bluegrass....
yes!

Eglantine21 - What she said, great advice! Being asked why the hell you gave her money in the first place isn't massively helpful! The fact is you did and nothing you can do will change that, so try to let it go. Try some CBT. Practice techniques every day so that healthy thinking comes naturally and it may help to eradicate any feelings of anger and guilt. I bet your parents would be proud of you for being a kind and thoughtful person.

Too late having this discussion now. You should have given her nothing. Obviously a very sad person who does not have a life.

@tickingbird Thanks for asking. Both children had left school, one was at university, the other had already left. My husband was made redundant and applied to cease payments to her. We had to submit all financial documents.

paddyanne What a particularly unpleasant piece of work you do sound. Maybe there’s something in your past that’s made you react so nastily to the OP’s post?
Emilymaria Please don’t take such bitterness on board.

It is hard but for the sake of your sanity try and let it go. Give the children a copy of her letter and a copy of solicitors. You should never have given her any and your husband should never have agreed to it. She will end up a bitter old lady that no one wants to know. If your husband is paying for the wedding go along and make sure everyone knows as it is also your money, enjoy yourself and make sure she sees you doing it. My SiL has an ex who likes to make life untolerable for them, he had left her before he meet my daughter. My daughter has now turned, heaven help the ex.

I am moved by your regrets but can only say that money is only money. You have used it for a reason, and after all, you have the love and companionship of your husband. It is a universal law that only when you allow yourself to forgive this ex can you move on and be free of her toxic presence in your lives. Forgiveness is a very powerful way of releasibg yourselffrom the wounds of thepast. It is a hard, spiritual work, and you do not need to tell her. But by doing so, you will be free of revrwt and re rimination, and able to live lifeto the full with thelove of your life. You are veryblessed to have him. Enjoy.

they saw the children ONCE a fortnight thats not co parenting in my book .If it was your daughter whose ex thought it was fine to see HIS children 2 days out of 14 would you be happy about it ...honestly double standards on here are astounding .I can just imagine the vitriol about SIL's who left daughters to raise children alone and who thought chucking things at them made up for it .

Seeing you CatWoman!

@paddyanne I do not understand your position. Emilymaria did not create these children, she is not the mother nor the father. The inheritance was from her mother. I am a single parent and do not expect to be "compensated" beyond the child maintenance I recieve which is for my child. Especially not from my child's step mother. Nor would I ever use my child as a meal ticket. Is the joy of raising the children not compensation in itself? Why do you see children as a transaction or something to be paid for? Do mothers with less than helpful partners need compensation for pulling most of the weight? Had it been the husband's inheritance your position may make sense, but we also don't know the circumstances under which they spilt, or if this woman has gotten remarried to a supportive and helpful husband and thus has not had to singlehandedly raise the children.
No one is entitled to any money that was not given to them regardless of the circumstances, especially the inheritance belonging to their exes new wife from their deceased mother.

What a great bunch you are - thank you! To paddyanne - the children were definitely not 'put on a shelf', my husband absolutely adored them and still does. Some fathers lose touch altogether. At the time, he had to live where he did in order to earn enough to pay the maintenance demanded. The ex had threatened to keep him in court for the rest of his life if she didn't get the (my) money - and had wealthy family backing her. This was a spite mission. We did have a good solicitor but, after 14 grisly years (some of the other stunts the ex pulled were beyond venomous) and many solicitors' bills, my mental health was suffering. I caved in. You may see now why I wouldn't even want to sit at a top table with the embodied antithesis of all I believe is good about women. My husband would prefer to sit with me, but his place is up there with the child he loves. Shame "The Life and Loves of a She Devil" has already been written, isn't it? But yes, I will glam up, I will be charm itself - and I will stay away from anything that might loosen my tongue (then get absolutely plastered at home). Bless you all.

Catwoman, yes I see your post.

@Newatthis she met the husband 2 years after he split with his first wife so I don't think she was the reason

Paddyann, what a horrible post. You sound like a very bitter vindictive person. The OP has been a loving supportive step mum who has been over generous to a money grabbing ex wife to whom she owed nothing. She sounds a kind person who asked for our advice and support not someone sounding very like the exwife.

This sounds terribly familiar to me, travelling up and down motorways, constant requests for money and a wedding coming up, I feel your pain, What I would say is, if the money paid out has got this woman out of your lives then it was money well spent. X

compensated for being almost a single parent to THEIR children.

'Compensated' for sitting on her derriere and refusing to work? She's been well compensated by her ex-husband, his second wife owes her nothing.

The cheek of her to ask. I understand feeling unable to say no when asked such a thing. I'm very angry for you. Sadly your only choice is to accept that it has happened and move forward as you can't get it back. Go to the wedding, I feel it may do you no favours to not attend. Best wishes, Emily.

Thank you mermaid66. Vgilbert, I believe your last paragraph holds excellent advice for Emilymaria...

Did her marriage break up because of you, if so she will never forgive you -"hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. You must stop it as she never will.

I have experienced something similar, not handing over any inheritance, but directly supporting her as she didn't work. I decided after 30 years to write to offer an olive branch as our families are so intertwined. A letter I felt was something that could be assimilated and thought over at leisure. It has had a very positive result - a letter in return and a subsequent brief meeting where we have both agreed to move forward positively. It's not healthy to dwell on the past and what has/hasn't happened and what our roles might have been. Life as they say is too short. As someone once said to me - every minute that you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.

You seem like a genuinely nice person. There's no need to glam up. There's no chance of you behaving badly at the wedding but the truth needs to be known.

Go to the wedding. Wear your oldest clothes, and the most worn shoes. The wedding present you give should be no more than £20. In conversation, make sure you say that you're watching the pennies, and the reasons why - you've given your inheritance money to that woman.

Seriously, what's the worst that can happen now? After all the lies told about you, it's time you tell truths to that side of the family. If your stance is not to rock the boat, they continue to lie and turn people against you.

It was stupid to pay her - move on!!!

I don't think my posts are seen. Please can someone reply if they see this. Thank you.

We all make decisions that seemed to be right at the time. The old 'seemed like a good idea at the time' line. Sometimes we regret those decisions, often bitterly and painfully but we need to accept and own that we are responsible for our own behaviour. You were not forced into making the decisions that you did although you may well have felt under some pressure or obligation.

As your family have said you need to find a way to let it go and move on with your life. It was only money, not a life. You can give yourself credit for being generous and that is not a bad way to be. Other parties don't come out of the episode looking nearly so sweet.

A good counsellor may be able help you with this issue. You only get one life, cherish what you have.