Step Daughter issues

Itsnotme is spot on.
I have step daughters who are 18 and 20 now.
But 5 years ago they were exactly the same as your SD.
Eventually they became shower/bath hoggers.

Could she be on the autistic spectrum? We have experience of this in the wider family, and they can have problems about showering/washing when not at home. Either that, or completely obsessive about hygiene! I agree with others who say you should let it go. Leave it to her mum, even if you think her mum might not be doing a great job. There is nothing to be gained and everything to be lost. Please don't book a spa day! I am very keen on personal hygiene, but a spa day would be my idea of HELL!

I agree with Tedber.
She is only with you for the weekend. I wouldn't shower at someone else's house if I was only there for the weekend. A good wash is good enough. She probably had a bath or shower before she went. I don't really understand your obsession with her hygiene. Unless you clearly smells or is visibly dirty, leave her alone. Why is it your business?
Are you really happy with her being there? I feel sorry for her. She has a relatively new relationship with her father and she has to put up with this when she visits.

how about you take her shopping for you? say you and her dad would really like some help, maybe trying to get more enviroment friendly? Ask her to help choose, not just toiletries, but other non plastic stuff. with the current climate young people often like to share stuff like that, shower bars instead of gel in bottles, bamboo toothbrushes etc. and whilst there ask her what she likes, if she wants anything. even if you don't use. Try a shop that sells refils in food into our own containers, as well as being trending this would be showering etc specific.

You haven’t said IF the daughter is smelling though camelia3. If she isn’t and the problem is you feel she needs to shower when she is with you then YABU and as you say... leave it. Enjoy your time with your step daughter.

Aah I had a German exchange partner, I'd forgotten about her, she was 14. She never used deodorant, had the hairiest armpits, and dabbed 4711 cologne on the outside of her shirt underarm area. I was 17 and fairly relaxed about it but I remember my Mum was horrified!

We had a 12 year old french girl staying with us for a weeks exchange visit. She never went near the bathroom, nor her best friend who was staying with a neighbour.
Like many have said, don’t push it with her. I’m sure as she grows up she will realise.

Wow thank you everyone. I really appreciate all your comments and suggestions. Obviously our relationship comes first and I think we will have to bite the bullet for a couple of more years and not make any more moves on the issue. Just two things, step daughter is very open about her monthlies even in front of dad !!! And yes, we have a lock on our shower room door. ?

Many of our generation got through life with a bath just once a week. I would just leave it, she will soon change when she is older or gets a boyfriend then ou won't be able to get into the bathroom.

Just a point my son was awful, so bad we banned him from the sitting room when his feet smelt so bad. It all changed when he started meeting girls.

Give her 2 options, i.e ask her bluntly "Would you prefer a bath or a shower?"

PUT her off !!

I'd drop the subject and leave her to it.

She may be resisting just to be teenage awkward! Pushing the subject is possibly making it worse and I'm surprised you haven't out her off visiting altogether.

Or maybe she hasn't so far found a reason to upgrade her hygiene habits - no boys or girls to impress yet.

Having grown up in a house that had no bathroom until I was 11 (tin bath in front of the fire), I'm inclined to have a good wash and not shower every day.

My only question would be is there a lock on your bathroom door so this young lady feels secure? Other than that I'd just make her welcome and not mention it again.
It's surprising how different people's attitudes to personal hygiene are.
Many years ago I went to stay with my (now) husband's family and he asked his mum if there was a clean towel for me as I wanted a shower.
"What's wrong with the one that's in the bathroom?" she replied, "It's good enough for the rest of us, does she need one of her own?" I always took one with me after that, and still do, as does my husband!
A friend never let her children have a shower after 7:30am as that's when the cheap Economy 7 electric meter switched to the more expensive daytime rate.

She's only there for the weekend - why worry?

It's all been said but I never shower at my DD's because I hate her shower/hot water system. I tried once and froze in ice cold water.. I have a stand up wash.
Also they have no locks on the doors.
At 16 I would have been mortified had an adult suggested I take a bath or a shower.
Personal comments are not on.

I have suggested to our volunteer helper (aged 23) that he uses less perfume/aftershave because it goes up my nose in a horrid way. Now I only smell it when he's about to leave the house for a date. Each to their own but I dislike perfume.

How on earth do you know when she's having her period?

At my advanced age I would be horrified if pretty much anyone other than my husband made comments or dropped hints about my personal hygiene, and at 16 I would have been mortified.

Give the girl some space, and yes, stop with the hints. There could be all manner of reasons why this is happening, and none of them are your business.

Whatever you do, stop with the "hints".

I think as shes only at her dad's once a month, I would let it slide.

In my experience teens either go OTT with grooming and get neurotic about germs and hygiene, or else they are completely disgusting.
It tends to balance out once theyre a few years older.

Perhaps she feels awkward using someone else’s shower?

I’d leave it alone for now. Anything else could ruin the relationship

Could you perhaps arrange a spa session for just you two? I might be barking up the wrong tree but thought it might promote some pride in her appearance, encourage personal hygiene and educate her at the same time. Could also serve as a bonding session between you two?
Hope you get things sorted out though.

There’s no need to shower every day. Some people’s skin doesn’t react well.
He barely sees her so he has no clue about her hygiene. Does she smell? Does she look unkept?

She’s only with you a couple of days. Maybe she showers before she leaves home, and bathes when she gets back. Leave her to it now, you have made your point.

She only spends there 2 days a month. She is 16, almost an adult. Your relationship with her mother is rocky and your relationship with the dd is only taking place for 3 years. Is that right?

Pick your battles. Teaching her a new standard of hygiene is not one of those battles.
It is not ideal what she is doing right now, bo or not. You cannot force her to take a shower, brush her teeth or anything if she doesn't want to.

I would be mortified if I visited my sd and sm and they presented me with hygyene products. Ashamed and mortified.
Don't mention it again. Not a hint. Not a suggestion how nice a shower is. By giving it so much importance, she may just dig her heels and not take a shower just to prove you wrong.

She is 16! You cannot make her do anything she doesn't want to do. She is not 5.

Let her visit every month and do things you allenjoy.

It is more important to build a trusting long lasting relationship with her than being seen as the stepmother and stepfather she has to visit and push their standards (whether they are reasonable or not)

What is your goal for the future? Want to continue seeing her after she goes to college/becomes of legal age?
Guide your actions by the future you envision for all of you

She must think that you're very interfering and bossy. You've provided what she needs if she wants to shower. Leave it at that - unless she really stinks. At 16, she'll resent being told what to do. She probably washes before she comes and when she gets home.

I agree with tanith and everyone else. You have done all you can now it's up to your stepdaughter. I wouldn't make an issue of this unless there is a real problem.