Christmas card sadness

This post has made me think. I never cross out. It feels so brutal somehow. I have an ancient address book held together with an elastic band. If someone has died I write 'died'. I can't bring myself to start a new book as it will not have many addresses!! My Christmas list is copied out every year with a new date and those missing, I don't write on it. However I keep all previous lists in a folder that I never look at!! How crazy is that?

Like vinasol I donate to charity instead of most cards though still send a few, usually to elderly relatives, adding a short message. My Christmas list is now divided into 'cards', 'Messages' on messenger (short update added) and emails usually with a long attached letter. The basic letter has the annual family news update with photos but each one is personalised with comments related to that person's family or responses to what they have written to me. It takes hours but these are very special people to me that I never see. I have kept all their letters from the past (in a folder of course!) and saved their (and my) emails and messages on the computer in latter years. I also keep the last card sent by elderly relatives and friends till the next year and then change them each year so I don't have a massive pile but this way I at least have my parents' last written words to me.

Now thinking about 'Will I still be here?' I already have a list of insurances, ISA's, bank and card numbers and passwords for my children, in the event of my death but I think I'd better add my Christmas list with names and contact numbers too!

Writing all this down I'm beginning to wonder about myself!! Any psychologists out there ?!! I still have numbers on my phone because deleting seems so cruel but to be fair I only have very important people on those lists anyway so it's not many.

I don't send cards any more. I use the money to donate to charity. I think it all started when my thirty year old marriage broke down and I just didn't have the heart to write cards weeks later. I make it known to friends and family that I don't be sending cards and donating to charity as usual. It seems to go down well.

It is so hard isn't it? This is MY first Christmas without my mum and when I finally got the enthusiasm to bring the decs down from loft, out fell her last years card to me! I have put it up and everytime I look at it, I cry.

But I thought my mum was sad because she kept a book for years of who she had sent to and who she had received from. As she got word the person had died, she crossed them off till eventually there were very few left! I thought I could never do that...too upsetting.

You too TillyWhiz pop these ? in some water to remind you that people do care. x

Oh library lady, susieB50, oodles and Whiteanenome
these are for you all.
????

This is the first Christmas without my DH and my name looked so lonely when I signed my cards. I inserted a note with one or two as I felt they may not know. Then one who had been in touch and came to visit me wrote to say he had since lost his DS. I felt so sad and will write again after the festivities are over. I was really touched by the Christmas cards I received, care seems to have gone into the choice of card.

Three crossed off my list this year and one of them my dear mother. Very sad.

I need a new address book as there are so many deletions in mine. Time to start again now. I don't write so many cards these days so it's not such an ordeal now.

I am sorry to hear your news SusieB.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas library lady. You will have the strength when you need it.x

I agree, it's so sad when I look through my address book and friends that have died I've written RIP across their names. However, isn't it lovely to reconnect with your dear friends who are still with us? Onwards and upwards for as long as possible eh?

Thank you for your kind and helpful messages . I joined Carers UK when I was caring for my elderly parents and they were indeed very helpful .My thoughts are with everyone who are sad this Christmas .

Yes, the same here. I have crossed 5 names off my list this year and also have a couple of friends whose partners are ill. It is sad and shows me that we are all growing old!

SusieB50. Special good wishes to you. We were in a similar position back in May

Susie, I would urge you to join the Carers UK forum. Lots of support and practical advice available there. I would also suggest that you have counselling to help you with your emotions. I found it really helpful when mum was dying.

I agree with bellanona as to the residence of poster emilie. In fact, I hope that use is the case. If not, she is either very young and has some heart breaking experiences to come or she is, somewhere, missing some element of true humanity.

Oddly, as I came to that post I was just thinking how this post unites us. There are some posters on here who quite often have me foaming at the mouth but of course some things are not a matter of opinion, they just are. On a very basic level I agree with emilie, life is short and none of us get out alive - as Urmstongran pointed out, we should not be assuming we will be here in a year's time. But to say that people should not grieve is really strange, that is a part of the human condition and it should never be ignored or belittled by anyone for any reason. It is a sign that someone you loved and who loved you has left you and left a gap in your life that never really goes away.

I am really sorry to ramble on again and I hope I made sense. As I intimated in an earlier thread, I am facing the fact that this is probably my husband's last Christmas and I have no idea how I am going to cope when his time comes.

Each year there are more off the list. I usually remember years back when I'd send to great aunts and uncles, grandparents, and others now long gone. I used to send a parcel to a relative in Canada, so would always need to know last posting dates for that
When I was left on my own I made sure that I sent out cards so that they arrived before anyone had time to send out ones to both of us, as it would have been so upsetting. Not dead. but abandoned by my husband of going on for 40 years. I asked him to let friends know who were mostly his, but whom I'd known who sent cards. Well he didn't so I did get some, so I wrote and told them.
Several years ago I transcribed my list so I could print out labels, as the years have gone on, I keep it up to date. Last year I actually noted it with who I actually got cards from, and whose were at the last minute, so might have been sent because they got one from me. I took those off the list and do not really know if they are still alive or still at the last address, I know some are. If they are they have my contact details
I do miss all my old friends and relatives

I am so sorry to hear your sad news
Susie B50
I have only posted a dozen or so cards to England this Christmas. Some have died and others I havent heard from so have no idea if they have just stopped contact. My lovely Mum died in early November 5 years ago and I sent her friends an early Christmas card giving them the sad news. Many times you just don't hear from someone again and wonder if something has happened. I expect I shall only receive about 10 but then the cost of sending even quite small cards from the UK is horrendous. The stamps on the cards I have received have been either £1.45 or £1.70. 12 years ago it only cost about 10pence more to send to Europe.

I am reading this thread with tears running down my face. I lost my beloved partner to lung cancer on 1st November.
Writing Christmas cards and breaking the news to those who are at distance and don’t know has been difficult to say the least. I send my love to everyone in a similar situation.

Ignore Emilie she's obviously just trying to stir things up

I am very sorry to hear that Susie.

SusieB50 -

Emilie I think that's terribly unkind and very hurtful to those if us who have lost loved ones and will be missing them this Christmas, particularly when it comes to the giving & receiving of cards. I can only youve not been in this positionyourself or you wouldnt be so unfeeling. My mum died this summer after a short illness and I'm finding every aspect of Christmas very hard to deal with without her- I never thought I would as we weren't particularly close but it's all the little things that remind me, especially at this time.

We have just had some very sad news , DH has been diagnosed with terminal cancer . We have told close family obviously, but have decided to delay sending our Christmas cards till Christmas Eve so that people will receive them with the news after Christmas . A very bad year for us , several close friends have died and others very poorly like my dear DH

When I married DH 28 years ago, I started a Christmas book and each year I write out a list of people we exchange cards with. When the cards come down the list is amended / new addresses noted etc. I also write a list of presents we have given. Like all other posters, I feel sad at having to cross out some names especially our dear parents. But, on the other hand there are names of new grandchildren, nieces and nephews and friends who have been added to the list.
Last Christmas my DGD who was 14 found the book and her and DGS had a wonderful time looking back at and remembering the presents they'd had from us in the past and finding the years when their names first appeared in the book.