Dealing with sexism - If you could go back......

grande why do you think you were able to be so capable? Where you brought up in the UK? By a mother who gave you great confidence? It would be interesting to know your thoughts

Sara that’s a good question. It’s easy to say report isn’t it to stop it happening to anyone else but depending on the circumstances and what she would almost certainly be put through. And it’s worse now with social media sometimes ‘outing’ the victim.

Sara65, I think mental stability would need to be taken into consideration prior to reporting certain sexual crimes- I say this because of the suicidal tendencies associated with sexual abuse cases- Many choose counseling over seeking conviction for that very reason- I wouldn't fault anyone for choosing that approach-

SirChenjin

I agree with you.

Sara - I honestly don't know, and it's something I have thought about. My DD is 20 and at university in another city. If she got drunk, invited a boy back to her flat and then changed her mind (as is her absolute right) I don't know that I would encourage her to report it, given that there's a very low chance of a prosecution and an even lower chance of a conviction - and she'd be torn to shreds in court. I'd support her every step of the way though, whatever she decided.

I certainly have no regrets. I was always perfectly capable of telling anyone who made patronising, sexist or racist remarks where to get off!

I’m interested to know if, heaven forbid, one of your daughters or granddaughters was raped, you would advise her to report it.

Knowing what we know about the justice system and rape cases, could you bear her to go through it?

Like op's, I was a 'victim' of incidents a number of times in my childhood and early teens from strangers, a neighbour and a couple of male relatives. I only told my parents once, when a young local lad exposed himself. What I find strange, looking back, is the lack of concern and awareness my parents showed of potential danger to me. I let myself in after school from about the age of nine, and always found a shopping list and money, so, even in the dark, off I would go to the shops, passing no houses, but businesses with a lot of workmen around. In the summer, I would be off roaming around the countryside, alone, on my bike. I had to let the insurance man and the 'tick' man in weekly, and I do remember being uncomfortable in the presence of one of them. I would often have to go to one of the local shops on a dark evening for their cigarettes, along same dark, uninhabited at night, streets. What amazes me most of all, looking back, is that my mother wouldn't walk along that road in the dark. If she had to go out, my father would accompany her to the bus stop, then be waiting for her on her return. We had no phone, so he only had a rough idea when she would be back, but he was always there waiting. How could they let me do it from the age of ten?

Rose - please point to where I have dismissed the lived experience of any woman on here.

SaraC, Galaxy - thank you both. The logical, scientific side of me knows that's what happened - maybe one day I'll stop kicking myself for not reacting differently. But it just goes to show that you never know how you will react in any given situation until it happens. Victim-blaming and victim-shaming are wrong - full stop.

I was 17 and travelled daily to London, the train was always packed and everyone was usually squashed together. One chap in particular made a point of standing behind me every day, the next thing I felt was his hand passing over my rear end.It happened too many times for it to be a coincidence. I turned around to try and make eye contact with him, but he used to stare fixidly in the distance. Eventually got wise, one day he was up to his "usual tricks" and I stepped back on his foot with my stiletto heels (very fashionable then!) must have damaged his foot somewhat, but he never approached me again. How brave I was at 17!
Would never have occurred to me to complain about him.

This post has brought back so many uncomfortable and unpleasant memories. In my teens and twenties I was slim and pretty (not boasting here) and seemed to be a magnet for obnoxious men. At 18 I was raped on a date. The police didn't want to know and because I was on the pill, for medical reasons, thought I had asked for it. Until today I've never told anyone, not my parents, friends nor my husband. It has coloured my relationships with men and turned me into someone who sees everything through a feminist perspective. I won't let any sexist comment go unremarked. I've brought my daughter up to be tough and my sons to be gentle. But after all these years I still feel I should come out of the closet on this one some day. But I don't know how to do it now after literally 50 years of silence.

SirChenjin, dismissing womens personal experiences, dismissing the knowledge and insight they acquired by way of unfortunate situations and dismissing their wise application of said knowledge, is not advocacy- It's ignorance-

Promoting the true fact that women are not to blame for rape, and other damaging sexual acts that befell them, pierces the protective bubbles that were kept around predators- It exposes them- But it doesn't alter their inclinations-

Every story shared here reveals crucial details not to be overlooked, dismissed or glossed over with a single, seemingly magical mantra- Women have to be informative and proactive- And to do that they need ALL the facts, not just run on a platform of 1 fact and be done-

I grew up in the 70s and had a wonderful time.

Any unwanted attention was swiftly rebuffed.

Cross post with Sara!

Blondie, yours is a well known response to fear, completely out of your control, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Blondiescot - the ‘threat’ system in the brain is hardwired to respond in one of four ways - flight; fight; freeze or appease. Don’t beat yourself up for reacting as you did - it wasn’t a matter of voluntary control or choice in that situation.

It's very easy to say, oh if this or that happened, I would do this - I would make a scene, I would slap the man or whatever, but the truth is, you don't know how you will react until it actually happens. I'm no shrinking violet, I've worked in a largely male-dominated profession my whole life and I can hold my own in most situations. However, just a couple of years ago I was travelling home on a crowded bus when a man sat next to me - he then started touching my knee and running his hand up and down my leg. Now, if you'd asked me before what I'd do in such a situation, I'd have said I'd shout, slap or make a scene - but I froze. Completely. I couldn't do a thing - and to this day, I am so angry and ashamed - yes, ashamed - that I did so. I'm angry at myself for feeling that way, so don't be too quick to judge...

I went to night school and was the eldest in class the teacher came too close when showing me how its done.The rest of the class noticed and thought it was funny I stopped going

Well done BiL! Sunseeker. I would hope that most men are not like these sleazebags.

Unfortunately the encounters I had as a child/teenager so terrified me that I was afraid to be alone with any male over the age of about 16 for years.

My own DS and DGS are lovely, gentle people who are so far from these vile descriptions as you could get.

Love the link, Sara65. It gives a humorous but clear and unequivocal message. It should be used in all secondary schools.

Reading through this thread, so many similar stories, going back so many years, but all sadly remembered so vividly.
We were too trusting, naive, innocent, but as stated often, such different times.

We had a rep come into work a few years ago, he told a totally insulting sexist joke.
I showed him the door, and told him never to come back, and it was good that I had the support of all the male staff.

My twenty something self would probably have laughed uncomfortably , but certainly not spoken up.

I was young, innocent and timid - a great combination, hey? Add to that small, quiet, female - perfect prey for bullying, etc.
My first boss often isolated me to ask about my underwear - what to do? Mum said make sure you're not alone with him but as the boss he'd send others on an errand. I left after six weeks. At the JobCentre they'd noticed the same vacancy came up frequently and could I say why. We did so but Mum 'didn't want to fuss' so declined a formal complaint. Not making a fuss was a big thing.
Later in an office job I did say something - said that a remark/attitude was 'sexist' around the early 70s.
"Oh ha ha, I'm a bloke, don't you mean se^xy^? Ha, ha!" I wished I hadn't bothered as I was made to look an idiot for actually speaking up.
If my 64 year old self knew then what I know now I'd have really stuck the boot in. It puts you off men, doesn't it? We know that they're not all the same but ... a few of them let the side down very badly.
And no, we didn't led them on - all we needed was to be young, naive and have a pulse.

Pinkquartz

Same here, all kinds of little incidents, what’s so sad is that we all seemed to think no one would believe us, and we were almost certainly right.