What to do about Christmas?

Gilly I am so sorry to hear all this. Life wasn’t exactly a bed of roses before ...
Could DD host in your home as hers is so small - my DD’s is the same so I can understand that. Maybe she and Evie could stay over for a few days?
I wish you all the very best.

My daughter is absolutely devastated Candelle . Although not her biological father this wonderful man is the only father she can remember and they dote on each other. None of us ever dreamed she would ever have a child of her own and our little Evie was the best surprise ever.

Christmas/Schistmas. Unless a committed Christan, Christmas is really only a commercial opportunity, enjoyable 'though it can be.

I would cancel Christmas this year unless your daughter feels able to take over. Your daughter is probably as upset as are you so if possible, postpone Christmas until happier times.

Well I have only just returned home after another exhausting day and have read every reply. Thank you all so much for your wisdom (as ever).

Of course little Evie won’t mind a low key Christmas why should she ? She’s only 18 months old but DH and I were so looking forward to this Christmas with her and our DD .

Our older DGC are 13,11 and 9 and will expect Christmas Day as usual but they have arranged to have dinner with my DDiL’s parents who will be spending it at home this year. (Lucky ducks are normally somewhere very exotic).

I may be looking on the pessimistic side and I know there are still a few weeks to go, but I can’t imagine that my DH will be home by Christmas (probably won’t even know it is Christmas) and I honestly don’t know how I will manage to go through the motions, but I suppose I will have to try.

I would hate the idea of my dad and my sister sitting alone having dinner (my sisters long term boyfriend will be away this year) and I really can’t bear the idea of my lovely daughter and my precious little Evie sitting alone either, so I suppose I will have to try and cobble something together no matter what. My DD’s house is like a little shoe box so there’s no way she could host.

I think I will talk this over with DD tomorrow and maybe we could arrange an earlier than usual lunch and then I will leave them to it and go to the hospital ??

I don’t know why writing this is making me feel so sad and tearful but it is .

Thank you all again xx

Don't even think about organising Christmas this year; order gift vouchers for your grandchildren, and that is all you should do. Give your son, daughter in law and daughter plenty of notice that you are unable to do Christmas this year, and ask which one will host it. If they don't then you spend Christmas day with your husband, and use the rest of the time to rest, rest and rest, preferably at one of their houses while they look after you in return for all you have done for them.
And a lot can happen in six weeks, but you need to be there for your husband, not your adult children.

I think the thing about Christmas is; that when life is good then Christmas is magical but when life is hard and we have worries in our lives it seems to compound the sadness and add to the stress we are going through.
Some years we can buy into the magic but sometimes it is impossible to do so, for whatever reason. The thing to remember is that it really is only one day - over-hyped, expensive and exhausting. No one should be made in feel they have somehow failed the spirit of Christmas if they are unable to participate fully.
Gillybob this year, let others take the strain.

Oh Gilly I feel your pain but as others have said you can catch up later when your DH is home and recovering. I feel Christmas this year will be an uphill struggle. We were to go away to my DD’s but with my treatments that is not possible this year. At the weekend I sat with my daughter and we ordered the food online making everything as easy as possible. She and SiL will come here. Presents will be low key.
The important thing is just to do what you can.

Gilly,
Christmas puts unrealistic demands on all of us and that can be overwhelming when we are dealing with illness or other adversities.

Years ago, when my own mother was incapacitated and confined to a nursing home, we (DH, adult children and GC) decided to take Christmas to her.

We had one gift (framed photo of all of us) which we gave to her at bedside.
After dinner and our own store bought desserts (main course courtesy of the staff), we got her out of bed and wheeled her out to the Living Room area where she could enjoy the enormous Christmas tree they had on display and where some of the aides and nurses were playing the piano and singing Christmas carols.

We spent a good part of the evening singing along, conversing with my mum and others, and the grandchildren dancing and having a wonderful time. The smile on her face was priceless! We ended the visit in order to attend the Christmas Eve Church service.

One simple gift and no gatherings or home made dinners, but 'Great Grandma's Christmas' was indeed one of our most happiest and memorable, and we still talk about it to this day.

Sending you many hugs and blessings

I agree with Conor. Let everyone else take the strain. This too will pass. Take care of yourself and Mr Gilly, who seems to be doing a little better

Gillybob - I don't know your circumstances but I do hope things improve for you, not just for Christmas, but thereafter. In the meantime I shall light a candle and offer up a prayer for your family.

Desperately sad comment Buster. Why not make this year the one to say you are struggling a little?

Do what I do put on a brave face , smile and pretend you are having a wonderful time . While cooking the dinner and entertaining every one . It's work well for me for years , no one has seen through it yet . So for this year will be no different .

I don’t often post but I do follow and do hope that your husband will soon recover. As far as Christmas is concerned why not do some on line browsing while sitting with your DH? You can choose some gifts and have them delivered to someone else’s address as you are out at the hospital so much. Hopefully this will give you some pleasure. From my own experience if you approach Christmas will few expectations it will go well and soon be over.

I'm sorry your dh is ill, Gillybob. I'd missed that, somehow.

Christmas isn't compulsory. I was once very poorly prior to Christmas when my boys were small. I voiced my concerns to our lovely GP, who asked me what I thought would happen if Christmas didn't happen. Um...nothing? In the end, we had a very low key day, no one now remembers it except me, and no harm was done.

I think your GD is very small so what happens on the day will be of no consequence to her. In your shoes, I'd have a simple roast dinner and minimal gift-giving. You could do a Secret Santa for the whole family this year, if that's agreeable. It would save time and money but everyone still gets something.

Hoping for better times for you. X

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time Gilly.
Remember there are no 'shoulds' about Christmas. My first husband died at Christmas, aged just 44, and I have never seen it in the same way - I just do what I feel like. It's massively liberating! You can give gift cards to save you the effort of shopping and you don't have to send cards. You don't need to do the whole Christmas lunch thing either. Just suit yourself; people will understand, and if they don't, well, that's their problem!

Always remember that it's up to you how you celebrate (or not), everything is optional - and the aim is to have an enjoyable day.

Yes,maybe your daughter can prepare a 'low- key' christmas? Just a special meal for you all,and of course gifts for Evie,and then you can viisit your husband and just enjoy a quieter christmas? I dont know if youre religious at all but if you are a christmas service might be uplifting,and you can pray or light candles and ask for your husbands quick recovery ?

I'm sorry things are difficult for you at the moment gillybob I can quite understand your feelings about this Christmas. Good advice on here, talk to your daughter and decide what to do between you. Enjoy some time with your granddaughter then just take things easy. I hope 2020 is a better year for you.

Gillybob - Hand it over to someone else - I did and it was the best thing i ever did - for myself. Look up Athena Moberg CPTSD on Youtube - fantastic wisdom!

Gillybob, I hadn't seen any posts from you for a while & was wondering if everything was okay with you. I didn't know your husband was ill.
Let your children take charge of Christmas this year and you take very good care, x.

Gilly, I don't know your situation either, but I wholeheartedly endorse what others have said: hand everything over to someone else - as soon as possible - and participate as much or as little as you feel able, life will still go on, and you will be less stressed.

I would suggest you try to dial down the worry ( easier said then done).

Sometimes the simplest things are the best, a nice walk, a tasty sandwich, fun with the children.

I'm sure your family will understand. You are doing brilliantly btw.

I also don’t know your situation but Christmas isn’t compulsory. Don’t feel you need to do anything particular.....and you know what.....a little bit of last minute shopping and a few nice things to eat, will be enough for anyone...and even if that doesn’t happen, I don’t believe anyone at all will lose sleep over it. If it’s praying on your mind, tell your family your passing on it all this year. If there’s a young child involved, you could send a little money to the parents to buy her a gift. Its only a day-it will pass-and then life goes back to ‘normal’ and no one will think any the worse of you. Go well.

Gillybob the best present you could get would be your DH recovering and coming back to you. Anything else is just tinsel! Xxxx

I am amazed you feel behindhand, I don't s tart my Christmas preparations until December 1st.

Let your daughter do the work this year, but discuss it with her NOW.

And Happy Christmas when it comes.