Wedding invites

At my daughter's wedding there were 9 guests, ie parents, sibling of each plus partners and the remaining grandparent, it was lovely, very intimate and everyone felt equally included. Better to spend the money on living after the wedding than on the wedding in my opinion. It was also far less stressful for the bride and groom. We all had a lovely time, sitting at the one large table, chatting and laughing together. Was first really small wedding I'd attended, and it was smashing as so relaxed. So I say only invite the people the happy couple want there, it's their day so let them decide and not feel obliged to invite all and sundry. I hope it all goes well.

Gone are the days when people throw their weddings open to all relatives, regardless if they see them or not. Leave it totally to the bride and groom, and if anyone goes off in a huff, let them, they’re no loss if they behave like that ! People should have respect for the fact of costs, number limitations at reception venues etc and just be happy for the couple.

Gosh, I think I'd be quite pleased if I never had to see my SIL again, if she behaved like your SIL, Lizbethann55! She sounds a nightmare.

Let the young couple make the decisions, then it's nothing to do with you.

We had a similar situation with guests at my DD's wedding. Her fiancé has a v large family, 16 aunts & uncles and 38 cousins, (there are more now!) some of whom he'd never met. My dd solved the issue by saying that as we were contributing to the cost, she felt that the guest list should be divide into three, so she and fiancé asked 40 folk they wanted, we asked 40 from our family & friends and the IL's had to choose which of their hundreds of relatives & friends they wanted! Dd also stipulated that there was to be no horse-trading so that if two of our guests couldn't come, it didn't mean the IL's could invite two more. That all worked well for us.

Truthfully your SIL with her behaviour such as it is shouldn’t be invited !!

I’ve just attended a wedding to which my husband was not invited. It was my cousins daughter who got married I was delighted to be invited. On the other hand another cousin who’s partner wasn’t invited wouldn’t go. You won’t please everyone - so let the newly engaged couple have who they want at their wedding. Good luck with all the planning

It is clear that your SiL is a pain in the fundament all the time, so doing something she doesn't approve of, may cause a strop, but, hey, you are used to her stropping over nothing. You are doing her a kindness by giving her this opportunity to have another strop, she really ought to thank you for it.

Or in other words, you and your family should do what you want and ignore her.

I do understand the problem. My father was one of eleven and my MiL one of thirteen and we wanted a quiet wedding.

We got round it by having a quiet wedding, parents siblings, godparents and best man and woman and then a few weeks later each of our parents had a later home based reception, to scoop up the others and we atended each.

You could also drop a line to all those not included explaining the problem and asking them not to be upset if they are not among those invited to the event.

My sister is much like your SIL. Your son and DIL to be need only invite who they want to. My sister was mad because I did not send Christmas presents to her step son who is 43! or her godchild. We can never please them and it has taken years for me to realize that, as well as making my family miserable. Have a joyful time.

Many people ,including me do not enjoy weddings.
There is a lot of waiting around, boring speeches ,problem over transport and accommodation etc plus a huge amount of cost.
I think it is a pity that more folk are not honest......
Let the couple choose who they want to invite -probably friends of their age - but relatives etc who they rarely if ever see can be told after the event.
I bet the relatives will be relived not hurt especially if they are elderly.

I think it’s best to let your son decide who to invite. I am estranged from my mother and sister. My eldest son invited them both to his wedding, but my younger only invited his nan. None of it anything to do with me, and no one made comment to either of my boys. I think these days, more and more couples are doing things their own way.

Lizbeth I got married in 1970. There were 14 people at our wedding and none of them were aunts, uncles or cousins, of whom I had many.

They all got over it

Leave your SiL to stew in her own juice, if you’ll forgive the rather inelegant expression.
But above all let your DS and DiL have the wedding they want, without interference from you. (Or SiL).

When my daughter got married she fortunately chose a venue that had fire regulations that prevented more than a certain number attending! As her groom had a huge family & her future MiL had grand ideas that they should all come (she wasn't footing the bill!) we were very grateful to be able to give her a cast iron reason why they couldn't all be invited.

You can choose your friends but not your family - if a friend behaves badly then they probably won't remain a friend so why should we feel obliged to panda to badly behaved relatives - decide not to and a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders. Let the happy young people have the day they want to have - not the day anyone else expects of them. If people are offended then it's their problem not yours. Be excited for that your DS and DiL are having the day of their dreams with the love and support of the nearest and dearest of their own choice and enjoy every minute with a clear conscience.

When we got married many years ago my Mother took it upon herself to invite people we didn't even know and even asked the two girls next door to be bridesmaids without my knowledge. I felt like it wasn't really my wedding at all. When it came to my daughter's wedding I left it totally to them who they invited. They had a beautiful church ceremony just for very close family then they invited all their friends and other family members to the evening reception. It worked very well and everyone was happy, so I would say let them decide on who is invited and respect their wishes.

He who pays the piper calls the tune. We helped the DD and her DH to buy their first house but when they married gave a reasonable but not tiny amount. In return they called the shots entirely and the invitation list was theirs without a murmur from us. The DSIL's parents paid a bit more, and, in return, availed themselves of some guest list tantrums and hissy fits.

Personally, I do not see why the OP's awful SIL who sulks and makes herself unpleasant, and whose DC the happy couple hardly know, should have a moment's consideration. She will make more trouble at the wedding on past showing so should definitely not be invited. I would have throught another decade's sulk would be a blessing for all.

However, if the guest list is left to the happy couple alone, then this absolves the OP of any responsibility.

My DS and DIL solved the problem by getting married in Italy. They invited everyone, but guests had to pay for their own flights and accommodation. Over 50 people came! But only their closest friends and relatives were prepared to cough up. Important close friends who perhaps couldn't afford the trip were subsidized by the bank of Mum and Dad.
The wedding was a delight and cost half the price of a similar 'do' in the UK.

Whose wedding is it??

It's up to the couple to decide who comes and who doesn't,
I'd keep well out of it. Maybe if anyone asks, say "it's different these days, not like it was in the old days" or something similar.

Your sil sounds very narcissistic and giving in to her just feeds this particular character type. Great that your DH said suit yourself and stood up to her. Now giving the history and her histrionics your DS has the opportunity to say what he wants and their friends are a priority. My son married in Rhodes with all of their friends present. Us parents stayed home and gave them the money. We had daily photos sent and it was fabulous when they got married on the beach. Your sil is a queen manipulator....uncrown her. All the comments above are giving you permission to run your own life.....nobody should emotionally blackmail you in your decision making.

I can understand your worry. When I got married, many moons ago, my dad was one of 10 and I , at that time, had 21 cousins - only 5 of them had children.
Saving grace(if you can call it that) was that my OH was from overseas so only ended up with his stepfather (his mother wouldn't fly over) and his sister and BiL.
Don't worry about your SiL opinion - it really is nothing to do with her as it is your son, not hers getting married. Easiest thing I'd guess is that those in the family that you DS has contact with. and friendly with, could be invited - the rest could always be invited either to the evening or have a separate party on another day. I think in this day and age, many people are more understanding in situations like this when everything is so expensive.

Good grief. I'd never invite that woman to anything ever again.

Honestly? Let her kick off. I bet you’ll feel so much better being “punished” by silence than tip toeing around her!

I was never consulted about the guest list for my children’s weddings and I didn’t expect to be. I think my son asked my husband about aunts and uncles, but it was ultimately, their choice.

I suppose we were fortunate that I have no family and DH not very much, so there wasn’t the potential for massive upset.

It’s your son and daughter in law to be’s wedding. Leave them to compile the guest list and to invite the people they want to invite. That way you’ll be able to stay friends with them, which surely is more important that someone you rarely see taking offence.

Who's wedding is it? Who is paying for it? You could say the cost needs to be limited, as we did. And we still had a lovely time at DD's wedding. Really good comments above. Don't ask people who will get you uptight, it's a busy day as it is. Have a beautiful day.

Don't understand all the fuss about weddings. We had immediately family at the ceremony then buffet and party afternoon and evening in a large hall with disco. Skipped the sit down meal too expensive and there's who do u invite/not invite. Large hall or club room and everyone can come. Nieces did the same at their weddings.

They should have the wedding they want. Possibly some people choose to get married abroad to avoid lots of this and reduce costs. In reality do you invite lots of people you barely know or put a deposit down on a house it’s these sorts of huge figures.

Just think of the cost. Unless it's a self catering wedding, the cost will be out of control. I agree to let them invite who they want as the family is too large. You may need to explain to them all that a huge one sided family wedding isn't practical ( particularly with the anticipated had feeling. )

PS.As our family gets larger we have the same problem. We have several " Chrismas" get togethers.