Feeling adrift

Not been in your pisution personally but have encountered many who have (through work). If course you are feeling adrift. Your life has been fully occupied with caring and now that has changed. It is a huge loss. There is no way you will not feel adrift as you say, it is so early for you not to have those feelings. Not easy to do but you have to give yourself time to adjust, the loss of your daily role is like a bereavement, one minute you are fully engaged with your role and the next that is taken away from you. Do you have family who you can visit now and again. Remember, your DH s being cared for you do not need to visit every day. I do know some people feel they must and want to visit daily and that is fine too. Could the care home put you in touch with anyone who could help you with your feelings which to me are of "loss". Does the Home have a relatives group? Perhaps you may find others who have gone through the same kind of feelings. If you are the organised type and having cared so well for your DH you do seem to be, perhaps you could organise something at the Home if there are no supports in place already. Allow yourself time, you have had a big life change.

Yes. DH has been in a nursing home for eighteen months and I still feel as you do. He needs two carers to move him, and continues to have psychotic episodes, but I still feel that I should be caring for him. I visit most days, and fit other things around this, including caring for my AC who has learning difficulties. Like you, I feel that there is less purpose to my life. I try to keep busy, which I'm sure you do too. Maybe we need to see it as a stage in life, and hope that ' this too will pass '. Be kind to yourself, as you did all you could. I'm thinking of you.

Nothing to add, really, just to agree with others that this is a big adjustment, and five weeks is no time at all. Glad you've taken the decision to be warm and comfortable - now is the time to look after yourself and get back to understanding your own needs.

This may sound daft but you can get really immersed in doing a jigsaw, the time passes quickly and you won’t have to do any outside thinking.

Nothing to add except give yourself time. DH died. I was main carer, he died at home as he wanted. He had dementia. Never been on my own til now, im 68. Its been eighteen months and i am afraid i am still unable to function as one. I am being kind to myself as suggested on here. Someday i know i will come out the other side but i am still grieving

Its grief. Natural and understandable. Give yourself time. Go gently. Be kind to yourself.

These feelings are nebulous and like shifting sand. It's possibly a sense of loss?

I am not minimizing anybodys experience but I get a version of this when I go on holiday. I want to go but after 24 hours I don't know what to do with myself and I want to come home.

As they say Change is Strange.

Again nothing to add to all the excellent advice given. Take some time to adjust, don't feel guilty that your OH has had to go into residential care. When you are ready to move forward consider volunteering - I have just being reading about the wonderful support provided by Silverline. Also try to make yourself get out for a walk in your local park or woodland - I find nature's restorative powers never fail to lift my spirits.

In so many ways your situation is like a bereavement - you have lost your old life, and feel as if you are standing on shifting sands while a new life slowly forms. Be very kind to yourself; have some little treats like a hairdo or a massage perhaps, and concentrate on doing the things you really enjoy. I am sure that calmness and peace will come eventually as you form a new pattern, and I send every good wish for you to reach that stage soon. xx

I used to run a carers group at our doctors surgery where I worked and this is the most common things that carers suffered with. Being someone carer for so long its like suffering a bereavement when your love one goes into a home. Your life totally changes, the feeling of guilt sometimes, and the feeling of isolation as they were your main contact 24/7. My advise is try and find a carers group near to you - talk to people that are going through the same thing, they will know exactly what you are going through right now. The best place to start is with your doctors surgery as they will have a carers lead and should be able to point you in the right direction. Good luck x

This is excellent advice ! I would add that Cortisol levels are very high in a stressed brain and when kept at a high level for a length of time this becomes the new normal. Carers are in this heightened state and the brain ( limbic area which includes emotion) may crave activity and search around for stimulation so as to regain this level. The rational brain may also interpret this as sadness, loss, grief, emptiness, etc in an attempt to understand what's happening. So it's very important to 'convalesce' and gradually bring the stress levels down to another new normal. On a practical level 'Cruse' and other similar agencies can be a great support.

Also nothing new to add to everyone else's excellent posts. Just take your time, get used to the new situation and treat yourself well and kindly. Have some little treats ready for when you are feeling low. You are so fortunate in finding such a lovely care home for your DH. Now you can have a bit of a rest.

Nothing to add to the wise advice lucky, you’re going through a huge transition and of course are adrift, why wouldn’t you be? So yes, put the heating on, be comfortable, just be as you are and allow yourself time. Sending love,

Hello Lucky I have no wise words to offer really. But I didn’t just want to read and retreat.

I hope as time passes you will feel less adrift and more ‘normal’ in your days.

Best wishes from me going forward. You sound a kind lady. x

Maybe try to make a point of going out each day even if it is just to pick up a newspaper. Visit your DH, treat yourself to a luxury every now and then to tempt your appetite. If you are busy during the day then the evenings can be dealt with by catching up on stuff at home or just curling up with the tv, a book or some knitting/ crochet. I know nothing will take the place of having DH at home but maybe you need to establish routines for yourself now. Really hope you feel better soon.

I have not been through an identical situation to yours Luckygirl but I did once achieve a long-held dream to live in a place I truly loved.

So I expected to settle down immediately and enjoy my beautiful surroundings and the considerable freedom I had, especially when compared to the previous awful years.

But I didn't.

It's a little like someone coming out of the safety of jail and unable to appreciate their freedom. Their "normal" has just suffered a radical change.

Your pysche needs to adjust; your "normal" has radically changed and you need to learn how to live in a new normal.

There's no quick fix - feeling adrift is how it'll be for a while yet - but you will adjust and survive - you did before.

And there's an element of grieving here too, don't forget that bit.

Be kind to yourself, take it day to day. Put on your new normal every morning like a new coat and eventually it'll be an old, familiar and enjoyable coat.

Not much to add really to Maw's and others' posts but to say when we are full time carers we have a purpose, we are needed and suddenly someone else is doing that job, you are redundent.
Well not entirely but I'm sure you know what I mean.

A friend whose DH with dementia had eventually to go into residential care was very upset when she found him holding hands with another resident.
She didn't find it funny but rather a mixture of jealousy and.
resentment.

I would try to give it more time and perhaps plan some days out with friends which don't involve him or even your DC . A change is as good as a rest.

Hygge sounds so appealing

I meant !!!

Luckygirl just as I have heeded advice to make no major changes in my life for at least a year after Paw’s death I would counsel you to do the same.
And don’t stunt on your comforts either- what if it does cost a bit, better you should spend it on yourself than hand it over to SS!
And don’t feel guilty about doing nothing either - you have earned a bit of respite. [glowers]

This must be akin to how some people feel when their children leave home - empty nesters.

Your life has been centred around your DH and his needs for quite a while and finding you are not the one carrying out his physical care must leave you feeling rather anxious when you see what needs to be done. It's good that the nurse was receptive to your suggestions.

I think many of us want to curl up in the warm especially when the weather has been as atrocious as it was today but perhaps joining some local day-time activities could help rather than venturing out on a cold, wet, windy evening.
Art can be very therapeutic, even if you are like me and not very good!

Thank you so much for all the supportive posts - Gransnet really has been pivotal in keeping me sane over the last few months and years - so many thanks.

The irony is that while I was a full time carer I used to envy those who could drop everything for a weekend (or even a day) away, but now that I can, I find it hard to leave the comfort of home. - gosh Maw - I could have written those exact words!

The darker colder evenings are not helping; and I have had to take a policy decision that, in spite of my financial worries, I will have on as much heating as I need, as it is miserable wandering about a cold home.

I did give some thought to a lodger, but thought I should try and let the dust settle a bit first. I will consider whether there might be students who might be in need of accommodation.

Added to the feeling of being adrift is the constant nagging doubt as to whether I have done the right thing - the nurses and care staff are lovely, but sometimes I know instinctively what he needs (e.g. little things like how best to put his pillows) as I have done it for so long, but the carers do it a bit differently - I have to keep telling myself to stand back.

I am also a bit perturbed by the fact that he has a small pressure sore which is giving him pain. I worked very hard at home to avoid this. I am afraid I did interfere when I was visiting today and said they should dress it with micropore as every time they move him or take down his clothes it is giving him pain. The nurse on duty agreed with me luckily and she did it - he was much more comfortable when I left. The nurses seem to be guided by the district nurse who visits - I am puzzled as to why they, as equally qualified nurses, cannot make these decisions themselves - the nurse had been wanting to put a dressing on before I brought it up.

I have lit the stove and will curl up and get warm now. Thank you for all the advice.

Luckygirl, you're "moving" from war to peace which is why you feel "adrift"- It's very similar to what post-deployment feels like for military service persons-

Make a list each day of 6 simple requirements, for example eat, shower, get out of the house, connect with another human being, find one thing to smile about and sing-

Come up with a plan, for example make it your current life's work not to ruminate, catch yourself in the act, refocus-

Start designing your new life-

Develop it-

Launch it-

Check it for strengths and weaknesses -

Lather, rinse, repeat-

Keep adrift, don't sink-

I think it is entirely understandable that you feel this way.

This may be a completely ridiculous thing for me to suggest but when I was living alone, I took in a lodger. It worked surprisingly well and the money could help a bit towards the home's fees.

lucky, Your whole identity has been caring for your husband for such a long time, it’s not surprising that it’s taking a while to adjust to your new normal.
Right after he went into the facility, you were able to relax but now you have realize that this is the rest of your life. It’s completely normal to find yourself not feeling normal.

Please be kind to yourself and give it time. Each day you will find yourself feeling a little bit better.