I am just wrecked

lucky you sound just like my SIL when my brother went into a dementia care home. I think it could be grief in some way. Your DH is still with you but not at home where you are used to him being and all the stress you had has wiped you out. Also I think you were running on adrenaline which has now dropped. Now is the time to be kind to yourself if you can. You have done your best and you need to stop blaming yourself for letting your DH down (which you haven’t). You are tired lucky worn out. You need rest

Some people benefit from increasing omega-3 fatty acids, which are higher in some fish than others, like salmon and sardines- It's said to elevate mood and wellbeing-

A certain amount of exhaustion is due to rumination, focusing on sad thoughts- Plenty of suggestions on the internet for catching yourself in the act and breaking the habit-

Exercise and sunlight-

Socialize and get sufficient sleep-

I quietly followed your thread, read how you cared for husband, you've been "through the mill", so to speak, be kind to yourself ..

I have followed your journey with such admiration and am not surprised that you are reacting to months of physical stress and emotional turmoil.

As others have said, you need time to recover and remember who you are, despite the ludicrous battles over who should foot the very considerable bill for your DH’s essential care.

Hope your family can support you emotionally and that the youngest generation brings a smile to you.

What everyone else gas said, lucky!!

Just be gentle with yourself. (((Hugs)))

I felt just like you when my parents went into care having spent 10 years caring for them. It takes time to adjust. Be kind to yourself, you did your best and more. Just go with the flow and let the pressure you have been under for so long ease. It will get better. Sending love and hugs.

I think you should treat this like a beareavement ,which it is in a way.Its the end of the life you knew and the start of a new phase.Take it easy and take care of yourself ,you will get through it ,it will take time .

I'm very late to your story Luckygirl, but it seems to me that your situation is still not resolved entirely. Yes your husband is happy and well cared for in the nursing home, and that's a great relief for you. You are grieving for the life you had together, and no doubt missing him being with you immensely. Instead of being able to start your path to acceptance of the way your life has changed, you are still faced with the fight for funding, and inhuman, invidious procedures. It's no wonder you're struggling. All you can do is to make you a priority, go with your body; sleep, cry, get angry. And then try to get out in the fresh air, be with people who love you, but most importantly be as kind to yourself as you clearly are to others. I wish you well.

I'm sure it's no wonder, Luckygirl, after so much dreadful worry and stress, on top of your poor dh being so ill. I can't offer any better advice than what others have said - plenty rest and sleep must surely be a priority when your mind and body are so exhausted with it all.
Can only send all best wishes for some sort of little light at the the end of the tunnel soon. xx

Thank you everyone - I appreciate your concern and advice very much.

I will try and rest, as this seems to be the best thing.

The financial issues weigh heavy on my mind. We have had times of straitened circumstances before but we have faced them together. I am lucky that my brother and my son-i-l are trying to support me with this in terms of money; but I am on my own with the funding battles. I wish they would just make up their minds which authority is going to be involved then I could plan from a certain base.

One option would leave us paying nothing; the other a vast amount that will necessitate raising money on our home; so all of these meetings are very crucial and inevitably stressful.

I could pay out for a lawyer to be with me at these meetings, but risking cash is hard at the moment.

I slept a bit better last night as DD had moved everything into a smaller warmer room for me.

Thank you again for your helpful posts; and I send good wishes to all those of you facing similar problems - I am sure there must be many.

I haven't followed your story but it sounds very long and stressful. Reading through the comments I thought I was the only one who felt it must be like a bereavement until I read paddyann's post. I agree with her.

I don't think you should even try to cope, I think this is a time when all you can do is keep on keeping on. When everything is sorted you may well relapse because fighting for financial help keeps you going but when all is done you may feel your 'loss' even more. That is how I felt after DS died.

Presumably you have asked CAB for advice? I do hope so, it must be a minefield.

After my husband had been very ill (he's OK now) I realised I'd been holding everything together and when he was well enough it was like I gave myself permission to flump into a small heap. I've deflumped now
Look after yourself and have lie-ins etc

Thank you - yes I am definitely flumped. Now I have a proper diagnosis to present to my GP . I am glad that you deflumped and hope for the same. Fingers crossed.

Luckygirl I bet your low mood and fatigue is due to anticlimax. You have been actively coping with difficulties and have got into the habit of coping and now your immediate troubles are over you are confronted with the new ones contingent upon his going to a nursing home.

Your response is as others have said normal and proper for someone who has to learn new emotional responses. You will get there!

Luckygirl my warmest wishes to you and my great admiration for the care you have given so freely for your DH, but now your wellbeing is your priority.

I see your sense of humour has not entirely left the building and I hope you can de-flump very soon. Go and discuss feeling flumped with the GP. They're probably expecting your visit knowing what you're coping with.

The support of family and RL friends and virtual friends who send their good wishes will help. I have no idea how good wishes from total strangers can lift the spirits, I only know from experience that they do. xx

Luckygirl, Hugs to you.
I read your post and then the replies, and as I was thinking what to put, I found that it had already been said by the wise and friendly GN's before me.
So I can only reiterate that you must just 'go with the flow', and take one baby step at a time.
Your DD has made a cosy, warmer room for you, so take to your nest and rest as much as you need. You have been through the mill and it is all your body's reaction to the strain and stress.

the physical effects of mental strain can be enormous.
From headache, backache, fatigue and anxiety but depression is perhaps the worst.

Be kind to youself. You are still going through a lot.

Luckygirl get someone from Citizens advice to go to your appointment with you ,my daughter took someone from there with her to her PIP appeal and it made a huge difference .Like you she was at the end of her tether and brain fog from her condition meant she found things hard to explain.One meeting with a lovely man from CA when he took all her details onboard and could answer for her and he managed to get her the result she wanted.She needed to be in receipt of ONE benefit to get her blue badge for her car .She got it.Good luck with your appointments and best wishes for a more peaceful stress free time ahead .

Luckygirl, you have been doing so much, for so long and, still, the stress goes on. No wonder you're flumped. I can only add my own virtual hug to what everyone else has said, together with a suggestion that you try using the Bach Flower Remedies for a week or two.

They will do no harm in conjunction with other, prescribed, medicines and may do some good. I realise there are those who will pour scorn on this suggestion but I can only testify that they have helped me at times of stress and crisis.

Based on what you've told us, I'd suggest you could try a mixture of Oak, Beech and Olive. Olive, in particular, is very helpful when you're burnt out and exhausted.

They're often available in large pharmacies and health food shops or by post from www.Ainsworths.com
?

Luckygirl, I noticed (on the earlier thread) a lot of comments along the lines of 'Once he's settled in, you can relax'. I thought they were unrealistic and unhelpful.

You have a lot of adjusting to do. You almost have a new identity. You don't live as part of a couple now, but alone, as an individual. You are no longer a main carer, but a visitor. Your worries haven't disappeared, just changed in focus. So it goes on and you have to look after yourself.

One thing you can do now is to think differently, though. You can spend some time on your own interests without the worry about care. Maybe choose one day per week. You could start something new. I know you feel exhausted but there's so much truth in the saying 'A change is as good as a rest'. Anything that shifts the focus to another subject for a time really helps. Consider joining a club, a class or group.

After a not very good two years and then a really awful three months before DH died I hadn't had time to think how stressed I was. The first thing that happened was that the pain in my arthritic hip which had made me wonder if I could keep struggling upstairs to him vanished almost over night. I had a bit of stomach trouble for a couple of weeks, as if my body was reorganising itself and I had a nasty attack of vertigo which I hadn't had for a long time. I've found the best thing is to do as much as I feel like doing. If I feel like going out for lunch - fine. If all I want to do is lie on the sofa with a cup of tea for the afternoon that's fine too. Life is gradually reaching a sort of balance.

Luckygirl (((hugs)))
Others have said well what I would have said.

My husband used to suffer with cluster migraines brought on by stress - they didn't happen while he was going through the problems but after they were over when he could relax. This is just the same for you. You have coped all this time carrying on as you've had to without thinking about your own health. Now you are able to relax more (albeit not from a financial view yet) your body is reacting and telling you to rest - take notice of it. It will take time to adjust to your new life and the burden of care which has been lifted off your shoulders - be gentle on yourself

It is so very hard, but one day at a time and you will come through it.?

So sorry you feel like this. It sounds as if you are grieving for the life you had. Is there any chance that the two of you could live together in the home? It always seems so wrong that couples who have been together for decades end up having to live apart. Whatever the solution, love and all good luck to you.

You have been through the mill and still have more concerns to sort so it is no wonder that you are feeling the way you do. Although it is a relief that your husband is now in a home where he is well looked after and happy, you have now gone from being busy at home to being on your own with little to do. When you go in the bedroom and he is not there it is like a bereavement.

Is it possible that you could get some counselling? I would also recommend trying a walking group - often GP surgeries can recommend one. You walk and talk or not talk as you feel like, get fresh air and exercise and it can make you feel better physically and mentally.