Problem with a man at work

You've had a lucky escape indeed, seastar.

I'm sure your other colleagues realise he's a horrible person to be talking about you like that.

You are genuine and honest but not everyone is the same - as this man has shown you.

As SirChenjin suggests, can you do something nice this weekend to take your mind off it?

Oh my goodness - what an utter, utter b*%#^#d he is . He’s a nasty, twisted little man and no mistake - no wonder he’s single, and I bet you’re not the only woman he’s done this to. I really feel for you, I’m so sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of this. Do you have friends or family you can catch up with this weekend so you have something nice to focus on? What a relief that you’ve changed shifts so your contact with this snake is minimised. I hope you can put this behind you soon and thank your lucky, lucky stars you didn’t get more involved with him. Take care

I've taken the advice posted and have backed off. Yesterday he told everyone about my life and people have approached me saying that he has been two-faced. So, all of my department now know all my private business. I didn't tell him by the way but he managed to find out and I don't know how he found out all about me. He has in the last day been laughing behind my back with other people in my department. Our shifts have changed so I will no longer see him for more than a potential hour. I feel really sad because I did think he was lovely.
I thank you all because you have helped me wise up - without all the advice on here I would no doubt be in a dreadful mess. Thank you so much for taking time out to help me.

I'm afraid he doesn't come across as a genuine, caring man, seastar. Please listen to your instincts and follow them.
From what you say, he blows hot and cold, flirts with other women and also says you hurt him, thus relaying blame onto you for absolutely no valid reason whatsoever.
You are still grieving from the very sudden and still quite recent, loss of your husband. Give yourself time, and don't rush into anything with this man, who, from your descriptions, comes across as very odd indeed, and somewhat manipulative. Take a step back. Be careful.

What do you like about him, now?
Now that he's been 'off' with you and is flirting with other women?

He's not acting like a man who wants to start a happy relationship with you.

Whatever his motivations are, doesn't matter.
He doesn't want the same thing as you do, and you'd do well to give up on him.

I’m so, so sorry seastar, that must have been awful

This man does not sound like he compares well to your husband. It’s possible for people to be nice on the exterior but have a side to them that isn’t so nice - and genuinely nice men don’t tend to be single at 60. Listen to your gut instinct and file him under ‘frog’ rather than ‘prince’ - if you do decide to get back into the dating game be prepared for a few frogs and only pick someone who makes you feel good about yourself and the relationship, NOT someone who flirts with other women in front of you (urgh)

Oh that must have been a terrible, terrible time for you, seastar.

Honestly, you've not even been on a date with your nice, smiley, slightly creepy man yet, and he's causing you angst already.

Maybe he enjoys messing around with your mind, maybe he can't help it, because there is something 'off' about him.

Either way, it doesn't bode well for a potential relationship.

My husband died suddenly, without warning, 16 months ago of a sudden cardiac arrest, He collapsed and died within 20 minutes. There was no sign that he was ill. He ran 3 times a week, cycled to work every day and the month before, he climbed up Mount Snowdon. As soon as I met him years ago I knew he was the one for me. He was the best person I have ever met and we were married for 23 years. We were very happy and when he died it was as if part of me died as well.
I thought that I would get a job to pay the bills and at the end of September 2019 I met this man at work. We had been on different shifts and suddenly we were on the same shifts. He had already found out alot about me but I don't know how. He comes across as a smiley, nice man and everyone seems to like him.

Oh seastar, I really feel for you, you sound like a very lovely lady. Some people are not nice - they’re just not, for whatever reason, and when you’re feeling vulnerable the slightest bit of attention can lift your spirits and put the spring back in your step. The thing is, he set alarm bells ringing at the start and you should always trust your gut instinct - it was essential for our survival many years ago and it still serves us well now (especially when creepy men are lurking about!). Listen to it and take heed - you knew deep down something wasn’t right and he’s proving that gut feeling to be correct.

You’re only 60, you have plenty of time to meet someone really decent (if you want to). In the meantime, do you have hobbies and things that interest and inspire you? Can you build on them in any way?

I do mean this kindly, but I think you are looking for another man like your husband.

It doesn't sound as if this person is anything like the love you lost.

How long have you been widowed, if you don't mind saying?

I'm just asking because there is no way around the pain of losing someone. The only way round it is through it, if you know what I mean?

Seastar….Somethings definitely off.

What's made you decide you like him between 23rd Sept and 10th Oct?

I think I've been taken in by his smiles and charming personality and I think you could be right in that I'm lonely. I think it is also possible that I'm worried I'll never find someone to love me again. All the women at work of my age still have their husbands alive and it hurts because I lost my husband who I loved with all my heart and soul. I find it horrible that this man at work can do this to me. I thought he genuinely liked me. I am so disappointed.

He sounds like a not very nice person who is not treating you well at all, and if it was another woman behaving like this I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be friends with her.

If he is flirting with another woman in front of you and the acting all hurt and annoyed when you quite rightly questioned his behaviour then that’s awful behaviour - as others have said, there is a reason he’s still single and it’s not that he gets a bit nervous. Other women have seen through him and got away from him quickly.

We are treated by others the way that we tell them and show them we want to be treated. You sound like a lovely person but you do not need to take this - you deserve far better than some awkward, rather creepy man with a rather cruel side to him. Imagine him naked on the loo if you have to, but don’t waste any more of your life on him. There is a really good one out there for you who won’t set alarm bells ringing at the outset - you just haven’t met him yet, but you will

sorry but flirting with other women in front of you is not kind nor honest.
He is not ok he is going to hurt you.
Avoid.
You can be open to meet a good man do not let yourself be damaged by him. He knows you are needy now and he is a player.

You’ve had your red flags lady. This is your ‘lovey dovey’ new time together - yet he flirts?

Get real.

Get out.

Without knowing the chap, and based only on the information in your posts, he sounds like bad news. If he were genuinely as charming as you find him based on a workplace acquaintance, is it not likely that he might have found a partner sometime in the last forty or so years? How much do you know about him apart from what he has told you? There may be women in his past who have walked away from him because of unkindness or abuse. At the very least he is nosey and intrusive if he’s been researching your private information. Having piqued your interest, he seems to be deliberately arousing your jealousy. I’m guessing you may be a little bit lonely and therefore easy prey. Please, do be very careful...

So, is this a way of manipulating me? I didn't think of it that way. I have never come across a man like this before. My husband was a lovely, kind, straight forward person. I guess I was blessed in meeting him. This man at work though is different and I don't understand what is going on. I can't read the situation clearly.

There’s likely to be a good reason why he’s managed to get to 60 without finding a permanent partner. His behaviour is odd - more or less stalking you then flirting overtly with another woman. Could you handle a relationship with a man who blows hot and cold to manipulate you?

UpDate:
I find that I really like him and can't wait until I see him again. He coughs when he is near me and he says it is because he is nervous. He doesn't do this with anyone else. However, he has gone abit cold and has been flirting with the blonde women at work. Today I questioned his motives and he got annoyed and I cried all the way home. He comes across as always smiling and shy.
He has never been married. He says he has had women he liked but they didn't like him and vise versa.
I don't know what to do. I avoid work outings as I get upset when he is flirting with other women.
I know I should cut loose but I really like him. I feel an idiot for feeling this way. My heart misses a beat when I see him. Any tips for me on how to deal with this situation? We are both 60 year olds and I think I'm on a one way trip to being upset. He comes across as being so honest and kind and that's half the problem. Why does he behave like this? I'm a kind sort of a person and I don't understand why he is doing this to me. It's tying my mind in knots!

I think it's sad you feel you feel you have to find a new job. I understand why though. Putting the best possible gloss on it this man has very poor social skills & at worst he's the sort of man my grandmothers and mother gave me dire warnings about. The fact he's somehow done research on you is deeply weird.

Let him down carefully. I once rejected a suitor and he turned nasty. I kept getting advertising literature addressed to Miss E C Virtue! A long time ago though.

The question is do you like him?
If yes, well encourage him to of his shell.
If no, then tell him to sod off.

I would say stay well away from him. A few years ago I had someone who followed me everywhere and tried to find out all about me. It became quite scary. If it happened now I would go to the police as it would be regarded as stalking. Good luck.

I'm so relieved to hear that you're backing off from him, seastar.
Make sure he doesn't find out where you live, all the same.
He sounds as if he could be a bit of a pest, at the least.
All good wishes to you.

First meeting should always be in a public place and tell a friend where you are going.