Such a bad day - just a weepy heap

The excellent nursing home my mother was in had student nurses on placement there from the local University. I always felt that meant there was good scrutiny of what went on an adherence to standards. It was run by a charity and every penny profit went back into the place. Gosh it was good.
Naturally its closed now. The site was just too valuable ?

Lucky nowhere is perfect. I would think that a new home will attract new and good staff. There will also be training available. Also as it is not full your DH will receive more individual attention.
It is a good plan to go every day but don't leave it too late.

Good thinking lucky.

I think all I can do is suck it and see - obviously I will be keeping a close eye on what is happening and visiting each day. It is very well-staffed at the moment as it has only just opened and has enough staff for when it is full - but at present it is not.

I am sorry to read you are having this dilemma Luckygirl. After talking to the staff and if you think it will work then I would choose the new nursing home. It sounds lovely, it’s close to your home, you have help to pay for it and the opportunity has come at the right time.

If it doesn’t work out then you will have to either take him home or find somewhere else. Any nursing home might not be what you are looking for. Don’t live with regret that you haven’t taken this opportunity.

Best wishes.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. xxx

You liked it. It is nearby. It will be a very nice environment for the staff as well as the residents so please don't be put off by one person's opinion.
Also as the places are going quickly you may need to act fast.

Of course there are always going to be nagging doubts but if you liked what you saw, then go for it.
Did you meet the, I was going to say matron, but whoever runs it? If you also get a good feeling about that person, you can be confident that it's going to be alright.

When my friend was choosing for her DH in much the same situation, she went with a retired social worker friend and together that visited 3 or 4 places. One was ruled out because DH was being treated like an object. The manager only wanted to discuss costs and rules!!

In the end they chose a nearby one with mixed reports but something which impressed her was there had been hardly any staff turnover since it opened about 20 years ago. I visited a couple of times and found her DH in the common room looking happy to see us. I don't think he knew us.

I hope whatever decision you make, will be the right one.

Also I seem to remember that your DH was a doctor at one time. Ask yourself what he would have advised in A professional situation.

Go with your instincts- if the care home is as nice as you say, I should think it will start off well.
If things should slip at some time in the future you will have the time and space to look around.
Are there other people you know or are in touch with who have relatives in residential care? Ease of access for you is important and pleasant surroundings will be reassuring, even perhaps uplifting both for your DH and your family visiting.
I remember how dreary and depressing you find the room you were offered some time ago in another care home. Weigh up the pros and cons of live in care/residential care/different care homes but do not be deflected if you have actually made up your mind.

Sigh. What can I do?

The only way we were able to get mum into care was by taking her to see a brand spanking new place that looked like a hotel! Mum was one of the first in and the care was sadly lacking so I would concur with the nurse. Didnt mention this yesterday as, imho, it is imperative that you get some respite now.

I agree don’t be put off by one opinion.
Look for yourself, have a “feel” for the place if you can and go with your instincts.
Sadly DD’s MIL who is just 70 but was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 5 years ago is reaching the stage where she needs residential care. She has a daily carer Mon-Fri but while more is needed her H is reluctant t have a live in carer.
I have tried to say to DD to pass on to the family IMO it is not necessarily just a question of what is best for her H but for her
I am seeing the strains on the whole family especially DD and SIL (the latter a saint with his mum regularly sleeping over to help out, happy to undertake personal care and possibly the one person who understands her best, but he also has a 3 year old son, a wife and a living to earn)
Heart breaking and while it addresses the practical issues, let nobody think it “solves “the problem of ongoing loss.

Personaly I feel this situation largely reflects how poorly carers are paid. A friend of mine purposely chose a Catholic care home so that the motivation for caring would be there.

To be frank I believe very strongly that all residential/ nursing homes struggle to establish a good staff team, new or not.
With the long experience of my Mother and the much shorter of that of my H the turnover of staff is constant.
They take on totally inexperienced staff who don’t know what they are expected to do and they don’t stay long.
It was very common in my H’s case to find staff huddling in a corner muttering.
I had no issue at all with carers, my issue was with management, I made an official complaint to the CEO of the group who ran his and several others and apart from one instant all my points were upheld.
I do not wish to upset anyone who has had to take this step or is thinking about it, I just want to prepare them to reality.

Luckygirl please reread maw and granny 23 's posts. The pd nurse doesn't see him every day and you will or your daughters. I do wish I was nearby to help.

No, Lucky,you didn’t need this!
I have no experience but I would have thought, conversely, that a newly-established home would be trying very hard to make a good impression. You could ask someone other than the PD nurse and they could see it differently. I’d say don’t be put off by one person’s opinion

Just had a message from the PD nurse to say that nursing home care in this situation is "not unreasonable" and suggesting a different nursing home; and saying that new homes often struggle to establish a good staff team. Did I need this??!!!

It has just made all the doubts and worries re-surface. I was feeling guilty enough anyway. Grrrr!

Lucky I’m so glad you feel better about things today. The brand new home and a room with a view would be perfect. It sounds as though you’ve made the difficult decision and I wish you all the best in taking this forward. You have honestly done your very best for a very long time. xx

All good wishes to you and Mr Lucky xx

It sounds a bit like happenstance, lucky.

Luckygirl, glad to hear that you are recovering from the doldrums.
The new nursing home, that you mentioned, sounds ideal, and I hope you get your DH's name down for a place ASAP.
It would appear to have come along at just the right time for you, and the decisions you are being forced to make, and having the offer of financial help is wonderful.
Fingers crossed all works out and is successful.

Lucky, I think you've made the right decision for all of you and I'm sure when he is settled in, you will both be more relaxed.
Heartwrenching decision all the same.

Oh this opportunity sounds heaven sent! Thank goodness. This new place sounds wonderful and how nice that you've had a financial offer of help just when you need it most.
Hope everything goes smoothly. ?

So very sorry, luckygirl. I can only echo the experience of Feelingmyage55 with my mother - when she went into a home she was actually happier because she had the security that there was help there at all times. I do hope this will be your OH's experience also, and both of you can hold onto the thought that this is not 'goodbye', just a different place, hopefully you will be able to see him frequently.

Luckygirl I've only just read this too and echo what others have said. The new facility sounds amazing and possibly meant to be - I really hope you can manage to secure your husband a room there as I'm sure it will soon have a waiting list.

It's such a dreadful decision to have to make but as Annsixty knows only too well there is also relief to hand over the care to professionals when you are too exhausted to cope any longer. I wish you and your DH well in this next step