Such a bad day - just a weepy heap

Granny23 What a lovely positive post and I hope that you can enjoy more precious moments together without the strain and stress of 24/7 care.

I do hope that you can find somewhere similar for your DH Luckygirl, it will be a difficult decision but it will be the right one for both your sakes.

It will be 9 weeks tomorrow since DH went to live in a care home. As he has advanced Dementia and lacks Capacity the decision was mine alone as his POA, although I had extensive, in depth discussion with our DDs and their full support and agreement that this was the only sensible, pragmatic decision in the circumstances.

I cannot claim that DH is 'happy' in his new home but he is certainly less anxious, confused and miserable than he was. He does ask me when I am going to take him 'home' but the home he wants to return to is his childhood home, to see his Mum and Dad, (both dead for 20+ years). He has already been on three trips in the Home's minibus and thoroughly enjoyed them as the photos taken prove, spends time out in the home's lovely garden and there are regular visits from entertainers, petting ponies and dogs, etc. which I have been able to enjoy too. His quality of life has certainly improved and he has been eating better, is always smartly dressed, clean and tidy. Someone other than me is coping with his incontinence and three loads of washing daily.

As for me, I can visit as often as I want. If he is sleepy or in a mood I don't stay long, if he is having a good day we chat, walk in the garden, hold hands and have a laugh together. It is not perfect but 100% better for both of us when we were cooped up together 24/7, with only sleep deprived me to tend to his every need. The carers are brilliant with him, always bright, cheery and encouraging. Much easier to do when you are part of a team, go home at the end of your shift, have regular breaks, sick leave and holidays.

I am getting a bit fed up of well meaning people telling me that it must be awful for me and that I must not feel guilty (for putting him in a home). The fact is I only feel relief and no guilt whatsoever because I know that I have done what is best for him and with a lot of effort and hard work secured a safe, comfortable, local place for him, rather than waiting for the inevitable crisis when matters would have been out of my hands and he could have landed up anywhere that happened to have a space at the time.
Luckygirl please be assured that you and your DH will have many more precious moments together, once you are relieved of the pressures of 24/7 care and can spend relaxed, quality time together. Sending (((hugs)))

Thinking of you Luckygirl x

I am so very sorry for you Luckygirl - and for your dear husband too. As ever Maw has summed it up perfectly - you are not letting him down - you are ensuring he gets the very best care.

By going into care this will benefit both of you. Your husband will settle in, it may take a little time but he will. You will be rested and less stressed and I am sure after a little while you will both realise it was the right decision.

The staff in care homes know how to handle these difficult situations and with your help, and your daughters too, you will all work together to make his transition into care as stress free as possible.

Once he is settled and you are rested you will be able to enjoy your time together, free of the worry and awful turmoil you have been through for such a long time.

The time is right now for both of you to face the next phase of your life together for however long your husband has left. By making this difficult decision hopefully you will be able look back on his time in care as a happy one and not one of you feeling wrecked and worn out. You will continue to support him and he will be safe. Sending you kindest thoughts in your very difficult time.

Excellent suggestions MawB, and expressed so kindly.

A contentious thought, but kindly meant
Everybody is (rightly) saying that you need to protect your own health Luckygirl and that for your DH to go into residential care would be by far the best for you. Naturally because he is your DH you might be feeling you have somehow failed him. But try this point of view- if he had a serious “physical” illness which needed medical intervention, would you fight to keep him at home? No, you would do what was best for him. Now consider, maybe residential care would actually benefit your DH and actually be best for him - so instead of feeling you have let him down, you are actually planning continuing care which does not depend on the vagaries of a live in carer - and they seem to vary a bit in ability- and an exhausted wife . It can be more humiliating for a man to depend on his nearest and dearest for personal care thanks a health professional. The “accidents” and your home turned into something like a ward, the awareness, when he is lucid, of how grim things are.
So look at it as the better option for him and with luck you will be able to enjoy the time you have left together without this awful strain.
Just a suggestion.

Thinking of you, you will regain some strength & resolve once you have some respite. Best wishes

Firstly, apologies for the username. A gift from iPad.
Lucky girl, I’m so sorry that you’re having such a rough time.
It is understandable that you are so upset but please see your gp before you become ill. I’ve seen it happen. Please take care of you. You will be listen to and maybe given advice where you can get more assistance. Please don’t break, please don’t think you’re wasting their time. You need to be healthy both mentally and physically to cope with your awful load. Huge hug

Thinking of you Luckygirl - and feeling so sorry for you both living in this nightmare situation.

You have done everything you can, so very hard for you but it seems the moment has come. Thinking of you both.

Heartbreaking right now for you Luckygirl
Sending my very best wishes to you at this time.

Maw what a poignant sentence.

So sorry luckygirl in my thoughts and prayers x

I can only imagine the intense emotions when a long marriage reaches this point, but you have been so brave for so long and now it's time to let someone else take over his care and for you to take good care of yourself. Let the tears flow and know that you are making the best decision for both of you. xx

So sorry Lucky sometimes you just have to let your feelings out, have a good cry then see what's to be done. I agree with others who say you will have more relaxed quality time with your husband in residential care. You will also have a peaceful home to retreat to.
These decisions are never easy, you have my sympathy.

I am so sorry to read this Luckygirl. What an awfully sad situation for you, especially as your dear OH has lucid moments and wants to treasure them with you.

It is heartbreaking. It must hurt so much. I do feel for you all at such a very sad stage in your relationship. Do cry those tears and seek support from your family. This is an awful time for your OH, but so, so hard for you too. Sending loving thoughts your way.

Sending kindest thoughts

Luckygirl a very sad situation no wonder you are weepy.

I think you also have to admit that you have reached the crossroads and your head must now choose the right path.

Your DH would have 24 hour care and you would get some much needed rest.

Your husband will enjoy cheerful visits from yourself, family and friends.

Nothing useful I can add, but try not to be hard on yourself, as you are doing your very best.

So sorry, just hope that everything goes ok, and am sure you are making the right decision.

Sometimes the most difficult decision is the right one lucky, so many sensible thoughts here. It does feel time for the professionals to provide the care and for you to go back to being a wife, sending love to you both.

So sorry that you are all going through such an awful time. My brother went into care a few months ago. My sister in law felt so guilty but he took to it very well. That upset her too as she thought she hadn’t done enough for him at home. There are so many raw emotions going around, do take care.

everything will be all right in the end, if it's not all right, it's not the end

I seem to remember that from a film, wasn’t it the manager in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?

Lucky don’t forget how well OH coped with Respite , and don’t beat yourself up about it , you need some care for yourself . I hope you find a lovely place where you can visit and spend time with him , not worn out and fed up but enjoy whatever time you both have left

Do it for both of you. You can then give him the very best of yourself without feeling worn out, distracted and on the verge of depression.
You've done it all and can do no more.
Be kind to yourself before you break your own health.
???☘

Wise words from annsixty, and she really does understand how hard it is.

Oh Lucky I am so very sad to see you have come to this impossible place in your life. for you, and sending big (((hugs))) to help you out of your weepy heap xx