Such a bad day - just a weepy heap

Perhaps time to consider downsizing perhaps?

Oh Lucky- just came back from our holiday- and did realise this thread was about you and your OH.

We have just been through this with my older brother - who has been looking after his wife for 2 years at home. After several hospital stays, followed by several stays in various care homes- she begged him every time to take her home- and he never had the heart to say he just couldn't any more. In the end- it became impossible, and it is in fact the medical staff who took him aside and said 'enough, the time has come'. It was hard for him- but now they have got into a rhythm- he first went to see her every day, but now allows himself a couple of days a week to go and see us, or visit friends or go on a train trip (he is a train fanatic), or .... And like others on here, realises now he should have done this much earlier. He no longer feels guilty and is at peace.

Now you have found a great care home, with availibility, just go for it- DO NOT FEEL GUILTY, please, don't. What purpose does guilt serve. Courage xxx

It does sound as if this opportunity has come along at the right time for you both, Luckygirl.
I can imagine the lovely views and can think of so many more dismal places. This sounds ideal and I hope that your DH would feel settled and secure if you do find him a place there.

Good luck

Luckygirl such a sad situation for you. I have tears in my eyes reading this.
I think if you spoke to your GP, who will have the interests of both of you, he or she would say you cannot go on like this.
The new care home sounds a wonderful opportunity.
Can Social Services help with financing the cost perhaps by deferring payment until your house is sold in the future?
All best wishes at this difficult time xx

Luckygirl, I can offer no practical advice or help but send you (((hugs))). You know you're doing the right thing for both of you and the new nursing home sounds like a gift from the gods so grasp it with both hands.

The timing sounds heaven sent Luckygirl - grasp this with both hands, sadly things are not going to improve and this sounds perfect.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Late to this thread but having read it all I have to agree that you are making the right decision Lucky. You will be more relaxed when you visit DH if you don't have to do all the personal care.
Take the offered help and arrange the home.

Luckygirl it sounds lovely! I do hope it works out.

I can only thank you all for your wise and kind posts, which have helped dredge me out of yesterday's doldrums.

I am absolutely of the same mind that hopefully we could spend better time together when I can relax in the knowledge that his care is being covered and I do not need to have this constantly on my mind.

One of the reasons that this has come up now, apart from his marked deterioration, is that a new nursing home has just been built in our local city - it has been so well-designed with everything that could possibly be needed and lovely views across the city to the Malvern Hills. The seating areas are small - a little library, a little snug etc. on each wing with no big lounges with people parked round the edge. There is a bar, and a cinema screen, and a lovely garden to walk in. And there are terraces with tall glass screens round where people can sit and enjoy the view, protected from the wind. It really does have everything.

As it is new there are vacancies, which won't be the case after a while as it fills up - so we have been presented with a golden opportunity that is unlikely to be repeated. We could choose a good room for him with a view - as he has views here and would miss that.

The finances are of course a big fly in the ointment, but I am looking into this in detail - it will entail raising some money from somewhere for a top-up, but I have an offer from a close relative to be an interest-free bank to cover this, so I do not have to take equity release and pay interest to a bank - the return for him will be when I die.

So - I will try and sort some of this out today without I hope the negative emotion that paralysed me yesterday, and for which you have all been a wonderful source of help. I am so grateful.

There are so many of us following your story and caring about what happens to you and your DH.

I remember visiting my uncle in a care home and him saying that the lady sitting opposite was visitied daily by her husband who could no longer cope with her at home. He arrived in the morning to help with her breakfast and spent time with her, and came back later in the day. They were very close.

If your DH needs the nursing home then you are still caring for him by letting him go there. You can spend as much time with him as you want and still help with some of his care. Taking the pressure off both of you may well bring you closer together and give you tranquility. x

Maw and Granny23 sum it up beautifully. What a lovely and loving husband you have who understands how hard things have become for you. Huge hugs.

Nothing to add to the many kind and very wise words here, lucky thinking of you x

How hard to have to make this inevitable decision but such good advice from those who have already travelled this road. Thinking of you and hoping it is possible to find somewhere you and OH like.

I have only just read this.
I have nothing to add except to say, my heart goes out to you.

Lucky, so much love and support pouring in for you from us all out here.

Wonderful posts from Maw and Granny23.
We are all behind you Lucky [hugs]

Brilliant - and touching- post Granny23 I think this was what I was trying to say.
to you both

Wishing you strength for whatever today brings.

Thinking of you lucky

Lovely posts maw and g23.

So sorry

Nothing to add to all the lovely words here but I'm thinking of you, Luckygirl at this awful time.

I don't think you could feel any worse if you allowed him to go to the rest home you've previously looked at near your home.
You could be with him as long as you wish but come home and grieve in privacy.
Isn't it time you thought of yourself and looked after your own welfare before you are pushed intil total collapse by a misplaced sense of duty and loyaly?

I won't go into details but I was pushed into a breakdown by my (and his) reluctance to try an alternative and in the end wished I'd grasped the nettle earlier.

MawB you have made some excellent points.

Sometimes soldiering on thinking you are doing the right thing for your loved ones is not the best thing for either of you.