Laziness

That's fantastic!!! (about his results)

Feelingmyage

The head of his new school called me in to a meeting to personally congratulate him on his outstanding sats results, so its not all bad.

The head didn't even know about our circumstances either (no surprise there, though that's a whole new thread, I think!)

Well after I stopped chuckling things out of windows, with my younger daughter I just refused to clean, unless it was tidy, and as she liked it clean, she made the effort, armed with a bin bag and a can of polish, she’d blitz her room

Of course your grandson may not respond in the same way, it sounds a horrible situation

Yes, things aren't easy for either of us, I'm sure, gonegirl.

Tough few years we've had.

That's why its so frustrating to be at loggerheads about something so daft as picking up his own stuff.

Faults not facts

That last post was in response to the last line of HannahLois' post.

misadventure Both you and your grandson have had such a hard time that you both have my sympathy - but sympathy does not help. I am not sure how long he has been living with you and both your lives have changed so much. Is there anything that you do that annoys him? This used to be one of my “trade offs” when dealing with my daughter. I have lots of annoying facts apparently so that worked for a while. My son was like your grandson but when I painted his bedroom and let him choose curtains at about this age, he chose cheap blinds, plain paint - unexpectedly - and suddenly began to take pride in his own space. Anything lying around in communal areas he ignored but I boxed it daily and put in his room where it was miraculously quickly tidied up. I allowed the children to do similar to me - all part of the deal. Sometimes it didn’t work but most of the time it did. Up till they were 16 then back to arguments but hey ho. Given all that you have both gone through, if he is going to school happily, doing his homework and is generally well behaved that is major success for both of you. you deserve a medal ???

Some might need the love to be a little less tough.

It must be a bit hard on an 11 year old to live in a flat with just Granny, even though Granny is obviously very loving and does her best for him. I think give him a bit of leeway because of that.

I have no idea where that attitude came from, and its what I find the hardest to deal with out of it all.

It really REALLY pushes my buttons (but I suspect that's the intention)

" It's your job!" I'm gobsmacked Miss A.
Where on earth did he pick up that attitude?
I'd be really tough Im afraid. No pocket money, no computer time, no going out and tell him these are privileges that have to be earned.
Be tough, be persistent. Don't shout, that's just exhausting but don't give an inch.
Good luck.
By the way, knowing they're all the same doesn't help. They all need tough love.

He doesn't have to sort out clean from dirty, Emily.
He came in and dumped a pile of stuff on the table.
I asked him what it was and why it was there and he said it was needing to be washed.
I simply told him that in that case it needed to go in the washing bin.

He put it in; I sorted out a wash load and found that some of it hadn't even been worn.

Of course I have a system - its not being adhered to, which is what is driving me to distraction!

So sorry to here of your problems. I send my sympathy. There is some good advice here and lots of experience.

You could try pointing out that he is making things difficult for other people and he is old enough to realise that this is not a good attitude to establish. Praise every time he helps, puts something somewhere sensible and whenever there is none of his 'mess', i. e. when things are good - not only when he has compensated for a misdemeanour.

Then, if there is no improvement, try negotiating by hiding something DGS values (Xbox, mobile, ….) and not returning it till he has tidied his things. Give him a hug and return his valuable.

Warn him first that this is the new and permanent regime and then stick to your guns. Do not give in even if he throws a tantrum, pleads and dissolves into tears or threatens to stop loving you. Whatever you do, don't let it get to a shouting match or you become too upset. Just walk away and say you'll talk when he calms down.

Only start this if you are going to stick to it. If you give in things will get worse. He will eventually thank you for being strong and you can point out that he will be a much pleasanter and more valued housemate so the atmosphere will be calmer and happier for everyone.

Good luck!

Oh, he has been told, in every way imaginable!

I've had the nice Nan chat "Look, we both have to live here, and if we just pick up after ourselves... blah blah..."
Nope!

I've run out of ways to punish, consequences, taking things away, leaving the mess, gritting my teeth and getting on with it, shouting, throwing away, removing privileges.

He is learning the joys of doing a hot white wash when he gets home today.

I do not understand why an 11 year old had to sort out clean from dirty clothes. surely you have a system for putting dirty clothes in a bin say in the bathroom and when you return clen clothes having laundered them do you not put then in the agreed place in his chest of drawers and his wardrobe. With all the stuff he needs and getting out every day with the right kit its clearly just too much for him at the moment. So when there is no problem explain the clothes cycle as it operates in your house. Explain how you deliver the clean clothes and how has to deliver the dirty clothes. Then tell him it is a partnership. then hi five him every time it works or give some other reward.

It is very common I’m afraid most do try it on, children these days have miles more than we ever did when we were young, of course it’s no excuse , it’s so much better to live where ,everything is set out nice, no sweet papers etc: clothes everywhere , I’m not keen on the it’s your job to do it attitude though, I would tell him you created the mess you clear it up

Never mind children- I am still trying to get my DH to put things in linen basket & tidy his side of the bedroom. I refuse to go into his study other than to water the poor plant on window sill. You can't see the floor sometimes!
They don't necessarily grow out of it.

My dds - particularly in the teen years, and esp. dd1 - were terrible for messy bedrooms. Clothes never hung up,or,put away - they used the 'floordrobe'. Dh used to say that if we ever moved again they'd have no wardrobes or chests of drawers, there was no,point.

I would very occasionally have a massive blitz but mostly just shut the door on it - except for perhaps occasionally checking for bowls of Ready Brek dried on like cement, etc. Just couldn't be bothered to nag over and over.

I was never the tidiest person in the world myself, but nothing like them. Mind you, I never had a quarter of the clothes, or general 'stuff'.

My only 'revenge' was when one or other, usually dd1, would be frantically searching for whatever she needed NOW in all the mess - 'Have you seen my X?' (Aka can you help me find it.)
To which I would sweetly answer, 'No, I expect it's up there somewhere.' And stay put with whatever I was doing.

Once, after she was at uni, during the holidays she decided she badly needed some notes for an essay, left behind in Nottingham. (We live in SW London.)

So dh, daft softie that he is, drove her all the way to Nott. and back, only for her to find that the notes were somewhere under the piles of cr*p in her room anyway!!

She's a lot better now - apparently very organised at work, not quite so much at home, but with 2 very little ones and working nearly full time, there is at least some excuse!

Read recently in the newspaper of the lady having the same problem and warned daughter if bedroom not tidied in 2 days the lot will be out in bin liners in the dust bin. The mother did just that and hey presto clean and tidy bedroom. You need to put your foot down. "But it your job to do it" what total nonsense at 11 he needs to have some sense of responsibility here, I can see his wife doing the same for him in so many years!

He might not be listening to you - but if he ends up at school one day without the right PE kit I guarantee he will be listening to his teachers. It only takes once or twice and he will get the message.

He is old enough at 11 to be responsible for his own "stuff" and if there are a few mistakes at the beginning they will be enough to encourage him to be more careful.

If his black socks aren't put in the wash by you, he won't have them. Consequences are his alone.

First of all, tell him that it is NOT your job to pick up after him and draw up a list of rules for him to follow about putting his clean clothes away and dirty clothes in the laundry bin , with punishments if he doesn't follow the rules.
For some reason, we seem to have a generation of children and young adults that either don't care or don't know about the consequences of their actions. IMO, it starts with things like this.
You could also point out to him that the time you spend clearing up after him means the less time that you have to take him out or do fun things with him and the cost of re washing clean clothes means you also have less money to take him out and buy him treats.
Whatever, stick to your guns ! He is at an age to turn round and say "I don't care" !

Margs my dh did have "servants"...he was an expat for many years before I knew him and his employer provided accommodation complete with a housekeeper.

It's the way he used to expect his drawers and wardrobe to magically refil themselves with clean clothes, but strangely the dirty linen basket never contained anything of his (the floor however was knee deep). He soon learned!!

I remember my son being told to tidy his room. He gathered up a pile of clean, ironed clothes and threw them in the laundry basket. That was the last straw for me. Many years later he is a decent husband and dad. He does his fair share of housework and child care. Now I smile when he despairs about his children's untidy rooms.

Oh, this needs sorting out NOW. Otherwise he'll try his lazy tricks with any future partners - and they'll blame you, not his 'I have servants to do all that' attitude.

Ma usually gets the blame, unfairly.