If this blooming carer....

If she is there as a carer, can't you get out, go shopping, long walk or something. You need breaks.

I thought that was only for the bedroom!

How about that old stalwart the headache!

Indeed.

I wonder if there is anyone out there on Gransnet who has a actually worked as a live-in carer. I might pursue that - it would be good to get the other side of the coin.

She is not at all professional. I have been a care manager for many years
Way to personalised of her.

Bradford - mad! Moi?

GabriellaG54 - you are right - it is as if someone has turned a switch! I am unable to find the Off switch!

I thought you said she was quite reticent and only came out of her room to see to your husband, in fact I know you wrote that she was most uncommunicative.
Can this be the same person?

I've often had the impression you were quite mad anyway Luckygirl but hold on to what's left of your sangfroid until Saturday.

Rufus2's idea was a pretty good one. During all your attempts to find a carer via your agency, no one ever suggested that. It might be better for our OH too.

I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have no real privacy in your own home. You describe a circumstance which may well be ours in time, and your acceptance of it is amazing. Not sure I will behave as well. I think of you often and do hope the new career is something of a kindred spirit as well as a really skilled and sympathetic career.

Sometimes there are meetups for au pairs. I know this is a completely different set up but maybe if the carer had friends and a social life it might help all concerned?

Indeed jura - it has confused me too!!!

It is hard to describe what sort of relationship I would like with the new carer - and it is worth me giving that serious thought - before Saturday!

We do not live in a mansion, so the carer is very much on top of us, and we on top of her. We have only the one spare bedroom, and that is where she sleeps, and I share the bathroom with her. We also have only one reception room - a long lounge/diner, so if the carer wants to be somewhere other than her bedroom (which is an entirely reasonable want) this is the only space other than the garden.

It is a strange situation to be in and one that seems to vary depending on the personality of the carer. She is a stranger in my house; and I am as stranger to her.

I think there is a need to strike some sort of balance between being friendly and being businesslike; and this is not something I have previously had to do in my own home.

It is an anomalous situation as usually a live-in carer is in the house with just the client; and if there is a couple, then she is carer to them both. It is hard for the carer to adapt to that. Normally they would be "in control" of the house routines like cooking etc. in their role as carer, but with me here it is not possible for that to be the situation - she has to fit round me and how I do things.

Things have gone OK with all 3 carers in their own different ways - some easier than others. And I recognise that it is not easy for the carer. I cannot ignore the carer when they come into the room, even if I am busy with something else.

One ting that none of the carers has grasped easily is that when I am watching the proms it is not as background music!!!

"the poor girl" is an employee. I'm sorry but I feel in the interested of self preservation ,Lucky has to be firm from the outset. The employee has a nice room, pay, access to the facilities.

It is not down to Lucky to care for her and listen to tales about bodily functions.

Regarding the race issue, it's a very very tricky one.

riverwalk I have no doubt that luckygirl is a very kind and welcoming person but she has a lot on her plate. When you are at your wits end coping with your own life and all it’s problems then it is not surprising that you don’t have anything left to give to anyone else. Having said all that, I think luckygirl is someone who (in less stressful times) has a good sense of humour and I read in her OP a bit of jokey exasperation not unkindness or thoughtlessness.

.... you have enough to cope with, without being welcoming and kind. I'm sure you are a fair employer and the person has a nice , clean room. Anything else, really is their business.

I'd hate to be in your employ Less

The next poor girl is likely to be verbally racially abused, the least Lucky can do to mitigate that should it happen is to be welcoming and kind.

As she’s going in two days why worry just let’s her shot gun away and say yes and no and sorry I ve got to do so and so now and leave her talking to herself it takes two to make a conversation and one to end it
Good luck with the new Carer who I hope is neither the silent nor the constant drivel talker

am on hols and have not been following on GN - but the last time you said the carer was driving you mad because she was NOT talking? so am confused.

Can you describe what sort of relationship you would like with the new person?

I have been quite offhand with her when she has been relating her woes - I thought I had done quite well for a former social worker - not that it has sat easily with me, but I could see that I needed a bit of headspace of my own.

But, short of turning my hearing aids off, it is hard not to hear!

Don't shoulder her or any other carer's problems Lucky your life is complicated enough without dealing with their worries. Sounds harsh but with new carers keep a bit of distance between you, don't empathise, you are the employer not the therapist.
Hope Mr Lucky had a good birthday .

Not your business.

The problem is that she started with barely saying a word; and has now migrated to a non-stop chatter - an anxious slightly frenetic chatter, where sentences are not finished, short phrases are left hanging in the air, and most of the time it is hard to know what exactly she is wanting to say.

I am sure it is because she is facing a huge change in her life and everything is uncertain for her. She has neither job nor home to go to when she leaves here. She is going to a youth hostel for as many days as she can, then.....who knows what or where?

It must be very unsettling for her but it is doing my head in!!!!

I'm sorry to be so blunt Lucky, but God knows you have enough to cope with, without being welcoming and kind. I'm sure you are a fair employer and the person has a nice , clean room. Anything else, really is their business.

She is going on Saturday!
Luckygirl; Can I suggest getting a gentleman carer? I'm sure he would be more empathetic to your problems and give you other things to think about other than feminine ailments?

Thanks - it is a tricky balance between being welcoming and kind, and keeping some space for myself.

Good point about boundaries and residential "staff" for want of a better word.
She sounds as if she is trying to be friendly and has gone from one extreme to the other.
Grit your teeth and besr this in mind when the new carer comes.
Also bear in mind that your nerves are probably stretched to breaking point and familiarity can so easily breed contempt.
Good luck with the next one!