How soon did you see your grandchild and where?

FlyingSolo I have tried to reply to your PM but it won't send. Don't want you to think I am ignoring you!

Flyingsolo

Point taken, but I honestly don’t think Facebook is helpful. Nobody paints an accurate picture, it’s all air brushed, you think you’re seeing a perfect happy family, and feeling excluded, that may not be the case at all.

Sara65, but if I hadn't looked at facebook I wouldn't even know the baby had been born apart from the fact she would now be 10 months pregnant!

I'm just going to say here that my main concern is my own son, his health, his welfare and his happiness.

I was att the birth with her daddy. All 3 if us . I feel sorry for families not so close. Im v lucky

Sara65, I agree, FlyingSolo is feeling hurt and I am so sorry for her for that. But I think it's a case of mismatched expectations on her part. I know that is hard to hear and I don't mean it to cause further harm.

But, she didn't have much of a relationship with the couple, sporadic contact with her son at best once the relationship began so this is actually consistence in her relationship recently with them (and him).

They haven't changed the rules on her, they had a baby and kept contact with her the same.

I understand she expected and wanted to be included more, but I don't think it's fair to say they are doing it on purpose. They have their hands full and are just continuing status quo with her at the moment.

Luckily, we we've said, she has plenty of time to build a relationship. Although I do caution her to move slowly and keep it positive. Or else she runs the risk of them feeling like she's only interested to get to the baby.

Which will end badly.

But, she seems very reasonable and is just taking the temperature of the room. She's already said she's not as hurt by the facebook announcement. That's great progress.

I hope the board advices her not to push. Her son will reach out when he's ready- I'm sure he's overwhelmed and focus on his new family.

GoodMama

I agree there is plenty of time to build bridges, and I very much hope that they do, I also agree that it’s their child, and they must do as they see best.

But clearly, if they are not actually intending to be hurtful, they’re still doing a pretty good job of it, or else Flyingsolo wouldn’t be here looking for opinions

Sara65 There is no evidence the baby is being used to hurt anyone.

“This time” is not for FlyingSolo, it’s for her son and his partner. She is not entitled to visits with the new baby.

I understand that doesn’t take her hurt away, but there’s no need to make her feel worse.

Should we try and help her see the bigger picture and have perspective?

It seems being kind to her is the way to go. All is not lost for her. Plenty of time to build bridges and mend any broken fences.

Patience, time and kindness.

Oh, I apologize. I misread your previous post when you said you weren’t close with the couple, but yes, I see where you said you were close with your son before his relationship began.

I do think it’s fairly normal for a son to devote a lot of time to his partner. And unfortunately sometimes that time comes from previous time spent with his mother.

Assuming you never said a negative word about his partner, it’s natural for you to feel the sting of his shift in focus.

Then they had a baby after not knowing each other very long, that adds more complications.

I’m sorry you are hurt.

Everyone is finding new footing in their new roles.

Just give them time. Support your son when he reaches out.

Another sad tale of a baby being used to cause hurt and upset.

For one thing, do not look at Facebook, I live in blissful ignorance, I know with one daughter and her in-laws, there would be things I’d prefer not to see, so I don’t look.

I saw all of my grandchildren within a couple of days of being born, but only when invited to do so, I truly feel sad for you Flyingsolo, you can never have this time again, but hopefully you will get to build a relationship, wishing you well.

GoodMama, my son and I were very close until he met this girl just over a year ago.

You’re right, they do grow up. But (in my opinion) only get more fun! Try and focus on building a long term relationship with them.

Since you are not close it might take time, but be patient, move at their pace and don’t lose hope.

I admit I am sad but I am not too bad, would probably feel worse though if it wasn't still summer and we was nearer to christmas.

GoodMama, I wish things were that simple. I posted just to see if people thought that part of the situation could be considered normal. I am concerned but more at peace than I was. Babies don't stay babies though. You can't pause time.

FlyingSolo, I know it’s very hard. But please try not to compare your experience with that of others.

Every family and relationship is different and i fear you are hurting yourself further by comparing to others.

Like another poster said, only you know they relationship you have with your son and his girlfriend. The baby is still very new.

Please be patient with them and yourself. The good news it’s babies dont spoil so you have plenty of time to build a relationship with the new family.

Please don’t let this time determine the future of your relationship with them.

Give them time, be patient. Offer your congratulations and happiness to them.

Wait for your son to reach out to you. Go slow and steady.

You can’t expect a different relationship with them over night just because they had a baby.

Notanan2, I have been told she's recovering well, she's obviously driving again if capable of bringing the baby to the train station and plenty of other people have met the baby now.

If she had a C section she may still be in and out if hospital herself at this point so not up to having visitors she doesnt really know.

I was at my granddaughter's birth so watched her come into the world and it was so emotional and special.

I can't imagine how hurt you must feel. I really can't get my head around situations like this. Only you will know the full nature of the relationship you have with your son but I really wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut ?

I saw my DGD a few hours after she was born.

I’m so sorry.

DDil had her mother present at both births. We were contacted when she went into labour and when she was admitted to hospital we set off on the 4 hour journey to their home. We saw both babies within 24 hours.

We always stay with DDiL's mother when we visit so we were no burden on the new parents. We went home after 2 or 3 days. and didn't see either child for another couple of months, although we got plenty of photos.

I wonder how old I was when my grandparents first saw me. One of my grandma's had over 20 grandchildren in the end. But being told properly about the birth of a baby is so special. I remember all these years later exactly where I was when my dad told me my brother had been born and I was only a little girl. You don't forget these things. I don't remember meeting him though although I think I remember my dad buying flowers to take when we went to the hospital. Never mind, I am not feeling as hurt as I first did when I saw the facebook post.

I've seen all 4 of mine either in the day off birth or the day after. Two for my son and his wife and two for eldest daughter and husband.

Very sorry that you've not had the best experience. That's awful to find out via Fb so long after.

I hope you manage to catch a glimpse soon. Its such a shame that what should be a time off great happiness is playing out this way.

I'm so sorry for your situation, FlyingSolo. Both my DD2 and DS and their partners warned us they wanted to have a few bonding days before they had visitors when they had their first babies. Luckily for us they completely changed their minds once the babies were born and we saw them both the same day. Five weeks is a long, long time. And finding out about the birth on Facebook is just awful, very unkind imho. I really hope things improve for you.

FlyingSolo, you must be so hurt. I couldn't bear to be in your situation.

I think all families are different and it's different when it's not your daughter.
I was at the hospital when my DIL had her C section at my son's request, as her own parents couldn't be bothered to be there, despite being asked and told it was a "touch and go" situation.
My son just just needed moral support. .

We saw our DGD the following day in hospital, as my daughter in law had been too unwell to have visitors after delivery. We would never have forced ourselves on them, but it was my son and DIL's wish that we came to see the new baby as soon as was practical.

I spent a lot of time after the birth, helping my DIL, as she was still very unwell and unable to look after the wee one.
Once again her own parents couldn't be bothered, despite living ten just minutes away.

I too realise how lucky I am, my other children are also very much involved in our wee granddaughter's life.
My friends are in a similar position with their grandchildren. Naivelly I may have taken it for granted that all families are like this.

However, I suspect that if my other son has a child, I will hardly ever see the baby. My future DIL is a very forceful person, who demands that my son spends most of his time with her and her extended family. That's his choice and I have to accept that.
They are probably more fun than us anyway.!

FlyingSolo I hope your situation improves.

Some people prefer just to post the birth announcement on Facebook because it's easier for them than phoning everyone personally.

Some new mothers aren't comfortable entertaining company when they're tired, sore, bleeding, and trying to start breastfeeding - especially because we now recommend breastfeeding on demand, rather than on a schedule, and some babies need to be fed every hour. (Seriously. This is called "cluster feeding" and is normal in a newborn; it does not mean the mother isn't producing enough.) They want time to bond with their new baby and have some time to adjust to being new parents. Keep in mind, too, that many parents have limited maternity and parental leave, so they may want to rest and enjoy the limited time they have to spend with their baby before they return to work.

Really, there should be no expectations from the GPs about when they "should" be notified and when they "should" meet the baby. It's whenever the parents are ready.