How soon did you see your grandchild and where?

I count my blessing in saying that I was present at all my DDs births actually delivering DGS4 when the nurse left the room for 5 minutes,fantastic experience that I have never forgotten.
With both of my DILs they just wanted their OH with them,one came home to us as they where living with us at the time but I kept my distance for a day or two until she felt confident handling the little one and set up her breastfeeding,the other DIL made it clear she wanted an appointment system for GPs with her mum & dad and their new partners having the first 2 days after she came home,its understandable for girls to want their mums close by and its fine by me.I see this little one every week and she is a joy,my DDs children are grown up youngest is 16 they keep in touch a few times a week more often if they are short of funds
Try and see if you can talk to your son and tell him how much you would like to see the baby they are probably still on cloud 9 after all the excitement and he doesn't realise how you are feeling sons can be funny things when it comes to things that can hurt their mums they think we are available as and when they want us.

The train station thing really isn’t that big a deal to me. I just wanted to know if people found that and the Facebook thing normal behaviour for this generation of new parents.

I agree the train station meet up is unusual.

Maybe the mother was on her way out and was convenient for her? Who knows what else she had to do.

Did you let them know it was not convenient for you as you are nervous before travelling? Tried to arrange a different time?

Do you and your son and partner have the same concept of "seeing the gc"?
Maybe it means a quick 5 min talk while baby is sleeping.
Maybe it means a cup of tea and a 3 hour visit while you hold your gc

Be flexible and adjust. The newborn phase is hard and parents are on auto pilot.

H1954, sorry, what do you mean by a MIL manipulating the situation?

I'd communicate in a non blaming way (just forgive them!) that you are desperate to see the wee darling and have gifts for him. So, could you please let me see him this week...too much time has passed. And see what happens. If you can't go to the girl's house, maybe they could come to you, or you could meet in a nice cafe

Bellsandwhistles, Oh no, you haven’t offended me. I genuinely wanted to know people’s views on this part of the situation when I first posted this. I was actually impressed you hadn’t made any assumption and wondered if you had possibly picked up on the fact that I am frightened to meet the baby.

I guess I'm lucky and count my blessing every day. I actually helped deliver my first GC, looked after the first whilst the second came into the world and took GD to see her baby brother later in the day. Saw GC 3 and 4 within a few hours too. Myself and the other grandparents have full access and share childcare if and when needed.

However, I do feel for those GParents who have to battle to see GC and the though of a MIL manipulating the situation would horrify me.

A little of both.
The fact that you rebuffed the chance to meet your grandchild made it come across as uninterested, but I wasn’t sure if that was just careful wording on your part, or just offended that you weren’t asked to visit in what you consider a “normal” way.
I wasn’t trying to be offensive, I’m sorry if it came across otherwise.

Well, I was extremely fortunate to watch my only grandchild enter the world. It was the most wonderful feeling to see my own daughter giving birth to her baby girl, and I’m eternally grateful to her for wanting me to be present.

I feel very sad for your situation, flyingsolo, your heart must be breaking.

We were at the hospital waiting for the first one's arrival, she was very premature and we saw her in NICU within a couple of hours. Number 2 was born in the late evening and we met him the next day.
We're very lucky to be involved with both kids and see them often.
I hope your situation improves FlyingSolo

We were lucky enough to see DGD when she was about a couple of weeks old - but she had arrived slightly early, I was working then, and we live 5000 miles apart. It was easier when DGS was born, because then DH & I were retired and were staying with the family (at their request) to offer support. (Perhaps I should mention this is DS's family - our only child.)

Okay. The trainstation was odd. We could overanalyse it forever

Draw a line.

If it was a snub, pretend you didnt notice and stay friendly
If it wasnt a snub and was a weird "baby brain" sleep deprived logic thing, offer them another chance.

Maybe send a little new mum & dad "survival pack": bath soak, coffee & chocs, with a little note saying you would love to see baby whenever they are up to having visitors (pretend you havent seen facebook)

Although you've never been invited to their home do you know their address? Could you perhaps send a text (or even a message via FB) saying you would love to meet the baby and could you arrange a mutually suitable day and time? It sounds like it could go on indefinitely if you don't set something up.

Are you in the U.K.? Just with your mention of 'paying the bill' I wondered if you're abroad somewhere.

I saw both my granddaughters the same day they were born but had to wait 2 years to meet my first grandson as he was born in NZ - his brother was just 6 weeks old when we flew over there.

All families are different and I can remember saying I didn't want visitors when my first baby was born and we went home but that was ten days later back then ?

Catching up on this thread, it seems possible, as others have said, that your not meeting them at the train station, implied a lack of interest. Why that time and place was suggested, we don’t know. It could be as you think , to make it very difficult for you, or it may have been a sudden impulse of your sons, for you to meet his child before you went away.

Have you dropped around a little gift yet? If not, perhaps you could pop something in the post, with a little note, saying you hope all is well, and they’ll always be welcome if they’d like to pop around any time.

In the meantime, keep off Facebook

They also knew it wouldn't be good timing as I get anxious making long journeys like that.

Hithere, I more think they picked that time deliberately so they could say they offered. How can the only possible convenient time be the exact time that would mean I would miss my train with that little notice I am just finishing off getting ready to set off to the station and showing the baby to me at the station could hardly be classed as a visit surely? They already knew for a while I had bought the tickets and was booked on that train.

What is normal - it depends on each couple.
Some couples love to have plenty of visits, others privacy for weeks, there is no standard.

Newer generations tend to protect and prioritize family time to bond with newborn instead of introducing baby to family and having everybody visit to see the child.

Even if the mother is recovering well, it does not mean she is fully healed from birth.
Also, "recovering well" is a polite answer sometimes given to protect the privacy and medical information of mother and baby.

"I’m betting that, in their minds, they’ve offered you a chance to meet baby and you declined. It will be a while before they offer again. Odd or not, it was an option, and you rebuffed it."
I agree.
They did offer you a visit with the baby - despite not being what you had expected.
By saying no to it, it may be a while for another invite to be extended.

Re: Facebook- it is used as a method of communication for multiple parties, one post and all your target audience is informed.
Less personal? Yes. More effective? Yes.
However, when you have a newborn, all your time and priorities are centered around the baby, not to do what is expected of you in a social setting

The rule of thumb is that your relationship with the parents pre baby defines the relationship post baby - number and lenght of visits may be the same or reduced, where to meet, etc.

Be patient. You will get to see your gc

BellsandWhistles, that's interesting. You said "if that's what you want". Can I ask if I have said something that caused you to phrase it that way or if its just that you prefer not to make assumptions?

I’m not sure there is a “normal” anymore with new children. Women and men today have the chance to truly do things as they want, not how “it’s always been done”. Lucky them!

I hope you get to meet your grandchild soon, if that’s what you want

I am starting to get the impression that if your son has a baby some people (maybe including the son?) think you are being granted a favour when they let you meet the baby rather than it being equal and him also wanting his parents to meet his baby. Is that how it is? I had just imagined it was generally speaking an equal thing .

Let the dust settle and ask again

If you ask they might say no
If you dont ask... you wont see baby anyway so nothing to lose by asking in a few weeks time

Joyfulnana, honestly, they don't want me to visit. No idea why but it has been made clear.

Summerlove, I'm not expecting anything from them. My son's happiness, health and well being is what is most important to me, that and his ability to be a fully functioning decent young man. That is all.

Agnurse, your situation would be completely different.

And I don't think your comparision about children wanting what other children have is relevant to this. I think I have been very reasonable. I simply asked whether this part of the situation was normal. I don't recall telling you what I want apart from your views on whether this is normal. And I have also said my son's happiness, health and well being is what is most important to me.

I meant what are you expecting from your son and his family. What is your ideal? What’s acceptable. Are there ways to go about getting to that stage?

Have you invited them to yours?

I’m betting that, in their minds, they’ve offered you a chance to meet baby and you declined. It will be a while before they offer again. Odd or not, it was an option, and you rebuffed it.