Making New Friends

I'm another saddo without any real friends. Lots of acquaintances and a nice neighbour, but not really friends as I would understand the term.
Recently a woman who I did consider my friend (lived about 14 miles away ) moved to another area and told me via email that she was moving on the 6th August. I knew she was moving anyway, not the date, so I immediately emailed back that we could maybe meet up at a favourite pub she likes for a farewell meal. I did not even get a reply. So much for friendship. I knew her for many years. She still has a husband, I don't. My opinion is, Are there really women to women friendships? Kids have true friends at school but later...?

Strange this post has come up, just as I was thinking about 3 friends I used to work with. It always seemed to be me who arranged meet ups and because I haven't for many reasons they haven't been in touch with me. I know the time rushes by quickly so I'm going to wait and see if any of them make contact.

Only skimmed this thread but the funny thing is, I’ve not been on gransnet long, but a few times I’ve noticed gillybob’s comments and laughed, so very surprised to hear you say you don’t have friends... you sound very nice as does the OP.

I agree with what Monica said about journalists writing and showing off about their vast networks of friends, and some people cultivate groups of friends who they don’t particularly like, they’re just terrified of keeping their own company.

Hi CyclingSenior,

You makes loads of sense, I live in a rural area but have found doing things you enjoy, taking classes etc you can make new friends not all of them are going to besties but you never know unless you try. If people are sniffy about the a person sounds or looks without getting to know them then they wouldn’t be people I would want to mix with but so many people aren’t like that.

I also have no friends , I have lived abroad and moved around . So called friends made then are only kept in contact by phone , now and then . I now live in the country with very few neighbours . The neighbours who live in the same lane , I may see in passing three times a year . We buy each other Christmas present and are there for one another if help is needed . I wouldn't class them as real friends who you can open your heart too . I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything , I have my family and that's the main thing . Maybe join a club and meet new people , you just don't know what may happen , until you try it .

I had two close best friends and unbelievably they both died late 40s early 50s completely unrelated illnesses.

Wanting to try to meet new people as a result I joined an over 50s ladies group on Meet Up.com - I made one quite good friend there but my children are still teenagers so I have a lot to do at home and don't go to the groups now. My friend still does - in fact she's out every day; it wouldn't suit me but I know its there if I need it, if that makes sense.
Cons - friendships therein can often be superficial - Pros -no one is left out or alone.

I do find that as I get older I am not so enabling so I have willingly let a few people go in the past 2 or 3 years; I could have sacrificed some self respect and held on to them but decided against it. I also found that people around me are moving away to retire so although still friends its harder to keep it going. What with this and frankly people dying, my circle is getting very small. I am thinking that in future I will go back to Meetup.com or similar, cross that bridge when I have time.

I used to have what I thought was a fairly big circle of friends in my teens/early 20s until I got married and moved overseas!
The rot started before then, tbh - my husband was involved in a motorsport that none of my friends at that time were interested in, so we drifted apart - several had married (one to one of my ex boyfriends!) so had their own lives. When I returned to the UK, any attempt to regain the friendship was met with a blank wall.
Since then, several people have passed through my life - it was hard being the only divorcee amongst my social group, people went from either over friendly (usually when they wanted me to look after their children/help with their catering business) to being treated as if I was after their husband(I definitely wasn't) I hated being the odd one out that arrived and went home on their own.
This village has quite a transient population - people only stay on average for 5 years, and those that I grew up with have mainly moved away due to the high cost in housing.
I then got a full time job, where you were expected to live the company 24 hours a day,7 days a week. So friends were those that you worked with and friends outside work had to be fitted around leaving home at 7am and returning at 7pm and also working on Saturdays! I was made redundant from there so really have lost contact with most of my work mates.
Luckily, I like my own company! If I can't find someone that wants to go to a concert with me, I go on my own - and have found how kind strangers can be - I was looked after by a group of younger women I sat next to at one concert, to the point of being escorted to my hotel after even though they had to then run to catch their last train! I also have been on short breaks on my own that I really enjoyed.
I must admit though it would be nice to have a shopping day or meet up for coffee (and of course cake) like I used to - the two friends I used to do this with,one now lives in Wales, the other in Turkey! My family live about half an hour away but have barely come to my house since my father died 8 years ago despite being invited !

There have been several threads like this since I joined GN and they help me feel OK about not having any friends. I also used to feel it was an embarrassing secret that I had no friends.
I was walking with my family and my 4 year-old grandson asked who is your best friend grandma? I couldn't speak but my DH answered you are grandma's best friend.
Sad but true

This is a really interesting thread, not least because the OP has really engaged with others' comments.

I was talking about this only yesterday with my Tuesday morning Nordic Walkers group. We all pretty much agreed we didn't have a close friend living nearby. BUT, we do have the walking group, who always had coffee after or mid-walk and some of us are also in the local book group. We also have a Christmas and midsummer lunch together so there is lots of chat about family. We all know the names of our partners, children and grandchildren and about each other's health issues! Perhaps cycling would be a way for the OP to make new friends? (It's a closed book to me so not sure if this is a viable suggestion). I find these groups fulfil my need for all-female get-togethers. Otherwise there is family and my closest women friends, who all share the same profession. We meet in real life and also contact each other on Facebook and WhatsApp.

Seven of us, who used to work together many years ago, meet up for lunch about every six weeks. They are all very good friends and we can discuss anything.

Another friend, who I worked with about forty years ago, is still a good friend and we meet up about once a month for lunch.

One of my daughters still meets up with old school friends, makes new friends easily and has an extremely active social life.

I have to say that when people describe themselves as being “assertive” or “speaking their mind” I back off as it often translates as someone who is rude and mean! The people I spent most of my time with are pleasant wusses! Do you have someone who will honestly tell you how you come across? In terms of activities if you can sing a note even join a choir. Something about singing in a group which is conducive to forging good friendships I have found.

I feel for you l have no friends, family yes but since l retired not even work colleagues. It can be so boring can’t it. I joined a leisure centre to have somewhere to go.

Hi there,
Having recently left a life in France to be here in the UK for my only Grandson, I do miss the friends etc we made there. I genuinely have no regrets but it was easy, either single or in a couple to come together. Coming back I have thrown myself into our family and looking after our young one. However, I recognise I need more. I’m still a member of the French book club but it isn’t the same or as much fun as attending the group.
I do think having things in common is the key, shared hobbies etc gives lots to talk about. Just turning up for a cuppa can be fairly superficial, talking about the weather etc. Just a thought. Good luck.

Like Gillybob I too have no friends. Not a one. Happy with my family as my social circle and I love spending time alone when I can doing just what I want when I want. Been hurt in the past by those I thought were good mates but dropped by them without a word of explanation. Had no card or good will messages from workmates when I was made redundant after 13 years. No explanation from them either. I have decided its easier to forget them and move on. I treasure my husband, children and siblings and grandchildren and consider myself lucky to be a part of a wonderful family.

Have a good cycle CyclingSenior. I hope you do find some interests that provides a new circle of friends. I need to do this, but lack the energy at the moment. I really miss my teaching colleagues, we were such a close crowd.

I've been widowed for three years now, and at the age of 62, have realised I only have lots of acquaintances, no true friends. I do have my two best friends in London, 350 miles away, we've managed to maintain our friendship over the twenty years I've been up here. When the beast from the east came last March, they both rang me - none of my local 'acquaintances'. It made me realise how isolated I am. I am selling my house and hope to move to a new area and have a fresh start. When we moved here I was eager to make new friends, but was targeted by a lot of odd people who soon disappointed - one example being my 6 year old son going to play at a local farm with a school friend - and the Dad left them alone while he went shopping in the local town twenty minutes away. He'd locked them in the house, my son rang me, terrified. Ended that friendship quickly! I've sadly lost a few marvellous people to cancer, who I miss.

Enjoy exploring new territory. I miss going to evening class which I found really stimulating, I just can't afford to pay for them nowadays.

I know the feeling only too well! I live with my husband and used to have a lovely social life when I lived in wales and was working.
Now I live in Bretagne. People we meet are often invited around for BBQ's and evening meals and a good time is had by all. Goodbyes are friendly with lots of "see you soon" "come to us next time's" but then ....... zilch!
I enjoy genealogy. I made contact with a 5th cousin last year who would send me photographs of areas where I used to live, grave stones and where my family lived etc along with chatty messages. In February I invited him and his wife to come stay for a holiday over Easter this year and said if they wanted to fly rather than drive over, I'd willingly pick them up at the airport and chauffeur them around. I still don't know what i did wrong as since I sent that message, I have had no contact whatsoever.. I'm just destined not to have friends I suppose. Yes, it does hurt and I know how you feel.

I would suggest, start off with something small and have minimal expectations.

Oh if only I would take my own advice!

You say you are 'surrounded by family and husband' and are in a job with quite a bit of responsibility. Clearly with other interests as well - as well as the energy to cycle. Count your blessings, CyclingSenior. If you're too assertive for your 'friends', that may be their loss rather than yours

I have only one good friend irl and tbh that's probably enough ritht now. I have a few aquaintences I enjoy seeing once in a blue moon and some online friends I enjoy chatting with. I just don't find that many people I genuinely gel with to the extent I prefer their company to my own. This is probably partly down to being mainly housebound due to illness so I meet very few people to start with so the chances of meeting ones I really like are few.
But I have come to realise that the pressure to have lots of friends and feel popular is often unrealistic and if I meet a new friend tomorrow that would be wonderful, but if I don't that's ok too.

I'm off out on our (husband too) cycle ? with the good vibes that I'm probably much more normal than I thought so thats got to be a good thing. ?

I think it gets harder, I also think this thread shows, that there are lots of lovely friendly people out there, I guess sometimes we need to be a bit bolder and make the first move

I think the contents of this thread actually illustrate very clearly that this much-vaunted ideal of having a bosom buddy or a circle of close friends is simply not the norm. It would seem that most of us have friends whom we meet through the things we do; and I see no problem with that.

It is about expectations - if you expect too much you will always be disappointed.

Morning, I'm so grateful for all your thoughts and suggestions. I do need to push myself to join clubs and reading through the posts brings that home. Im very lucky to have a lovely family.
I know the changes needed are of my own making but to be able to bare my honest feelings about this is probably what I should have done some time ago.

Gillybob - I hope the thread has been helpful for you too. We need to keep reminding ourselves about our strengths. I should perhaps challenge myself to feedback to the thread after three months with any groups I've joined. Can I ask if you've got any plans?

I count everyone on Gransnet as a friend, I really do and don’t know where I would be without you all keeping me company all day .....even you GabriellaG

I suppose what I should’ve said is that I don’t have any “real life” friends.

The friend I made only 9 years ago was at work when I started a new job, I am now almost 66 and retired, she is 7 years younger and still works. We connected straight away, and have had such good times together. She moved 100 miles away almost 2 years ago, but we still keep in touch and I have stayed over at hers and she has at mine. We last saw each other in May, but keep in touch via WhatsApp and phone calls. I do miss our regular meet ups though.

I do have a friend who lives nearby, who I have known since the age of 18, but there isn't that closeness there any longer. So the only other friend I have is my DP. I do go to U3A and Walking for Health walks, and I chat to lots of people, but no real friends, but a few acquaintances.

I have to agree with other posters that you would make a lovely friend gillybob as you seem such a kind and caring person.