Beginning to resent my daughter

So sorry for errors.
nade made
fir for
stuffvwhi h stuff which
anyine anyone
coukd could

I was typing with left hand and eating at same time.

The thing is that you, in trying to help initially, have nade a rod for your own back.
Try going out for a meal with your husband and leave enough food in the fridge fir her to make her and her son's meals that evening.
Not a ready meal or anything pre-prepared, just stuffvwhi h anyine coukd make a cooked meal from.
Don't give her warning. Tell her about an hour before you go out and don't listen to objections. She's 40 fgs and you doing everything is the same as a mother feeding and clothing a drug addict so they can continue their habit. You are, inadvertently perhaps, feeding her depression and societal failings by giving her nothing to do.
You can either continue in this vein and resent her or get your life back.
What does your husband say about it?

Thanks for to all who took the time to reply. Will make some plans for small steps forward.

It is very difficult, Operalover, isn't it? You can't just abandon her to sink or swim in case she sinks, but it is frustrating that she lets you do all the swimming and towing her through the water!

Perhaps you could get her to do more in the house, though. That wouldn't entail being socially brave, and it could give her a bit more confidence in her ability to be responsible for a small part of her (and the family's) needs. In the long run that could pave the way for more.

Elegran Thanks for your reply

As a former mental health professional i have ensured my daughter has the help available and she has had lots of it over the years. She does volunteer but if any social outings are arranged she just gives up and doesn't go back.
She also takes medication and this may well be life long.
I would like to be free of the responsibility for her and my Grandson so we could peruse separate lives and a better relationship. What I feel now is trapped by her willingness just to relinquish responsibility for herself and to some extent her son.

if she's depressed she needs professional help ,so guide her towards that.She might ne able to get her life back once she has dealt with the things she s scared to face .Depression is a horrible thing so try not to be too harsh with her but be firm about her seeking help

I'd say she could do with a wake-up call to leave her cosy child-like dependency on you both and do something for herself. Fourteen years is a long time to give up responsibility for her own life while she recovered from her unsuccessful relationship and the results of it. In another five years her son could be studying in another town, and unless she makes other interests for herself she will be bereft.

It might take support (and persistence) to get her moved on, but when that succeeds you will all be able to live more independently and thus get on better together. Try not to make it full of criticism but as support for her to take back her life, but you may need to be firm in insisting that she take some kind of steps on her own behalf, painful though she may find them.

Is she getting treatment for the depression and social anxiety, and is she herself working at anything to improve it? Maybe she needs encouragement to pester return to the GP about it. She could ask for a referral to someone who will "retrain" her confidence and independence.

Does she volunteer at anything? That is an introduction to the routine of work, and will give her references for future employment. Does she have any hobbies which she could develop at an evening class or join a group that meets for a "knit and natter" type session ? That could provide chats and possible starts to friendships. Are there any lunch clubs or similar in your area?

Give her some specific responsibilities in the home. Tell her you are finding it quite tiring to do everything in the house, while she does almost nothing, and give her a choice of a couple of things from a short list that she could take on all the work of - maybe the bed-changing and laundry, or the shopping and checking that the staples in the store-cupboard are always topped up (you could keep a shopping-list on a notice-board that you added to yourself when you thought of things, if she is not good at knowing what is needed) or cooking meals a few times a week and clearing up afterwards.

As it is, you and she are in danger of falling out because you see too much of one another. You are feeling aggrieved because she is acting like a small child again, and she feels (and acts) like a small dependent child because she is not in charge of anything. That is not healthy for either of you.

You clearly think a lot of your grandschild, but at the end of the day, he is her child and she is his mother. There is a danger of him regarding you as that mother unless you can help your daughter grow up. That would not be good for any of you in the long run.

I would take it in stages. First discuss the fact that she does not contribute enough either financially or in terms of help around the house. Be firm that this has to change and you are not able to continue as before. Set out exactly what you want from her and then you both can agree the details. Hopefully she will become less dependent on you and you can take the next steps to her moving on. It's difficult but you need to stop enabling this dependence on you.

Hello, what do you want to happen, that seems to be the question, not whether others can offer you clarity.
It's clear your daughter is dependent on you and your husband to support her and her son. You've done this, if I understand your post correctly, for 13 years since her relationship broke down and her child was born. Any attempt to set her up independently has failed
What do you want to happen - think ideally, then think realistically what do you want and what is possible.