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Confused! Family & Estrangement

(59 Posts)
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Tansy Sun 23-Jun-19 14:12:00

I don't understand why you're upset with your Mum. She divorced him and all his problems years ago. I don't see why it should be her responsibility to pass news on about him to you.

And if you're upset with your Mum, why not your sister too, or your Dad, or your auntie? They all knew beforehand and they're all related to him.

I feel it's unfair to blame your Mum.

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Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 14:06:13

She had contacted me through messenger on facebook

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GabriellaG54 Sun 23-Jun-19 14:03:16

After 21 years, how did your Auntie know your mobile number?

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janeainsworth Sun 23-Jun-19 13:49:43

Jcxx I don’t know why your dad would have messaged your sister and not you.
But in your position, I would say to Auntie that if your Dad wants to contact you, he must contact you himself. That is the least he could do.
But you need to think about how you would feel if he does contact you. Would it resolve anything for you, or would it merely inflame old wounds?
Don’t think about him. Protect yourself. flowers

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Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 13:17:33

I thought that but my aunt only contacted me after his surgery, after he was out of ICU, A week and a half after surgery. My Dad who is also estranged from my sister had text me sister and told her before hand.

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Grammaretto Sun 23-Jun-19 13:10:22

How hurtful and shocking for you.
I am so sorry.
I can sort of see how it's happened. Auntie thinks he could be dying and wants to see you but going on about making peace etc sounds as if she is suffering and would like some support.
I think once things are settled a bit and your nerves revive,, you could write to her and possibly to him too, and explain that it's too late for reconciliation now. He has left it too late but that you wish him no ill will,
That's how I see it.

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Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 13:04:59

My aunt contacted me through messenger on Facebook. I don't understand what her motives are. Also the messages have now stopped but I'm left feeling like this

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luluaugust Sun 23-Jun-19 12:58:52

Goodness what a tangled web!. I wonder if your mum was trying to protect you from something she knew you wouldn't want to be involved with after decades of no contact. How on earth did your aunt get your phone number? and what were her motives for calling you, you could be right about trying to pass responsibility to you. If you had only recently lost contact it might be different but why not stop replying to messages if you want to.

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Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 12:39:20

On Wednesday my Mam was visiting us, we had a meal then I noticed a message on my phone. It was from my auntie who I haven't seen in 21 years asking if I knew that my Dad had had major surgery. My Dad is estranged and has not bothered for years. I was absolutely gobsmacked not only because of the message I had just got but because my Mam knew all about it & had known for over a week and has not said a thing. She says she doesn't have or want anything to do with him and they were divorced years ago.
I had to get away from my Mam as I couldn't believe it, I couldn't speak or anything, she was then in denial trying to turn and put things on me.
I just don't understand any of it!!
I then after some time messaged my auntie back. Saying that I didn't know and hope he is ok etc etc. The messages from her went on and on. Basically her trying to get me to go and see him and explaining all the in depth surgery and even offering to pay my trainfare. It came across as though she wanted me there to be there to stay with him cos she didn't want to. Trying to put me on a guilt trip. I said to her that I haven't heard or seen anything from him for years. He hasn't let me know anything about this surgery at all either. She said I need to put things right because he wants to and I explained that there isn't anything to put right. That he never has been interested in me or my kids for a long time and became estranged. I felt I had to keep repeating what I said over and over as she asking the same thing even though I had answered her. Then the things she was saying that apparently he had told her to text where lies and I've heard it all before. She kept messaging and phoning and I tried to ignore it but in the end I started getting pissed off and I just said sorry but it's all aload of bollocks. Then she changed her tune and started to say your dad could have died and you clearly don't want to put things right he does. He has admitted he should have done more and is now trying to make it right. I said I always did 99% then I stopped. Then she said if I don't want to make the effort that's up to me but he does. I said he is no part of our life and that was his choice years ago. My auntie then tried to make out I was stupid and naive then she said at least I can't say he hasn't bothered..the cheek!! I ended up telling her to give it a rest and that she has no clue she wrote I find you very disrespectful and I said I just keep it real.
I have been the last person to know about this last surgery. My Mam has kept things from me but still visited me and me her. Then all this from me dad and aunties side. My head is mashed!!
My dad being estranged is one thing then him having surgery is another my auntie has put the two things together.
I don't understand any of them my Mam?? And My dad, auntie?? Does anyone else.. All honesty appreciated thanks

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