Confused! Family & Estrangement

I suspect it will put your mind a little more at ease if you do just see him just for a little while, don’t make a secret of it or let others turn it into a big deal.

I agree with agnurse a sick jerk is still a jerk.
Well said.
And now he only lives 5 miles away.

Be careful opening that can of worms.
He made a choice. He should live with it.

I feel sorry for your mum if you bit her head off.

Who lives 5 miles away?? Bit her head off?? Did you even read my story

Sorry Jcxx it was sharon103’s ex who lived 5 miles away.
I read all the posts then that must’ve stuck in my head.

You did seem annoyed with your mum though (and I wasn’t the only poster to pick up on it).

Good luck anyway, whatever you decide to do.

gonegirl, neither do young people. Anyone could pass at any moment. That’s why people of all ages should reach out to those they want to be in touch with.

I wasn’t aware that I could only call or text people older than me first. My phone is obviously broken

gonegirl

Summerlove is quite correct. No one is guaranteed a set amount of time.

If OP's father has chosen not to be part of her life, then he doesn't have a right to expect that he will become a part of her life just because he had a health scare.

Urmstrongran: There was nothing to pick up on. I clearly explained that I was shocked and upset

jcxx I’m sorry, it wasn’t clear, I’m still very confused why you are mad at your mother

I was with my Mam when I received the message from my Auntie about my Dad. That's when I then found out she also new. As I see her and spend time with her for her too hold information, I just don't understand. I would never do that to my children

Jcxx Here's my 2 cents worth.

It sounds as if this elderly guy, who hasn't cared about anyone but himself for 21 years, now wants someone to take care of him - and you're the next on on the list after auntie and Mam, neither of whom, quite justifiably wants anything to do with him.

There may be shared DNA but this man isn't your father and has chosen not to be your father until he's in dire straights.

If I were in your shoes I would not be swayed by sob stories from him or anyone else.
Mam has the right idea, he's the past and hasn't earned your respect, your care or your attention.

He's just a selfish, narcissistic old man and they never change. He's absolutely NOT your responsibility. Don't be sucked in.

I can understand how you feel so angry and upset that you have been left out of the loop. Then your aunt pressurising you to contact your dad. This is all very raw and things will calm down. Don't make contact if you feel it would have a negative impact, going by your past experience. Sometimes it is better to let things go. After all your aunt had not felt the need to get in touch for over two decades. I suspect that you are right and she wants you to share the responsibility. Perhaps talk things through with your mum, an honest and open conversation may clear the air.

BradfordLass has just written exactly what I would say.
If you were not needed or wanted in the last 20+ years but now you are, smacks of needing a carer.

Ok, so you were angry your aunt told you, and angry your mother didn’t tell you.

I say this kindly, but it might be time to look into a therapist to help you sort out your justifiably mixed up emotions.

I wish you luck

Any port in a storm...

No atheist in a foxhole etc
This is just a strategy, tactics, he wants to draw you in because he needs you now but when you needed him he didn't want to know
It's all about his needs, in his mind you are there to serve them

Summerlove: I have asked for people's opinions. After reading what you have to say please stop. You have repeated yourself over and over with nonsense. Just because I've asked for opinions does not in anyway mean I need a therapist.

That sounds like my ex. He estranged himself from our daughter by his behaviour. I know nothing about his situation, nor do I want to. Our son may be in touch with him.
My sister-in-law has nearly always tried to see the best in he brother, but he has behaved badly to her too, so she too has given up.
If I did know something, I might tell my daughter, but I am pretty certain she would do nothing about it. She has more sense.

Summerlove your post of Sun 23-Jun-19 23:33:42. Why so sarcastic?

Sorry but I cannot see how Summerlove was being sarcastic.?

Just shows how easy for words to be interrupted or misinterpreted especially when we don’t know each other & we don’t have visual clues .

I wouldn’t blame your mum here. She, I assume, hasn’t had contact with this man who up and left her to raise two children alone in decades. I’d probably also ignore it. She’s not a messenger. Anyone who wanted to speak to you directly first was free to do so. She doesn’t have to put herself through whatever happened again after all this time.

Any decision you make has to be your own.
But personally i agree with Pp. he was a jerk 20 years ago when he left you. He didn’t care about you or your life but now he needs something suddenly he’s released his flying monkeys on you.

Everything you are and have today was achieved without him. What positives would he bring to your life?
What can he give? How can he make up for what he has already done?

Some people don’t have many years left on the clock. And that’s not always a bad thing.

Bridget: I did not say summerlove was being sarcastic. Summerlove said it to me !

Ohhps sorry I did not think you were being sarcastic Jcxx

Sorry I got mixed up with posts

I asked questions because I genuinely didn’t understand why you were angry with your mother.

I suggested therapy, not as a punishment or because you are lacking, But because it would be hard to hear that somebody who is supposed to love you and who had abandoned you who is now reaching out via other people to get you to be his care of her. There would be killed with that for most people, and I was thinking a therapist could help you sort it out. You said yourself that your head was mashed. I was not trying to be unkind.

I was however a little sarcastic with gonegirl and her suggestion that young people Should be the ones reaching out to older people because they might die soon, and not vice versa. I find that a ridiculous statement.