Looking for some advice on situation with my DD

The comment about high expectations bothers me the most. Back in the sixties my younger brother, who was planning to go to 6th form college, decided to leave school after the summer and got a job. My parents were very upset but I explained to them that as long as he didn't get a girl pregnant, he could go to college when he was older, if he wanted to. AS it turned out, he didn't go to college but the job worked out and he became a director of the company after a few years.

The son of a longstanding friend went to an excellent grammar school and thence to Cambridge where he had a breakdown. Both parents were successfully involved in the arts but despite her son being artistic, my friend considered that field to be precarious. Now, in his early thirties and after several traumatic years, he is happily studying art at one of the major London colleges.

I've found that many of my friends want their children to exceed their parents in terms of employment, or wealth etc etc. Since most of them are reasonable well off, have lovely homes and have had good jobs, I can only imagine that they hope their children will become CEO of a major corporation or similar.

I don't have children (never on my radar) but I know many who are now grown up and with their own families and I've always got on with them. Because I don't have the emotional involvement I can be objective about the child/parent relationship and have sometimes passed the odd comment. I've never had my head bitten off and have often been thanked.

I think I was lucky that my DD didn't have too terrible teenage years but I would say try and keep the lines of communication open. All my DC knew the could tell me anything and I wouldn't 'go off on one'! If she knows she can come and talk to you about anything then she will come to you if she needs to

I've spent some time reading all these comments and replies. Firstly, a big thank you to all of you who've shared your experiences with me. I needed a bit of kindness this weekend and hearing some common sense and reassuring stories has really helped me. There's a lot I need to take on, mostly about stepping back "emotionally", picking up more of my own life and giving DD more space whilst still somehow being loving and involved. Hmmm. I'm going to be referring back to this thread for quite some time to come I think. What ultimately has lifted my spirits is everyone who's posted has said it passes. Just as I remember colic, potty training, toddler tantrums etc. Thank you all. What a great forum. When the time comes to graduate from MN to GN, I think I'll enjoy it!

Small comfort now, but, when she is in her 40s with pre-teen children herself, she will amaze you by telling you how you got it right.Hang on in there. It will be worth it.

The thing to remember, though, is that it could take a bit longer than eg potty training!
I'm sure she will come out of the tunnel as a lovely young woman

The other thing to remember is - she may be horrendous at home but is probably delightful when she visits friends' homes and chats with their parents. People used to tell me how lovely my teenage children were and I used to say 'Really'?

I also used to teach "Parenting Teenagers" classes and the major thing most people took home was that teenagers want to see that something is FAIR.
They need to be sure that when you say there are consequences that they are fair and appropriate. If it gets tough, ask her what would be an appropriate consequence of doing "x" and they're usually pretty tough on themselves.
Never create a consequence that you know you won't deliver on "you'll never see x again" or "I won't take you on holiday" or "I'll throw your computer away".

Try to stay calm. Always listen to her. Tell her you will consider things within a reasonable time frame. Say, "ask me again in 2 weeks when I've done some research/spoken to x" or whatever. Make sure you DO the things you say you will.

My son recently reminded me about the time he said he'd come back "when he was ready" and not at the time we'd agreed earlier. I'd said, ok, that's your choice, but if you aren't back and I haven't had a phone call to explain where you are, then I will come out in the car and drive around your "hang out" places and your friends homes till I find you because I need to know you are safe. Obviously he knew I would have done this (excruciatingly embarrassing) so he was back on time. He now says this was "tough but fair".

If you always do what you say then they see that you are both trustworthy and not open to manipulation.

Always let her know that you still love her even if you don't like x or y.
Finally, respect her new need for privacy.

Don't fight any unnecessary battles. It will save you and her SO much stress!

You will be fine. Love yourself a bit more. Find things you enjoy that don't revolve around her. BREATHE a little. Enjoy the good days.
... and celebrate the young woman she is becoming.
Good luck!

Oh, and even those of us who KNOW what we should be doing, STILL get it wrong.

Don't be afraid to apologise! I did plenty of that too!

Oh, I do wish you well! They get abducted by aliens at that age, don't they. The aliens do bring them back, though.
Something I found useful was Agnus Castus. I bought it from a herbal shop and it worked wonders. Good luck! x

They all go upstairs one night as little angels and come down the next morning raging with hormones and just raging. They try your patience, tell you they hate you and insist their friends get away with murder. Your job is to stay calm, ignore the silliness, make suggestions , watch and wait. Eventually they, mostly, turn out fine. I agree that you need to find other interests apart from your daughter. It's amazing how much a little ' loving neglect ' makes them realise that they still love you and like being with you. Mine would ignore me if I made a sensible suggestion but were often giving it a lot of thought. Quite often I was right but I let them know that it was great that they had come to the decision by themselves. The menopause doesn't have to be awful either, I was not badly affected by it. In fact I think I got off lightly! Don't think to far ahead, it really is one day at a time.

It's a matter of the degree to which it's wise to continue to cosset her. I'd say recreational drugs and unprotected sex are forbiddable.

Her moral development is probably beyond your house and home and even her school and your family friends and relations. She now looks to the much wider world for her information and experience. Try her with some moral philosophy for primary schools as an interesting and impersonal topic of conversation.
www.theschoolrun.com/philosophy-in-primary-school-how-thinking-skills-will-benefit-your-child

The teenage years are full of highs and lows. We helped three boys move through the tumultuous time. Know that you will make some mistakes but you will also have successes. Don’t be too hard on yourself; you love your child and are trying to do what’s best. When challenged by her ask yourself if it’s a “mountain you’re willing to die on.” Don’t sweat the small stuff. Keep her busy with constructive activities she likes. Being a teenager is hard, but she will get through it and so will you!

You plug away, parents supporting each other. All 3 of you will come out the other side

Your daughter's brain has turned to a kind of soup whilst it refashions itself into a young woman. It can be 'a long, dark, tunnel of adolescence' but she will definitely emerge. Right now she can only focus on herself, and is probably really frightened at the changes taking place. Try not to take everything personally, though I know it is hard.

I might disagree with others when they say you will get your little daughter back. You will get a young lady ready to make her way in the world, who will make you very proud, but I am afraid the little girl has gone, and it is only right that you should mourn this bit.

My children are all grown up with children of their own, and I am proud of all of them, but if I put on a video of them when they were all under 8 years old, I am in floods of tears, those little ones are no more.

Take care of you, don't hesitate to take HRT if it helps, find things to do outside the home that you enjoy. And feel free to come on here and rant every so often!

There are some sound books on parenting adolescents, and a lot of information out there about the teenage brain, the changes taking place between roughly 12 -30, how this can manifest in behaviour and how to work with together. I know it’s hard, but try not to personalise her behaviour. Attachment based parenting is worth a read. As to the menopause, the main thing is self awareness and self care. Yes, there are a lot of hormonal impacts which can last a long time and it’s a tough time. Again, a lot of good information is available but, like your daughter, think about diet and alcohol intake, exercise, sleep, a good social support network and activities you enjoy doing as a base line. The one thing which is constant in life is change, and your attitude towards it learning how to manage it as well you can will help you most of all. Go well.

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry for you! Went through the same with my daughter- she hit 13 and became absolutely foul! I too had the thought ‘“where has my daughter gone? Will I ever get her back?” But now, she is 27, married and has 2 children. I never imagined we would be here after all the stress she caused in her teens and early twenties. I think now that it was always going to come right but that is so hard to see when you’re going through it. Just try and hold on to the fact that she is highly likely to return to the fold once she has expended the energy she needs to expend. Kids eh?

We have a teenage GD who is perfectly fine when visiting us, gives hugs and talks nicely but apparently turns into a Tasmanian devil when she is at home.
I didn't rebel and shout as a teenager, no point I would have just got a slap, parents were not so PC in the 60s.

I had fairly laid-back parents and never had a smack but I can remember having a row with DM, going to leave home (goodness knows where I was going to) then slamming the front door so hard that a piece of glass fell out of the fanlight and smashed

What were you like yourself as a teenager, Camapse? Surely not perfect?

I think it may be worse for a grandparent to look on helplessly at battles between their own DC and DGC without taking sides. I'm not looking forward to that.

Campaspe, as usual there is some great advice for you on here. I would just add one comment about perceived laziness in teenagers as I have recently read an interesting book about sleep patterns and how our circadian rythms change as teenagers (Why We Sleep - Matthew Walker) Many teenagers want to stay up late and then struggle to get up in the morning. It seems this is not them being difficult or lazy, it is them responding to physical changes in their brains. In fact making them work outside of their natural rythyms is probably harmful and perpetuates the problem. I think that is worth bearing in mind.
My own daughter was very hard work as a teenager and so was I. I did my best to love and support her through it all though (with very little thanks at the time) and now our relationship is great.
Good luck and try to enjoy it. My memories of my teenage children are actually mostly fond ones.

Lots of useful posts but few relating to the only child issue. I was an "only" and my parents put a lot of effort to make sure I wasn't spoiled. However, it resulted in them trying hard to make sure I was "good". Having no siblings, no minor misdemeanor would go unnoticed. In bigger families, children get away with more, as the parents can't focus on all at once.

By the time I was a teenager, parents had me so well controlled that I didn't go through the typical adolescence described by so many here, but I'm not sure it was good for me in the long term, as it took a long time for me to develop self-confidence.

Campaspe - try to ignore some of your daughter's behaviour, remembering that it can be difficult to be the sole focus of your parents' attention

Enjoy. It gets worse. Much much worse.

Interesting point about the only child, Farmor
I was brought up more or less as an only child because the others were all older and had left home by the time I was 8 - however, my parents were quite 'laissez-faire' , perhaps they were worn out by that time!

I think that the best thing to do is to set certain rules (not too many because then it becomes pointless and a constant battleground), stick to them and keep to your word, don't threaten dire punishments that you know you will never carry out.
And relax
Teenagers can be lovely too.

LUCKYGIRL. ....I loved your post re
your daughters. What an amazing Mum you must have been.
I've not had children so have found all of your posts very interesting.
WELL DONE ALL OF YOU !!


PS...I'd have made a bad mother as I didn't mature until my
middle 30's ! LOL

I still have a letter from my 12-year-old daughter saying she hated me. I sometimes read it and laugh. Now she's in her 30s we are the best of friends. It does pass but is exhausting. Don't spend time worrying about where you went wrong. You didn't. It's normal.

Kevin becomes a teenager:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY