Looking for some advice on situation with my DD

I think I was lucky that my DD didn't have too terrible teenage years but I would say try and keep the lines of communication open. All my DC knew the could tell me anything and I wouldn't 'go off on one'! If she knows she can come and talk to you about anything then she will come to you if she needs to

The comment about high expectations bothers me the most. Back in the sixties my younger brother, who was planning to go to 6th form college, decided to leave school after the summer and got a job. My parents were very upset but I explained to them that as long as he didn't get a girl pregnant, he could go to college when he was older, if he wanted to. AS it turned out, he didn't go to college but the job worked out and he became a director of the company after a few years.

The son of a longstanding friend went to an excellent grammar school and thence to Cambridge where he had a breakdown. Both parents were successfully involved in the arts but despite her son being artistic, my friend considered that field to be precarious. Now, in his early thirties and after several traumatic years, he is happily studying art at one of the major London colleges.

I've found that many of my friends want their children to exceed their parents in terms of employment, or wealth etc etc. Since most of them are reasonable well off, have lovely homes and have had good jobs, I can only imagine that they hope their children will become CEO of a major corporation or similar.

I don't have children (never on my radar) but I know many who are now grown up and with their own families and I've always got on with them. Because I don't have the emotional involvement I can be objective about the child/parent relationship and have sometimes passed the odd comment. I've never had my head bitten off and have often been thanked.

Campaspe, what you are experiencing is normal and yes, it is a shock that a child can change so much. (We are always concerned that youngest grandaughter changes so quickly. The cute and loving little girl has become a bossy know-it-all at seven! She is still very loving though but much of her childish innocence has gone and yes, it seems sad.)

My youngest son was the hardest work during puberty. The others weren't too bad although we had door slamming and pouts/sulking from daughters. They are all different but unfortunately this is a time when they shut out parents to an extent. It is a shock. It is like losing them. Their lives are spent on daydreams and friends and as the teenage years progress it's boys/girls and make-up and friends and trips out that excite them. Parents become a nuisance and yes, they can shut you out.

I'd say go with it, but choose your battles. Ensure house rules are maintained, set reasonable boundaries and don't allow insolence or bad behaviour, but do not try to stop her growing up and finding out and gradually becoming a young adult. Her priorities won't be your priorities but for me, it was most important that we didn't have major rows. Try to talk when they seem receptive and show an interest in their lives outside the house but don't pry or lay down too many laws. They do emerge at the other end as nice people if you've sown the seeds young, but it can be a tough few years.

Good luck! (Get some vitamin tablets and Valium...)

Sorry, I haven't time to read through the entire thread and am just posting on the original post.

I find myself panicking about how DD will get a job if she doesn't pass exams, and if she'll ever mature a bit and take some responsibility

I had hell with my dd when she was twelve to thirteen and my own anxieties, like yours only different, fed into the mess. So try not to see things that way.

My dd had extreme PMT and period pains, then she had a week with a really bad headache. I took her to the doctor for her headache, but he was totally useless. So then, in my desperation, I took to a friend who is an acupuncturist. With one treatment, not only her headache went away but her PMT, etc. diminished considerably, as did her awful attitude. So if the hormones are really bad for either one of you, maybe a good acupuncturist could help.

My DD was lovely all through the hormones but my son was a nightmare teenager. His DF and I spent hours into the night talking about what would become of him. He nearly got himself thrown out of sixth form but we begged the head to keep him and he cobbled together some A levels, not having applied to university. After a year of odd jobs and living in his room he went out off to university and got a degree.

We stuck with him throughout and gradually the messages life delivers about reality sunk in. He seemed to work out that we were not the devil incarnate and became calmer.

At thirty he is a delightful, clever, polite, funny young man who works for s charity and involves himself in local politics.

Who knew. Just grit your teeth and stick with your DD. She will come through it.

Don’t worry, she’ll turn back into a human being again when she’s eighteen ??

I am an older mother ( had her at 41 am now 56 ) of an only child dd now almost 16 and doing her GCSEs. I think if you only have one you don’t have a previous point of reference.
About 2-3 years ago we were going through what you are going through and I was very disappointed as we had always been close.
However I kept the communication open and she is now mature, studying hard, keen to start college etc
She has benefitted from talking to pastoral staff at school about her feelings as sometimes they need another outlet.
I hope this helps

I have two daughters. E was quite bright, but didn’t see the point of learning things which would ‘be no use to her’. She wanted to have fun, and was always getting detentions for misbehaviour. She always worked, after leaving school, and did well. When she was married, and expecting her second child she completed a degree course, after deciding to get some qualifications, and now has an excellent job that she loves.
A was a difficult teenager. She left home at 17 to live with a man. Two years later she had split with him, had her own house, and was studying accountancy. She is now in a very responsible job at a university in Australia.
We don’t own our children, and can’t tell them how to live their lives. All we can do is make sure that you love them, and will be there for them no matter what path they take. It may not be what we want for them, but did you do exactly what your parents wanted you to do?
Give your daughter the chance to live without you breathing down her neck all the time, or she will rebel, and you may lose her.
Good luck

I was an only child,but thank goodness, I was loved and encouraged ,but not ‘cossetted’. That is a recipe for disaster. I know I was still difficult at 12/13 ,as was my younger daughter .She continued to pose problems emotionally and tragically took her own life,aged33 ,leaving a lovely husband and two very small daughters.
My elder daughter has had health problems since age 3 and was much less of a challenge during teenage years. She is now a nurse (ambition since age 3!) and married with two adopted children ,as unable to have her own.
I was very determined to have more than one child because I hated being an ‘only’ , but sadly my elder daughter is now left in that position. She and her sister were close and having each other as children , I’m sure was very positive. Life can be very cruel . Try to take the pressure off your daughter. Nothing is worse than pushy parents for alienating children . A family I know have lost communication with all three adult offspring for that very reason.

I have sent you a PM.

God was definitely a man. We have to cope with the menopause at a time when are kids are hormonal or leaving home PLUS we have to cope with aging parents and sometimes have to make difficult choices for them. Thankfully it passes and things get easier

My DGD is now 17 and we have just lived through those horrible hormonal years with her from when she was 12/13.This the only girl out of 4 older brothers so she was always watched over by her brothers and my DD,she changed dramatically when she went off to secondary school and started mixing with girls who had more freedom than she had,so for the following 3/4 yrs we had hell on earth with her and her antic's.
As soon as she finished her exams last year and enrolled in college she became a totally different girl,got herself a part time job after college and saved up for her driving lessons so there is light at the end of the tunnel OPs

To this day my 34 yr old daughter says she doesn't understand why we didn't disown her!! The turning point came when she had her first child. I was terrified that tge baby would be a soon discarded fad. It was the making of her. She is a wonderful mother and daughter now. I feel for you as it's so hard but you will come out of the other side. Xx

I gave my two teenage daughters quite a lot of freedom to chose what they did in their social life, how to dress etc. and recognised in a lot of their behaviours how I had behaved as a teenager ( following boy bands/actors obsessively!). However, I had been secretive about things as I had strict parents and couldn't discuss things because of my old fashioned upbringing, so I knew they would do things anyway regardless of any 'rules'.

I wouldn't accept any rude behaviour towards me at home though and always carried through with the consequences for any serious issues. They also had to earn their own money babysitting etc. if they wanted to spend on extras on top of pocket money. As we lived quite rurally, they needed me for lifts. So, I usually knew roughly where they going and whom they were with. They knew I would be willing to come out in the middle of the night to collect them anytime as I had warned them about never getting into a car where the driver had been drinking or had taken drugs but I wanted them to have a good time. You are only young once. My eldest told me straightaway the first time she had had sex ( 16) but I had guessed anyway and encouraged her to go on the pill. My younger was a bit more secretive but confided in her sister.

Both daughters have turned into hardworking sensible mothers themselves in their 30s, and we are still very close, and I still do the night lifts!! I think it's best to give them the freedom to make some mistakes but warn of the consequences. Luckily, we avoided the drugs and early pregnancies but there's been quite a lot of binge drinking! As a teetotaller myself, that was hard to watch but they were sensible enough to always go home in a group and not travel alone.

I know a teenager who went right off the rails even to the extent of self harming. They got brilliant O and A Levels and went to a top university

There is life after the teenager. years. My youngest daughter was horrendous. She hated school, wouldn't work at her education, I knew never knew where she was or who she was with. I used to cry because I'd tell her to be home be 10 and it would be 11 or later. No matter how I would plead with her she took absolutely no notice. At 16 she got a job as a waitress for a job agency, the job agency employed her in their HR department and has worked every since She's 36 now, divorced with 3 children but she's managed to get a 1st in Business Studies whilst working full time. Our relationship is great, out of my 3 daughters she is the one who phones me everyday to find out how I am. It may not help you at the moment but I just wanted to let you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
One thing I would say try not to criticise her to much and only tel her off for things which are really important to you.

Agree with most of what's already been said. As my mom always said' "It's just a phase" - just like the phase before and the phase that will follow. Welcome her friends into your house and then you will know who she is mixing with. Our place was like the local youth club! When she asks what time she has to be home, ask her what she thinks is reasonable. We were always amazed that ours set such early home times. Many a quiet chuckle we had at that one. By all means tell her you don't like her behaviour BUT always remind her that you love her whatever. As others have said you are her parent not a friend - that maybe comes later when she is an adult with kids of her own and will then understand . Hang on in there

Campaspe I hope you're reassured that what you and your daughter are going through is not unusual. My own daughters were chalk and cheese, but I had a few difficult years, in different ways, with both.

I actually used to teach parenting classes and would take my own advice of not paying too much attention to the small stuff (untidy rooms etc,) so that when I did put my foot down my daughters took notice.

Below are some links to resources that you may find helpful:
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/shop/parenting-resources/parenting-books/get-out-of-my-life
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/shop/parenting-resources/parenting-books/teenagers
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/parent-support/raisingteens

Could I also add that you need to look after yourself as well Campaspe, give yourself a few treats and if possible go out a bit. Maybe some time to yourself will help.

I have laughed at some of the replies here, it’s brought back memories of my own children as teenagers. My daughter was the only girl in the West Midlands who wasn’t allowed to have her ears pierced, who couldn’t wear high heels, who wasn’t allowed to go to all night parties, smoke cannabis etc etc. I sympathised with her and agreed she came from a wicked, deprived background but never mind she’d be able to leave home once she was 18. Somehow we survived and I long to see how she will parent her two daughters once they get to the teenage years! Good luck, the best news is, she’ll eventually get through it and emerge as a beautiful young woman.

Gill, yes good idea. They could do a bit of nude modeling as a side line.

Sorry, you won't get your little girl back. You will get a companion, a friend, an adult with her own ( sometimes challenging) way of doing things.

I heard a very sad father on the radio years ago saying that his beloved child had turned into a sullen stranger. That partly prepared me for the perfect storm of aggression, disdain, contempt and what seemed like wilful obstinacy in every direction from my own DD some years later. I remember sitting in the bath one night weeping after a truly terrible day; I am pretty stoic and good natured (I am told) but I was beginning to feel that I couldn't take much more. However - like everything else in life, it passed, and years later DD would start to rave about her own DD , then pause, and generally add ''Sorry, Mum!' as she recognised the monster behaviour of the teenage years. Hang on in there - one of the certainties of this life is that nothing stays the same forever.

I agree,you will get you ‘litle girl’ back,our daughter was a nightmare between 12 & 17 never spoke to her dad & use to come out of school & go straight to her bedroom.She’s 45 now & we can laugh about it,she is the most caring daughter anyone could want & adores her dad.When she was young we had the most terrible arguments & she would argue that black was white but we came through it.Think it’s all part of growing up .

GG54 are you honestly recommending sending teenagers off to be indentured farm labourers as a way of dealing with teenage adolescent problems?

My daughter and granddaughter went through the same ordeal mum menopausal and daughter going through puberty being an only child and cossetted by mum and myself maybe to compensate not having her dad in her life.They went through a few hard years together not getting on massive rows over virtually nothing both digging their heels in and not giving way to each other horrendous rows and lots and lots of tears ,but my granddaughter has now reached the grand old age of 18 and is abeautuful kind hearted soul at college with plans for uni and mum is so proud of her .All you can do is be patient and she will come back to you Good Luck