Not saying ‘no’ to children.

I fell into the same trap with one of my children, I used to say, would you like to brush your teeth? Get dressed? Tidy up? Until she politely started replying, No Thankyou!

I didn't really say no to my child, it was always "perhaps later", which was fine and she didn't ask again later regardless.
Until one day I asked her to tidy her room and she said "perhaps later". Rod.. Own back...
I'm a firm believer in whatever works for you and your child, it doesn't have to be an inherently negative word! Some children understand "no" and don't create a fuss, others may need redirection or more 'positive' ways of saying no.

Supernanny deals with quite naughty children who've had the run of their homes for a long time, does she not? I imagine "no" is the only language that may get through to the more unruly children on that show! She's good, mind, I do like that show.

Marmar wrote
IMHO this is not preparing the children for the 'real' world.
ie never saying 'no'.
I agree, on the other hand to say no to some request , then suggest the child thinks of some other way to get what it is they want does prepare them for the adult world.
Or even, with an older child, to reconsider, give reasons for their 'want' or 'need'.

Reading the fostering memoires it tends to be advised that you give a child two alternatives, both of which the carer can allow, and ask the child "would you like to x or y?" Child feels they've had a say and pride is maintained.

'No' is said firmly by me when the 1 year old we are caring for grabs my hair in her strong little hands to help her mountain climb up me

Hi Day 6

Just writing to say that I absolutely stand with you in re enforcing the word “No” to little children.
My view is that I see too many parents offering choices and negotiating and ultimately passing control to the child instead of the parent leading the child. Perhaps I’m out of touch with child rearing but it does seem to have become more child-centric from what I can determine.

Anyhow, just really want to say I admire your eloquent and point of view on this subject.

Rosie

So, Mamar2, do you think we ought to treat wee children as their boss in an office would to prepare them for the ‘ real world’?

And Graycat, as I said previously, I’m not saying always give them what they want, and I certainly wouldn’t feel the need to explain every instruction, simply to use a more positive answer when possible, rather than a flat ‘no’, that’s all. It was just somthing I thought might be interesting to think about and discuss.

As a former teacher, I've experienced the results of children being over-indulged and entitled. In a classroom situation, it is just not feasible to explain every instruction; children just need to do as they are asked if any learning is to take place. The ones who are brought up to question everything use up the learning time of others. That's not to say that there isn't a place for challenging and questioning the status quo; indeed often that should be what learning is about but on a day-to-day, minute-by-minute basis, children need to be able to accept the authority of adults.

I agree with Day6. Imagine working in an office & the person says he wants a break. The boss turns round & says you can have a break & a biscuit after you finish those last three reports. I don't think so.

IMHO this is not preparing the children for the 'real' world.

I agree with Franbern, I have taken my grandchildren to gymnastics clubs, and despair at some of the parenting I’ve seen, I don’t know how you can stand it!
Parents constantly interfere, withdrawing their children from bits they don’t like, asking if their children can do something different, because they’re not in the mood, for what the others are doing
I’ve done it with three of my grandchildren, but I’m retiring from it I’ve decided, can’t stand to do it with the next one!

It seems I didn’t word my post properly. Not for a minute did I suggest giving a child everything they ask for, or that not saying ‘no’ would turn them into wee horrors, who will expect everyone to dance to their tune! Of course they’ll learn that ‘no’ means no , but I simply meant that there are probably lots of times when “ Yes, but not just now” or “ Yes, we can do that another time” would be a better way of dealing with requests, as it would avoid use of negative language all the time.
Also, when I said a child would learn to ‘ trust’ an adult, I meant that they would learn that if you said they could do something later, they would be able to do it.

Grammaretto - I so agree with your sentiments about the current craze of parents asking their babies/toddlers/ver young children to make decisions. I personally think it is quite cruel.
When I ran a children gymnastic club with a large number of pre-school classes, I used to squirm when a parent would tell me that they would ask little 3-year old Johnny if he wanted to continue coming. Surely, small (and not so small) children want the adults to be in charge of their world and to make decisions for them!!!
3/4 year olds push the boundaries (and this is repeated again in the teen years), but this pushing is so they can determine where the boundaries are - and all ages really do need to know (and want to know) that those boundaries do exist.
Nothing wrong with saying 'No', as long as reason is then given - part of those boundaries.
Think too much modern parenting is trying to put old heads on young and very young shoulders.

A few "No"s are surely OK as long as you also have proper conversations with the child as well, exchanging ideas and making up stories and explaining things to them, all on their level. Then the proportion of "no" to everything else that is said will dwindle into insignificance.

Don't we all HAVE to experience the word 'No' on occasions in life and have to accept it?
No Entry, No Parking, No Right Turn etc. all feature in our lives frequently and we don't need the positive bit following surely?
(Said very tongue in cheek as I join you all already behind the sofa!)

Meh!

Far too much angst. My kids knew where they stood.,no meant no and used for a bloody good reason.,

Lots of yes too cuddles and love. It’s a balance and we don’t need to agonise.

In my view you can always tell the kids who havnt been told no.

They run riot.

I used to try to use the positive rather than the negative unless necessary, but by the time the youngest was a young teenager I did have to ask, on more than one occasion, which part of 'NO' she didn't understand.

I think toddlers understand No if it used sparingly and not routinely.

I agree, for their own sakes
I’d love to be saying yes, yes yes to every little request from my lovely grandchildren, yes, you can have what you like from the toy shop, yes you can have chocolate for lunch, of course you can stay up till midnight watching ‘Zog’ for the hundredth time!
But after a while, they wouldn’t like it any more than I would

I suggest that children should be familiar with the word before starting school and also the concept that can't always have/do what they want!

I agree with the positive reinforcement idea but there are times when 'no' is definitely needed. Children need boundaries and life will not always be a 'yes' situation.

One of my daughters is of the opinion that her children make their own choices about things, only do what they want to do and when
This gives them a very selfish attitude, by doing exactly what they want, they are often letting down or hurting other people
They’re lovely children, but I feel they should be a little more aware of their actions having consequences

As the frazzled parent of four children, close in age, I once realised that I was saying No far too often. I resolved to only say No when it was necessary.
One of my daughters has brought up her children (and the dog) without ever saying No. I admire her saintliness but neither kids nor dog are angelic!

I too agree Monica

'No' is used a lot in our house, but in response to our Siamese cats scaling the curtains, eating the flowers (and throwing up as a result) twanging the blinds guide wires with their teeth, jumping up and sliding down the entire length of a door with the claws out , I could go on. Try reasoning with a Siamese! (And they do have ample toys, floor to ceiling cat trees, scratching posts and a lot of attention!)

GC say I am the strictest in the family, but that I will never break a promise or a threat, and they send me wonderful loving messages I am sure I haven't deserved, so I must be doing something right!

There is a place for 'No'. However its to be used sparingly and when used is not open to negotiation. 'No' should mean 'No' and the sooner a child learns that the better.
The repeat 'No' problem is when parents have used it often but then been 'persuaded' to change. The child quickly learns that 'No' does not really mean no if they (a) sulk (b) moan (c) argue.....you get my drift.
There is no harm in a child learning the 'No' concept - life has a few non negotiable barriers to cope with. Some roads are too dangerous to cross, some jobs will not fall in your lap and some exams do have to be passed.
Yes, children need to learn that trying hard at life is a good thing but sometimes No just means No and if they have not learnt that lesson early in life then its very difficult to learn it at a later stage.

Quite agree MOnica. My three were always told no and it hasn't done them any harm.