Nobody to do nothing with

Oh bless you lovely ladies who have suggested ‘things to do or join’ for Maw but with respect, I don’t think you quite get it.

Maw is fine going out and doing stuff. I think she seems to lead a full and interesting life. I bet she isn’t feeling the need to ‘join’ anything or do volunteering.

I think (see my earlier post yesterday) it’s the sitting there on her own that gets to her. Companionable silence is a treasure which perhaps many of us don’t miss until it’s gone.

I was going to post similar to kittylester, as I remember my friend saying much the same thing when her husband died. She had many activities she went to without him, but found she really missed sharing the news when she came home.

I want to see Red Joan .... as she’s my favourite actor. Asked three friends but two are going with husbands, and the third didnt want to see it. I will go to see it on my own in next couple days or else I’d never do anything. I’ve no probs walking into a pub on my own so a cinema will hold no fears. Enjoy the film.

As a widowed man I read what you ladies write and it leaves me unable to understand. I suffer in the same way as each of you describe. Quite close to me are 2 or 3 ladies who are widowed. What little contact I get with them they make out they so much on, which I seriously doubt. We seldom get past hello and how are you before they scuttle off. I have known them as neighbours for many years so I guess it must be me. All I would like is a little company say out to lunch or to the cinema now and then. I would just like a friendship. Are they scared I am looking for another housekeeper, if so they have sure got it wrong.

Maw, I am divorced, on my own, and sometimes get bored. I have just sat down after an hour of hoovering my bedroom and hallway ; don't feel like like doing the other bedrooms because they are hardly used, also did a spot of ironing, put a load of washing in. Once the washing is done, I will put them on the horse and will go to Asda, for a spot of lunch and some shopping.
I get very tired these days and cooking for myself is such a chore.
You are missing your Paw. You have lovely memories to keep you going. I only have bad memories of my Ex.
But never mind, onwards and upwards. Good luck !!

Well, I find as I get older I don't want to do much. Too effing knackered much of the time.

I'm another one. Things like cinema or theatre on my own are fine. I won't go on holiday on my own, having tried it once. Spontaneous outings by car whether to shop or a day in the country are one thing I miss. I miss sharing jobs indoors so all the garden, cleaning, decorating, cooking when family come are down to me.
For those who suggest Meetup, they seem to be all young people but there are other social things to do, that's not what Maw means, it's the normal daily living on your own.

I suggest you join your local WI. I have had a wonderful social life since I joined meeting women of different ages and backgrounds. We have social evenings, have trips arranged to the theatre and films. lunches and coffee mornings. We have a reading group, knit and natter, walking and patchwork and quilting. These are held every month and I have met 2 friends there that I see socially out of WI too. Try it!!!

Thank you all, but not actually looking for “solutions “, more wondering who might have shared my feelings.
I should add there is also the element of “survivor guilt” DH was virtually housebound for 18 months or so before he died and unable to be left alone for more than an hour or two for a few years before he died. How I longed for the freedom to do my own thing! It is on my conscience that he had to die for me to have this freedom now ?

I used to feel the same as you but then I joined Rock Choir and I have made so many decent kind friends. My GP recommended it and I am so pleased she did. It is so uplifting and beneficial in so many ways. There is no audition or having to sing solo. Look on YouTube for Rock Choir and you will see what I mean. I love it as you may have gathered.

Book a holiday and go abroad , book a hotel , not an apartment or villa . People are less reserved on holiday , before you know if you will be chatting away and going for drinks with people in the evening . Also making new friends . If you find going abroad a bit much , you could always go on a coach holiday in England . Once people realise you are on your own , they will invite you to join in with them . If you realise these people are not for you , you don't have to see them again after the holiday . If you don't want too . What have got to lose , give it go , you might be pleasantly surprised .

We have a ladies community group which has lots of outings, I'm sure this still leaves items when you are on your own but it might help if you find something similar and who knows you might strike up a friendship with someone in the same boat. My girls don't live near, I am married but even I seem to have days when like you I don't have anyone immediately just to sit with or shop with etc. Funny old world sometimes, there's probably loads of people feel the same.

One of the best ways to make friends and have other interests is to look for your local U3A - they have monthly meetings where they have interst talks, and they have endless groups you could try - art, mah jong, ukelele, languages, bridge, book reading, play reading, writing groups mindfulness - each area U3A has different sets of groups and you can join as many as you like - the only money usually involved is the yearly fee which for my group is £15 - you van find the U3A on the internet and then from the web site your local group - hope this helps

Maw
I know how you feel as I have been on my own (divorced) for many years now. You obviously have a positive outlook which will help. I know it can be very daunting going to things on your own, but it can be worth it. I would suggest joining any clubs or societies in your area which are about things you are interested in, as this can help in making new friends. I have made new friends with other people in my position by doing this. As Grammaretto suggests, volunteering can also be a good way of meeting like minded people.
All the best.

Actually I did mean exactly that maxdecatt!
It is possible to find someone to do something with, most of the time, or go on my own, I am actually fine with that, but the spontaneous and the unplanned are another matter!
As is the quiet companionship when you both nod off after lunch, or watch University Challenge together and aim to be the first to get the right (sometimes) answer out! Or do the crossword together. Or just wander round a NT house and garden.
Someone who totally knows where you are coming from in matters relating to the family, someone with whom you may disagree but who understand why you feel how you do.
Didn’t understand “nobody to do nothing with” until it applied to me.

Hi Maw. I thought that after 50+ years of toil and trouble that when I retired completely from working that I would be globe trotting with DH. But it seems that when family left we. My dh and I did not have that much in common so I was mostly alone anyway but then after he went (RIP) then I really was alone..I think after he died the family (3+3) thought that they had buried me as well because family gathering were a thing of the past...since then I have done holidays on my own but I cannot recommend them. Even just sitting near a beach has become boring even tho I love.it..I tell myself that it’s a good life but it’s a lonely life because as I have aged so have my friends. No contact except by phone and for 2 years now my disability has stopped me doing anything. So Maw if at all possible try and do something constructive to keep mind and body alert. I have started sewing and because it is so long ago that I could make anything I am now a complete learner.i also love technology and my pc/iPad etc keep me in touch with the world...I have even booked an apartment overlooking the sea in Benidorm and I suppose I will spend 2 weeks thinking I am having a glorious time..I did think 2 of my dds would come but they were booked at a wedding at the same time. So. I go it alone and I will enjoy or be damned ha ha
.

Sorry went to early, not really used to posting on Gransnet yet. I was saying I really miss close family life and do get a bit resentful when I don’t hear or see them enough, think I’m getting like my mother who used to remind me all she had done for me (and she did) so trying to say how brave you all are for going out on your own.

Niucla97, yes, it's the spontaneous thing that is difficult to arrange for. In most conventional households there is some sort of sexual relationship going on, and as we know such relationships may be more trouble than they are worth.

Churches are really good for filling the blank space, as at least there is the spiritual fellowship, and opportunity for higher level of companionship. Few British people are believers however there are liberal churches which offer reasonable religion.

Where do you live Maw. I'm sure there are Gnetters in your area you could do nothing with.

I live on my own (divorced) but I wouldn’t say I’m lonely I have friends and I work part time, picking up though on something Blue Sapphire said about her family, paraphrasing ... they have their own family ...without worrying about her, I think that is very unselfish of her. I have 3 daughters, one with mental health problems, the other two live with their families in separate directions about 50 miles in one case and 100 miles in the other

I am sure you did not mean to phrase it like that.
"Nobody to do nothing with".
That makes it sound as if "nothing" is an exciting activity and you are looking for someone to join you in doing it.
Rather say, "I wish I had someone to do things with".

Yes it is difficult especially spontaneous times out. Although I have many friends, three friends that I do various things on a regular basis even that has proved difficult lately. Family commitments have taken over for two of them. Illness for the third and a couple of other friends.

This has been discussed before lots of people no longer like people to 'drop in' on them any more. It's hard when it's a beautiful day and you think I'll phone a friend and we'll go up the coast or somewhere but they are committed!

I think that we do have to get out there on our own or vegetate.

Enjoy the film going to see it in a couple of weeks. our local theatre is a few weeks behind. We only saw Fisherman's Friends on Saturday!

I have been a widow for 3 years but as he had dementia for several years before he died it seems like longer. Since he died I don't do much, have little inclination. I have stopped going to church every week but still go about once a month, and stay on for coffee afterwards. I have a neighbour I take out sometimes, but her husband is still alive at 87. I have been on 7 holidays, all escorted, since hubby died. You soon gel with the group and as I am always the oldest I get treated as a pet. Some of the holidays have been long haul and I have enjoyed them all. Hubby would not have enjoyed them at all. You are not alone on an escorted holiday, I have fond memories and many photos of them.

Since I became a loner aged late fifties I have joined a lot of things, favourite charities, part time jobs, U3A , a local club set up by a kindly man for local loners, dating agency, even a church.
I met several people of course, with whom I had something in common however considering the large number of people I met there were few intimate friends.

It's very easy for someone who is able bodied to join things: it's very hard to find a companion who is a friend, that is if you are a quiet person or have unusual tastes like going camping up the Highlands. However do please remember that husbands are not guaranteed to be companionable.
Most people bore me and I'd rather have a dog companion.

It's easy to fall into the - I might be the only one there by myself so won't go brigade. You don't know that if your not there ! Be brave and throw yourself into joining a few things. The ultimate is booking a holiday by yourself.