Nobody to do nothing with

I absolute understand. I was still at work when I was widowed but the weekends were hard.

I did get more used to it though and developed some kind of routine. Saturday was a walk with the Ramblers. Sunday mornings were a trip to Waitrose for coffee and the newspaper. Sunday afternoon I litterpicked in the village I was living in. Just having other people around me helped.
They were good activities because I could drop them if something better turned up!

Also (grimly) as more of my friends were also left on their own there were more people who also had no one to do nothing with. There is a very real fear of becoming an object of tolerance and pity to people who are still couples or wrapped up in family life though.

One other thought Maw and Bluesapphire. Would you consider joining the Northamptonshire 50+ Adventure club. Look it up on the web. Don’t be put off by the abseiling, they do less scarey stuff too! Although Ive moved away now the club really helped me though the first years of retirement when being alone hit home all over again. ?

Thank you for that suggestion, Eglantine. I had forgotten about that organisation. I remember hearing about it on local radio years ago. I shall definitely have a look at their website.

I know exactly what you mean Mawbroonabout having no-one to do nothing with as I was widowed eight years ago. The suggestion to flip things around is a good one which I have partly taken on board.
It's being alone almost all the time which is difficult, isn't it? Before, it was a choice and that's what makes the difference.

Your last sentence says it all for me Lovebeigecardigans. I enjoyed my own company when my husband was alive, and I didn’t always have a full time job. Since he died when I was 57, I have made a new life in a new area, volunteering etc. I have a good group of friends, but most of them have partners. My offspring and family live 20 minutes away, but I have just spent Easter entirely on my own, first time ever. They were enjoying their family time together as it should be. I realise I am feeling sorry for myself, but I fear it’s only going to get worse as I get older. There are a lot of hours in the day.

My experience was different and I have friends who say the same. After 50 years of marriage, and compromise, my husband died and I feel I am getting to know myself again. My own likes/dislikes etc. I have always been extremely independant, worked fulltime, we often holidayed and socialised separately......but there was always compromise. Now I see films I like, often alone but sometimes with friends, and I am loving it!

Dear Maw, I am not a widow so feel a little hesitant to say that I think the feelings you are having may be a another stage of grief for you. Not to minimise that a bit, but you come across as a strong person who will get through this stage as well and gradually frame a new way of life. It sounds to me as if you are doing all the right things. I wish you a new friend, male or female , who does share more of ypur interests and reactions.

oh wow, newbie here.. so very encouraging to read what everyone has to say here... I am a bit of a loner, don`t find it easy to mix.. I find it easy to "chat" to perfect strangers, at the local shop for example
but as for going on holiday on my own! oh wow! not that that bothers me,, going on holiday I mean.. I am just starting to go a short walk on my own. (dh with my physically, not mentally) I feel so strange.. almost ... well everyone is looking at me, and saying or thinking. that poor woman, all on her own.. ...but it gets a little easier each time...

this group is so supportive.

My goodness how this all resonates with me.... in fact I just had the phone in my hand to ring the Samaritans as life seems so unbelievably lonely... and yes, it’s the 'doing nothing with someone' that is the crux of the matter!
I’m a very outgoing, fit, humorous person, but live in a village where, although I know people, I seem unable to find a friend that I can 'do nothing with'....
This lonely existence is killing me...., as Maw says, I go to different groups, joined as much as possible including a walking group and talk to strangers! I have given out my phone number and contact details to at least thirty people (on said walks, in groups etc.) and how many have responded ....NONE!!!!! It must be me.....!
My family live thousands of miles away and there doesn’t seem to be a close relationship anyway. I feel my life is pretty worthless right now.... and it’s passing by at a rate of knots!! Everyone seems so very 'busy' and don’t seem to be able to 'fit me in'.... yet if I knew of a person living alone I’d do my best to integrate them! (I’ve made enquiries here to try and find other lonely people in order to get together, to no avail....!). I just don’t know how to fix it...!

In my late fifties I was dumped by my husband of thirty years and went camping up the Highlands with my German Shepherd and my collie cross. I was sad sometimes but sort of felt I was doing the right thing.Worst was being laughed at by two unpleasant men male campers in the same field, and being pitied by a woman who had a boat , a caravan, and a husband.

Hi i can sympathise with you, i found tea times the wirst so I would go to the cinema on my own, uts always quieter at tea times and Ive also travelled all over the world on my own and found that people talk to you more when you are on your own, and have now got new friends alk over the place. Dont rely on friends there are loads of people out there waiting to meet you x

Maidmarion do you have a local WI. Joining WI saved my sanity. Shop around to find the right one for you as they are all quite different. Good luck.

Maw, you and others have said so well what it feels like and I feel for you as well as celebrating your determination to keep going, and go out. Where I live a group of us are starting something maybe others would be interested in - we are holding tea and cake get togethers in different places around our area - all older people welcome. We make it easy for people to talk to people they have never met before and, if they want to, swap contact information, and agree the kind of things they would like to do. So far, this includes going to the cinema/theatre, National Trust visits, Scrabble, walking, tea/lunch with no agenda and more. We are not going to organise these activities ourselves - the idea is to be friendly and informal and enable people to make connections and decide what they want to do for themselves. People are making new friends as a result. It is early days! We hope it will grow - it is a simple idea, and if anyone else is interested in doing something similar in their area, please contct me.

Have been trying to find a short holiday in the sun, and all the pricings seems to be for families or couples. I knew from my mum about paying an extra single supplement, but I can't even find that online.

Good for you going to the movies on your own, but don't feel bad asking friends to come places. I'm sure they don't think you needy. Lots of married couples like to do their own thing too.

Someone mentioned volunteering which is a great way to meet new people (for later outings together), as is MeetUp. It's an annoying site to navigate but there are lots of social groups on there. Also there are loads of excellent courses all over the country listed on the CraftCourses website or how about looking into joining a group like U3A or NWR or RockChoir? For a few days break away, why not try SisterStay? It's an older women's homestay community with friendly women all over the country.

I heard Red Joan is very good btw. Wish I could come with you!

I have been a widow for many years and have of necessity made a social life with others on their own. Now that we are getting older the "couples" are losing partners and contacting me for sharing holidays outings etc. I must admit I have to stop myself responding with Where have you been all these years?

When we went on a cruise holiday several years ago I met a lady who was paired up with another lady to share a cabin with. It was a scheme she had joined for single ladies travelling alone and she was very happy with having company.

If you are able to get around by good public transport or your own car the opportunities for new friends are extremely good so avail yourself while you can. How about U3A ? Many groups within the local U3A umbrella are mainly social, including travel groups. Maybe you will never find another close "mate" to do things with on a whim, but there is always the chance. Build up acquaintances now while still mobile. I had to give up driving a couple of years ago and my life has shrunk greatly especially as increasingly severe arthritis cuts me out of much activity. However, in my case , twenty years in a Quaker Meeting provides people willing to give me lifts to several events and who are Friends in all senses. The appalling rural bus service here with no buses in the evenings or on Sundays is the result of "Austerity" policies devised by the government to spoil older people's lives. If you can walk, join a Ramblers group. There is nothing like long, leisurely walks chatting to people to get to know them. Good luck, Maw Broon. I was brought up reading the Sunday Post too.

Good for you! I started a local games night with some divorced and widowed friends and we try new games every month which has been great fun and something to look forward to.

Something my nan said after my poppa died was that she didn't have anyone to tell things to. Such as, 'I saw mrs x in the market- her daughter's getting married'. Nothing earthshattering just chit chat.

I really feel for you maw and all others in the situation- it terrifies me.

Mawbroon, I could have written your post myself. I've been single for 30 years, but only really felt alone when my youngest son left home 10 years ago. I've tried to keep as busy as possible, but there are times when I can spend several days without seeing or speaking to anyone. And much as I enjoy the activities that I do attend, I still feel like the odd one out. For the last 8 months I've been registered with dog rescue centres in the hope that I can rehome a little companion who will get me out of the house and hopefully meet new people. It's a very slow process and not easy to find a sociable, small cat-friendly dog, but I keep looking. I love my cat but she's not exactly great company - if she's out galivanting she's curled up asleep! Some of these posts have made me realise that I must make more effort and get out whilst I still can. It also makes me realise that there are so many of us feeling the same way - you are not alone.

Food for thought indeed ladies- i have moved away from a lot of my family and friends over 10 yrs ago, and though its been better in many ways it was ok while i had my 'old close friends' for whenever i paid a visit- but 1 by 1 a couple of them have passed away( not even out of their 40's) and 1 married in haste& had to sell up so we lost touch- and another 1 has early altzheimers so doesnt remember much of our past and is in a care home- so i find myself not having a true friend/ confidánt anymore- someone to ring when youre down or have a ' let your hair down' night out with now& again( im only 55) and your discusion has given me something to think over mawbroon- theres a small church cafe once a wk but i no longer go regularly- but i may restart and make suggestions of a book or knitting club or film showing afternoon etc to them and see where it leads.Thanks ladies!

I am not sure if you meant the phrase "someone to do nothing with" as I went through a phase of feeling a bit "spare" in the ten years before my middle aged kids decided to become parents and were living at some distance from me. All my friends were people who do things socially. They go to dinners, theatre nights, cycling, rambling, visits to stately homes. I hate doing things like that therefore have always been short of someone to just sit and chat with over a cup of tea. Social media has really been a godsend to me, as that's what it's all about. I can sit here in comfort with my tea exactly how I like it and chat as much or little as I want

I have gone to the cinema alone occasionally but theres never many in or they come as a couple of friends, so i always feel a bit 'odd' doing so

Hiya pet, how are you? You may have guessed from the username, I am blind and so, therefore, must use the computer with specialised audible software. BUT I am determined that I will NEVER let my disabilities overcome my abilities. I live in the Lake District (I know, wonderful scenery but I can't see it lol)
I'm separated from my wife but we are still friends, I enjoy days out, at this time of year I like to visit the `Petting Zoos` so that I can `Feel` the different animals, hey come on I `SEE` with my hands lol or a cruise on Windermere.
Which part of the country do you live in?

I don't want to sound trite but could you get a dog or a cat for company. Its something to look after and focus on and they are great company. You would have to walk the dog and would meet someone everyday, other dog walkers and it would get you out and about. Also think about going to church for the social side of things as you will find other widows there and you will have something uplifting and enjoyable to do on Sunday mornings and make friends over coffee in the hall afterwards.