Soop`s Kitrchen,a refuge and sanctuary for genteel folk

Yes Ann the kettle is on! DH has a CPAP machine and tonight the mask is whistling. I don’t want to wake him as he is at work tomorrow. I managed 2 1/2 hours before I woke.

I hope the heating is on and the kettle on the boil.
I am having a bad night and would welcome some company.
That is the beauty of our kitchen, someone is always around.

I think stumbled into is about right! It is a real kitchen after all ?

Oops! Should have said stumbled ON the kitchen! You can see how much better I feel as the sense of humour is back!

cornergran You are absolutely right. I have definitely been thinking of the future, and trying mentally to plan too far ahead.

mamissimo I think that DH may well be dealing with things in the same way as your friend. Quite probably it IS a male thing. I need to follow his lead and let him deal with things in his own way.

annodomini Thank you again. I appreciate how hard it is for you to be so far away from your sister.

It’s been a turbulent few days but I am feeling better for having shared things. I can’t say how helpful you have all been, and I’m so glad I stumbled into the kitchen!

My dear sister who has MND is a retired GP who knows her prognosis all too well. However, she is trying very hard to maintain her independence with support from her son and her friends. She still insists on driving herself, despite having to feed through a tube. I wish I lived closer to NZ.

Anneliese I am so sorry you are both having to cope with this diagnosis. My dearest friend was an assistant principal in a college, father of three teenage sons and a good husband when he received the same diagnosis. All his friends, family and colleagues were devastated and yet he carried on serenely. People immediately began treating him differently - giving him gifts etc. One day at lunch he said “ I wish they would all go back to normal. The only way I can cope with what’s happening to me is to do what I’ve always done while I can. It’s my life.” He read no leaflets, researched nothing but engaged with the doctors when needed.

My friend did it his way, and I think it was a “male” way. He was never one for fuss but I do know that while his family respected his choices it was very hard for them. My heart goes out to you.

Oh anneliese what a difficult situation. I totally understand how upsetting attending a funeral with your husband would be. I also understand that he wants to do what he always has done and so wants to attend. You’re both equally important but it sounds as if one of you will feel the decision whether to attend or not hasn’t taken their wishes into account. I don’t have an answer, wish I did, my instinct is that life should be as normal or perhaps as usual as possible for as long as possible. I know that’s easier for me to say than for you to do. I suspect right now you’re worrying about the future rather than the present. Sending love

Sorry annodomini! should have proofed it!

doodle He knows that all my working life was spent in health related professions and that what I don’t already know, I will research. I really think it’s a way of protecting himself.

dragonfly Its hard for me to explain to him why I think I will get upset. It’s very early days and talking about losing him is definitely not possible yet.

annodomino Physically he is ok at the moment. Today he has been cleaning carpets and the conservatory sofa! He feels very strongly that he should go to the funeral. But I wouldn’t want him to go on his own.

I know I overthink things, and that’s one of the reasons why I get so upset. DH often teases me and says I’m a pessimist, as I always plan for all eventualities, even with happy things, like holidays!

Thank you all. And for all with worries TOYA

Anneliese, IMO, the best thing you can do for your DH is to go along with his wishes and let him act as normally as possible as long as possible. If he really wants to go to his aunt's funeral, it will do him no real harm. If he gets tired, he will be able to rest afterwards. When you see the specialist nurse, I expect she (or he) will agree that he should do what he still can do. But you are bound to be anxious. This horrible diagnosis leaves everyone in a state of shock, including you.

Our children do not live here any more, just as we don’t live near our parents’ homes. If our ashes were buried here, there would be the guilt for them, as there is for me, of not visiting the place where their ashes are buried, with a headstone etc. We have chosen two places, one in the mountains of Snowdonia and one by the coast, to scatter our ashes.

kitty sorry about your infection that sounds nasty. I am sure chocolate is the best medicine for this condition (I must have read it somewhere ?)
You asked where I would like my ashes to go. It’s a bit of a dilemma really. I am a Christian (not a very good one) and do attend church regularly. DH on the other hand is not a believer so he has said he wanted his ashes to go in the river at a local spot that means a lot to us. He (and our family) are my world and to be honest wherever he goes I want to be with him so I have decided that instead of being in a garden of remembrance (which is the other option as we don’t want to be buried and don’t have a plot) I too want to go in the river at our special place.

I think Doodle is right Anneliese, I suspect your DH is trying to protect you just as I try to play things down with my DH.
I would explain to him that you just cannot face the funeral and hopefully he will understand.

anneliese you should never be afraid to bring your troubles and worries to the kitchen. Our dear soop set the standard for our special place years ago by being such a caring person herself and always having a kind word for everyone. This is very much the place to being your worries to. I can understand your DH wanting to go to his aunts funeral but I think you have to put his health and welfare first. Is there a family member who could go to ‘represent’ your DH. Would your DH listen to your concerns and perhaps be persuaded not to go.
I tread very gently with my next thought but is it possible that your DH is perhaps very aware of the implications of his diagnosis but trying to protect you from being worried about him? My DH has has numerous health problems and he tries to stop me from worrying about him too much. Perhaps the nurses visit next week will allow you both to talk about in a bit more detail. If your DH does end up going I do hope it doesn’t wear him out too much.

soop Tara has not been herself today, staying indoors all day and either sleeping on my bed or lying on the keyboard if I was at my computer.

I went out for lunch and she is normally knocking me over to get out of the door before me but today she came downstairs to say hello when I came home.

She has fresh bedding and a clean litter tray- I can do no more until morning. She is asleep on my bed, I am about to check if she is okay.

Good luck for tomorrow soop.

I have such a problem. DH’s aunt died last week and the funeral is next week. He very much wants to go. But I’m not sure I can cope with it, following his MND diagnosis last week, knowing that his time is limited. Also, although at the time he told the consultant he wanted to know everything, he hasn’t looked at any of the information, or looked on the internet. I don’t think he’s in denial, as he’s showing me how to do various things that he usually does. But I guess at the moment he doesn’t want to know in any detail what is going to happen. I’ve no idea what will happen when the specialist nurse visits later this week. And I really don’t know what to do about the funeral.

Sorry to end Sunday in such a sad way.

Of course Soop! Also date and rhubarb cake - a favourite - is on the side, fresh from the oven.

Nannytopsy I almost missed your post. I'm extremely partial to anything rhubarb-based. Save some for me to sample. Please.

kitty you've made me chortle. And, yes, feet up and eat chocolate. It's an order.

dragonfly and corner The very notion that I might leave this life in a horse-drawn hearse (horses wearing black plume thingies) surrounded by floral tributes spelling out my name, would be the end of me. However, that isn't going to happen. Our family have strict, written instructions. Keep things simple. It's who we are. Yet, I do appreciate that "one size doesn't fit all". We have the right to please ourselves. Just let the know the family know in advance.

A friend of Marydoll has pm'd me. Her meds have certainly dealt a blow. Please get well soon, Marydoll. Keep off the poteen.

I'm away. First thing in the morning I'm to have bloods taken at the surgery. Results will go to the Vale of Leven in time for the infusion later this week.

TOYA

Get well soon Kitty, and good luck to Ann & Panache.
I have started my rhubarb gin today and there is a crumble in the oven. Supposed to start a diet tomorrow (again!) but there will still be crumble ...

Panache You continue to be in my thoughts. I would love to have a magic wand that I could use to dismiss all the buggerations that you and your husband are tormented with. If only it were that simple.

Charleyg I hope that Tara hasn't been bullied again. She's far too precious.

Doodle Providing we're assured that our combined ashes will be placed on the beautiful beach opposite our happy home...we are well satisfied with our arrangements.

Not good kitty, lest hope the restorative power of chocolate will help. Get better soon.

There is now so much more choice and such a variety of approach with funerals. You’re definitely doing the right thing ann, by following your heart and honouring your husband’s wishes. When we’re all so different why would it be thought we’d all like the same type of funeral?

Your GP sounds both kind and efficient panache, wishing you both well and hoping for a speedy move to a supported living environment.

Well this kitchen elf needs to get to her rl kitchen, take care everyone.

Ann you are doing the right thing but I know how it is frowned upon. I did the same for my dad. My mum could not have made it to a funeral and I could not hold one without her. Also they had no friends left of their age so it would just have been a scattering of us and we all agreed the best thing was a direct cremation. It was what my dad wanted.

Panache you seem to have one problem after another. I am so sorry to hear this but really hope you get to your flat where you will feel more secure. Meanwhile I hope the hospital visit goes well on Wednesday.

Sorry to hear you are still unwell Kitty - I am sure antibiotics and chocolate will sort it out.

I agree with everyone that you and dh should gave the funeral of your choice. Will you be there for DH's cremation?

soop, your arrangements sound perfect.

doodle what have you decided about your ashes?

The place where dh wants hi ashes spreading isn't that keen so I have visions of people having little packets full of ashes stuffed down trouser legs and allowed to dribble out as they walk along - a bit like that scene in the Great Escape.

panache, I think you are doing the right thing about the flat. I hope all is well with your dh.

I feel vindicated for lying around doing little for a week. We've just come back from the Urgent Care Centre where it was decided that I have a sinus infection and a chest infection. So, an afternoon in front of the TV eating Easter eggs for me.