I’m struggling to understand.....

Sparkle -no need to say sorry, your opinion is as valued as mine. Lets just say we agree to disagree.

Niucla97 that's like jilting the bride at the altar, only a lot worse. I hope they still had the party and she took her sister or someone who loved her on the cruise.

Their time now to do what They want.

Good for them.
They’ve probably had a terrible marriage but stayed together for the children, grandchildren, etc.
They probably woke up one morning & thought ‘I’ve only got a few more years I want to spend them in peace’
Very brave, but I get it.

Life changes at any age .A few years ago acouple in their 80s separated cause He when off ( local ) with another woman in her 80s.
To make it worse her church said she should be friends with them and forgive ,what a great support they were for her ( I dont think )

I hope they enjoy their remaining years. Life is to short.

And, oldandverygrey - remember that many couples didn’t stay married for 40, 50 or 60 years until relatively recently - many women died in childbirth, or either spouse had a much shorter life for various reasons. Our ‘modern’ view of a long lived marriage is a possibly quite unrealistic expectation ?

A couple I know separated shortly after their golden wedding. My friend moved into a very pleasant care home, where she could be sociable, play bingo or have an art class.

She said her husband had always been miserable and selfish and she wanted a pleasant and calm final 10 + years of life.

She poppef back to her husband, and cooked his lunch most days, sorted out washing and some shopping, but said she was NOT going to suffer the long evenings of his morose company or the endless weekends of watching what HE wanted to watch on TV!

She’s been happy this way for 7+ years, and has bloomed. ?

PS another friend left a miserable husband after 48 years, her children fully supported her and she got a small housing association flat because her husband had been frankly awful. Again, she is now a happier woman who says she should have done it years ago, their children agree with her completely ?

I do know a couple of couples (!) who have decided to live separately in old age, one couple lived next door to each other, the others not that far apart.
They remain (remained in one case) friends but I think in each case it is the woman who instigated this.

oldandverygrey, I think most of us go in to marriage with that intention but people 'evolve' and no amount of determination is going to save some of them.

I count myself lucky that DH and I have evolved similarly and are still together and love each other. We have had difficult times where determination to make it work has helped but we had to work together.

But, we are lucky!!

Sorry, oldandverygrey but you still sound very smug.

There are some marriages (maybe even mine but I am not putting that on a public site) where there is no glue or faith strong enough to make you stick together because your other half is likely to kill either you, or the children, or both, and makes several attempts. You have to save your children and get away to safety.

No sanctimonious faith, etc is going to save their lives or your own.

Commitments to honour vows involve both parties.

Sparkle- it was never my intention to come across as smug. What I was trying to say was that when we married we made a commitment to honour our vows come hell or hightide, the path has not always been easy, however our faith has been the glue to stick together. Make what you will of that.

You are assuming that 'living apart' is a poor alternative to staying together. It may be what one or both of them have longed for - and suddenly realised, life is too short to procrastinate.

I cannot imagine anything better than living on my own.

We had a couple at Bridge Club. 50 years married, 5 children Nice house in the village.
Then he died suddenly and we all expected a broken hearted wife.
No way! within 3 months she was off with an old friend she had met at the graveside, Had given up the house in the village and now living in a busy town and very happy.

No one really knows married couples.

I can only say very honestly that the former years of a very happy marriage are wiped out by the recent 10 or so years and that is so sad

Oh annsixty how very sad. I am sending hugs and all good wishes. How difficult it must be for you.

My lovely neighbour (72) is going through the same thing. She has her husband with dementia at home and care workers come in every day to assist but whenever she sees us she apologises in case we can hear him shouting and swearing. (We can't.) She says the man she married and knew so well has gone, he's now a totally different person, and her life with him is extremely difficult, and frightening at times, but her vows mean she will stand by him. I am not sure how long she can do it for - remaining loyal to someone so changed.

In my case, I felt like I'd chopped off an arm or a leg when I finally divorced my husband, a man I'd known for 23 years.
It's a difficult decision to make but if your future happiness depends on getting out of an unpleasant situation then it is the only course of action.

I imagine after 58 years of marriage Katek your neighbours are entering a very brave new world. It makes you wonder why they are giving up that familiarity at their ages, even though the marriage isn't wonderful.

It would be good to know their reasons, wouldn't it? I maintain though, that being alone is better than being in a bad marriage. I regained so much of myself after divorce.

A couple we know age 74 and 75 just parted, turned out she had been knocking him around for years, he thought no one would believe it but in the end became very frightened and walked out with nothing. None of us had any idea.

Sometimes it is the "tasks" that glue the splinters together: raising the kids, paying the mortgage, saving and planning for retirement..

DH and I are still veru much in love but with raising a family and running a home and jobs we can go days without really talking. We talk but a lot of it is coordinating diaries, parenting issues and chores.

...once the joint tasks fall away some people end up faced with a partner that the suddenly realise they dont really know/love/like any more!

My husband was once voted the one 'least likely to stray' by all my friends. Funny that, as we are now divorced and my friends are still married!

oldandverygrey You say when we married, we married for life

How very smug you sound. I'm sure many of us on here also thought we had, but sadly for us it did not work out that way.

My father has been married to my stepmother for over 20 years (my mother passed away 22 years ago) and told me last week that they are splitting up. My father is 95 in a few weeks!! The reason is quite simply that she wants to move into an old peoples home where they are up north and where her family are, he wants to move into one down south where I and my 2 sisters plus his brother and sister-in-law live. Sometimes it's that simple - they are both quite practical about it and no bad feelings at all.

That must have been such a blow on their anniversary Niuclas so hurtful. It's hard to believe the wife was oblivious to all this for 20 years.

It is their business of course KateK but it does make you wonder what was the last straw to bring about the end of such a long marriage. I hope things work out for them both.

He wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms so she decided to leave

HildaW, yes taken all round your Mum is right and I frequently count my blessings; in the end that's more useful than counting my woes.

Falling' out of love' with the person you married is common and the' kind of love' you had at the start of your marriage is 'unique' if still there after 58 years.
We do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

NanaSuzy - your OH sounds very like mine. He is not the most empathetic person in the world and I get a bit cross when he goes all soppy over 'Supervet' but does not realise I'm really upset about something. It used to really bug me but I've come to realise he is not being deliberately dim about my emotions he's just not that good and picking up those tiny day to day clues. If I ever actually put it all into words (which for me is difficult given a pretty dysfunctional family so poor emotional education) he is very supportive, very kind and really quite a soppy romantic. What I really have come to appreciate is his deep sense of decency and dependability.
He has a really annoying sneeze and when tucking into a meal at home he really enjoys I have been driven to put my fingers in my ears! That being said in a restaurant his manners are impeccable! Then again I am sure I have some pretty annoying habits and I am a lazy so and so as well so all in all we are doing ok. I just know that if my Mum was still alive she would be letting me know in no uncertain terms that I was very lucky!