Daughter refusing all contact with me.

Yes I agree with many others on here- who you leave your money to is none of your daughter’s business whatsoever, and certainly none of her partner’s business at all. Your husband may have been a little pointed in his comments 17 years ago but it’s possibly just his generation. My mother would have said the same. Enjoy your little granddaughter, and make no mention to anyone if you happen to change the wills then it will be a total surprise. Many years ago my husband’s brother had a rude awakening regarding a family will- he thought he would be in control of everything when his father passed away but had a massive shock to find out that he had been dis-inherited after not pulling his weight with care and never visiting his dear old dad. Karma comes back to bite people I’m afraid.

The SIL sounds like he's an out and out bounder and is controlling his wife, your DD. I shouldn't leave him a penny in your will if I were you.

How dare they treat you like that when you are being generous and loving? Carrying a grudge for 17 years and torturing the emotions of two unwell, older people is beyond the pale.

Did your DD's partner ever get a job ?

I am sorry for the sad situation you are in but don't think anything you do will remedy it. Your daughter's partner seems to have a chip on his shoulder as your husband's comment to him 17 years ago seems an awfully long time to bear a grudge. Him not attending family occasions reflect this, and gradually over that time it must have been noticed and commented on by other relatives who will probably have formed their own opinions of him by now. Maybe your daughter wanted children of her own and it never happened, and the fact that your grandchild will receive something in the will has hit a raw nerve with her. Whatever the reason for their anger, it's your choice who you leave an inheritance to.
Personally I don't think it's a good idea to tell future beneficiaries who will get what, too many expectations.
I would probably write her a little letter or card, saying the door is always open to her, but I would not mention the will, or anything else that could trigger anymore anger, and hope that eventually in time you will be friends again.

I agree mostly with the other comments, but one thing that isn't really mentioned and no one seems to be able to resolve is how can we deal with how painful these situations are when all that is required is normal relationships/communications with our DD words and that is the one thing that we are being deprived of?

Due to having been widowed young, I have to spend most of my time alone and seem to spend it wondering what on earth I could have done that is so terrible that my children behave in this way? I'm also being deprived of normal relationships with my grandchildren.

When being a grandparent was something that I'd always looked forward to, my grandparents had been such a significant part of my life as a child.

How does a distraught mother/grandmother ever resolve the terrible feeling of being unloved, even hated, by those about whom they care most?

Very upsetting but I would now cut her out of my will completely if she doesn't want contact I would assume she wouldn't want my money

jennymolly - I am very surprised that after 17 years of virtual snubbing by your DD and her partner you are even contemplating leaving your DD anything in your will. What you are doing effectively is rewarding her for being rude and unkind to you - you say her unkindness is breaking your heart so what on earth are you doing to yourself - why would you want to have so little self-respect that you encourage her in this disgraceful behaviour. It's your business how you leave your assets - she has no entitlement and one could argue convincingly that any entitlement she may have had disintegrated when she threw you out of her place 17 years ago. There are lots of deserving causes and from the way you describe you DD and her partner, neither one of them meets the criteria. And you have a DS who suffers with anxiety - can you imagine what your DD and partner will put him through on your death - do you want that? People's true colours always emerge when it comes to wills and inheritance. I would rather put my money down a drain that pass it on to someone who has shown me so much unkindness.

I’m sorry you are going through this. So many grandnetters, me included, have self-entitled, hostile adult children. Your description of your daughter as a little girl and now, struck a cord with me. Mine too was a lovely, happy little girl. I won’t dwell here on what she is like as an adult. Suffice to say that after nearly two decades of being treated badly and me walking on eggshells, I was the one who decided to pull back from the relationship, not her (in the interest of my mental health).

I can absolutely see why your husband made the comment he did 17 years ago. Unwise? Yes, but in our lives we all say things we later regret. We are all falible and these adult children often say worse to us.

To those who site ‘double standards’ regarding views on the daughter’s partner not working and her son not working. These situations are completely different. Firstly, the son has a long-standing anxiety disorder which is a significant, often disabling mental health condition. Secondly, he is going to be a full time stay-at-home parent. That is a job. It is the best arrangement for a baby and young child to a full time primary carer. I worry about the developmental effect of regularly changing carers (in nurseries e.g. staff go on annual leave, sick leave and even leave their jobs altogether). The arrangement made by the son and daughter-in-law is a great choice that works for them, giving the best start in life to their baby and relieving him of dealing with an anxiety disorder in the work place!

Honestly, I would cut DD out of the Will completely....no good crying by your grave if she cannot be with you now.
I can hear the screams of don’t do that, but you will be long gone and what can she do then?
I left money to all 7 of my grandchildren in my Will, and have told my DC the contents so that I can answer any questions they may have, but truly, I wouldn’t bother to leave anything to your DD, I doubt she will be grateful or remorseful.

Agreed, SarahC apart from the last sentence. Already 'said' by your actions and adds a wee bit of unnecessary smug aggression methinks. Like your style otherwise.

Personally I see nothing wrong with the comment you made to your daughter's partner,in fact I said exactly the same thing to my daughter's husband many years ago when she was working and paying all the bills and he sat watching tv all day. As far as your will's concerned,it has nothing to do with them until you have 'gone' and it's a pity you have mentioned it to them but you have and that's done but I wouldn't bother telling them of any amendments to it if I were you. I can't understand why your DD's partner was enraged with your decision anyway,it seems perfectly satisfactory to me what you decided. It's such a shame your DD no longer keeps in touch and I really don't know what to say to that. She will regret it in the future I'm sure, but that's no consolation to you at this moment in time. I just wish you luck for the future.

The answer I kind of long for you to send (but you won't, as you are clearly a very lovely person and will only say anything like this in your imagination)
"Thank you for your frank thoughts about our wills.
It's good that we can exchange views so honestly.
In light of what you've said, however, we've decided to divide our estate equally between our grandchild, our son, and a donkey sanctuary in Mongolia. We are appointing a solicitor as co-executor with our son so you need not feel troubled by us any more. Now piss off."

I'm afraid I think that Cold has some good points.
I would have chopped the will in two saying that 7.5% of each half to go to grandchildren if there are any - in fact that is the sort of arrangement we have made - but it is too late now. Your daughter probably feels that she is worth 42.5% of your estate and your brother 57.5%.

Maybe they have not been able to conceive - in which case this is another blow. Maybe there are health problems. They are obviously in contact with other members of your family. The row 17 years ago must have been extremely serious for it to have left such deep scars.
I am so sorry for your estrangement.

If I try very hard, I almost can see your daughter's point of view, as presumably she cannot see any difference between your son staying at home to look after his child and her partner not working. Not that I agree with her point of view, but I am trying to understand her behaviour.

The original quarrel is past mending - it doesn't sound as if your daughter and her partner ever wanted to mend it.
Distressing for you, but honestly, if she wasn't your child, would you want to know a person who holds onto a grudge for so long?

Your will is your affair, and sounds perfectly fair to me. Try to hold onto the fact that you have made a fair will and that it is no business of your daughter's.

I'm in two minds about that harrigran. I'd hate to think of them falling out at the will reading. (Do they have those or is it only on the telly?) And I don't want any of them to feel cross with me afterwards.

Your Will is your concern, no-one else's.

You could leave everything to charity, it is up to YOU.

They live their life as they have chosen and if they have chosen to live it without family contact, so be it.

She has cut you out of her life, nothing you can do except just to get on with your life.

Hugs

I am at a loss as to why you felt the need to tell your DD about the will and who was getting what. In the thirty years since we drew up ours I have not told a soul about the contents.
My DD and SIL live in same circumstances, he doesn't work at all and they don't have children. DH and I keep our mouths well buttoned because it is none of our business.

Is 'umbrage taking' at remarks made by parents a phenomenon of more recent generations I wonder. My late DM made less than complimentary judgements about DH at times. It didn't please me, but I generally let it go. DH told me that, when at the pub with my father before our wedding, father told him that he didn't know what he (DH) saw in me. Maybe I was a wimp. My mother was certainly the stronger of the two of us.

I don’t see anything wrong in telling your 2 children what’s in your will either.

I think I must be hard hearted. If I can’t change something, then I don’t worry about it. Life’s too short to get embroiled in all this sort of stress. As far as I’m concerned if I have money to leave then it’s up to me to decide to who or what ever charity I feel deserves it. If my children were to be this awful, my local dogs trust would do very well indeed.

I'm a little confused... so your husband judged your Son in Law for not working? and then you apply a whole different set of standards to your own son who is a 'wonderful dad'....
I suspect there's a whole lot more going on than you're telling us... is your son the 'golden boy', who can do no wrong and your daughter constantly having actions questioned etc... if not now, then when they were growing up?
In which case the will and the reaction is very likely just the result of differences being made between them... it may in all reality have nothing to do with the will but that's just what finally set it off...
I only ask this, not to be insensitive, but because that is the situation I have with my mother... the sun shines out of my brother's back-side, and nothing I do is right... or ever has been ... since he was born, me and my sister were relegated to the 'also rans' and I assure you, that we felt it... brother, now 40 has finally got a job and is holding it down even though we were always being told how brilliant and intelligent he was... he was a wonderful father etc... I've had nothing but insults about everything from my weight to my career... very much a case of boring and dependable Notquiteagranyet, not the brightest but 'god help her, she's a trier'.... btw, I have a PhD, so not completely stupid...

From an outsider looking in your daughters P sounds like a real 'Control Freak' and at 48 she is old enough to know better. If he really loved her surely he would want to see her happy whether he liked your family or not. Obviously, your husband's remark hit a raw nerve and he has no problem seeing his P working two jobs, for him to ring you too and swear and shout at you disgusting. Our children are only with us for a short time and their adult life is their life choices.

jennymolly concentrate on yourself and your husband. You have done your job, its up to your D to apologise not you.

jennymolly
Mistake number one. Asking D partner when was he going to get a job? sore point no doubt ,and mistake number two divulging the contents of your will.
Those to benefit would eventually find this out for themselves.
We all learn by our mistakes.Take solace in the fact you have contact with your son,his wife and your grandchild and although tearing you apart, and time can be a great healer, I fear that by attempting further contact with your estranged daughter any harsh words spoken will only add fuel to the fire.

you say that sazzl - but do you really mean it?

One of my best friend has just lost her daughter to cancer. They'd been estranged for a long time- she tried and tried to get closer wiht her daughter when she learnt how ill she was- but she wouldn't let her near and she died last week- without seeing her mum. Honestly - it will be very very hard to get over the loss because she was unable to make up.

I'd crawl on my hands and knees and swallow my pride, and do everything I can to make amends.

I guess your heart is broken, we make our children but they choose their own journey and become their own person.

You probably wouldn't want to hear this but let her and her husband go. Maybe given time she will come back on her own accord.

BUT to react like this over something where she isn't ruled out completely is far from loving.
Sadly it does seem that her husband has a lot of influence over her and maybe he has brought out the worst in her. He sounds far from nice the incident years ago would have had me worrying that she was ok with him and not in an abusive, controlling or bullying relationship.

One big question is why did you tell her in the first place? Will's shouldn't matter but we live in such a materialistic society that greed sets in.