Daughter refusing all contact with me.

Your daughter views your will as being unfair because you have effectively left 42.5% to her side of the family and much more (57.5%) to your son's side of the family (your daughter is past childbearing age so she will not have any children who might access the 15% to be shared between grandchildren).
She might have had fertility issues that would make that even harder to stomach.
I understand that it is completely up to you what you choose to do with your estate. My view is that the estate should be shared equally between your son and your daughter and it is for your son to chose to spend some of his side's share on his child/children. I think that it is important to be scrupulous about 50/50 in these types of circumstances - your Daughter should not be punished for being childless (that is how she will be viewing it, in my opinion).

I agree leyla , I have been wondering if the daughter couldn’t have children,

Was daughters partner unable to find work when asked if he was going to try to get a job soon.

I think it is a better idea to bung as much as you can to the grandkids, (into savings accounts/isas) now, and then leave the will to be equal shares between your children. Saves any family upsets after you are gone, which I think would be awful.

Sounds to me that your DD is totally controlled by her partner, and I doubt that you can remedy that - only she can do that if she sees sense. If that happens I think you must be careful not to rake up the past. Good luck.

I agree with Layla and Annie, it’s best to share anything left after your deaths between the two children equally. You could maybe leave a beloved piece of jewellery to your daughter and another to your granddaughter. The money should be totally equal shares to each of your children, despite the difficulties in your relationship with your daughter.

Agnurse
It was my husband not me who asked about jobs etc. The history behind the comment was that our daughter had found out that her partner was running up bills on her card and hiding the receipts etc. They were getting in debt because of his secret spending and our daughter was working 7 days a week to pay off HIS debts. Also she was doing all the shopping cleaning cooking etc whilst he did nothing

There are a lot of comments regarding the DD and her "lack" of children. Maybe she liked working rather than motherhood.

Personally, I really do think it's the OP's right to leave their money as they wish. A nod to the grandchild is a lovely gesture and DD was completely wrong to see that gesture as a slight against her.

Going forward. It's up to you if you want to address this now or just leave things. Unfortunately DD and her partner are the sort to fester (17 years! Good grief). Perhaps a short note (is it her birthday anytime soon?) - don't apologise - you have nothing to apologise for. Along the lines of - we miss you and love you and would very much like to see you (both? DD & P?), please get in touch. No reply - wait another 4 - 6 weeks and send another. No reply - think carefully if you want to maintain the relationship, Don't cut her out of your will - that's the sort of actions of soap drama's.

Badmouthing you to relatives and friends - that's on DD, I would hope that good relatives and friends will see that sort of behaviour as more telling of the badmouther than the badmouthee .. !

What would upset me most of all is the thought of your daughter's partner potentially benefitting when the time comes. It seems he is at the root of your estrangement from your daughter. How dare he berate you about your decision. It is absolutely no business of his. He sounds a conttolling bully. What a shame he cannot be excluded.

There’s a world of difference between a stay at home dad looking after a baby (the OP’s son) and a person (male or female) not working through choice, whose partner is working two jobs to pay all the bills. I don’t think the “golden boy” remarks are justified.

I fully sympathise. I have lost all contact with my daughter - a long history of troubled times.
She now has 3 children, I didn’t even know she was expecting the third. The hurt & sadness never leaves me & sometimes the pain is unbearable. But I do live in hope. I have written her out of my will - my son & stepdaughter will share anything that’s left when my husband & I go.

I think the one thing people don't see here is that whether or not DD's partner had a job was none of her father's business.

It's their household. It's their money.

My FIL body-shamed me and our daughter and effectively told my husband that he didn't know why Hubby had married me in the first place.

He has since turned into Granddad Who We Don't See.

How would you feel if your daughter came to your home and said, "Why isn't Dad doing more to help you around the house? He's retired now, he should be doing his fair share." What would your response be?

I have written a will. Although I have 6 grandchildren, they are not named in my will. I am of the opinion that its their parents duty to make sure they are taken care of.
Another valid point- my daughter is now divorced. Had I died before their divorce, her ex husband would have been entitled to half of MY money, which would have gone to pamper his mistress.
Some friends I know have bypassed the children, and left their money directly to grandchildren

I agree with those who say the will should have been equally divided between your children. It does seem quite unfair that one child should receive less than the other just because she's childless. As for the criticism of your daughter's partner, it's also a criticism of your daughter for choosing that partner. How they live their life is entirely up to them. It seems a bit late to turn back the clock, but if it were me I would apologise and ask for forgiveness but that's just me. It doesn't seem that you can see that, perhaps, you could be in the wrong. I hope this doesn't seem too harsh, it's really not meant to be. Seventeen years does seem rather excessive to hold a grudge.

whether or not DD's partner had a job was none of her father's business.

Equally, agnurse, how the OP and DH choose to leave their estate is none of their daughter’s business.

The remark made many years ago stemmed from concern over a daughter’s wellbeing. What would it take to become a father’s business, physical abuse? Or should he still keep out of it?

It’s your money to do as YOU wish with.

I see nothing at all wrong with what you have done - perhaps, with hindsight, you realise telling the future recipients was a mistake?

Your daughter is clearly under the control of a rather nasty individual - nothing you can do until she realises/wakes up to the fact.

Don’t change your will - your intentions are pure and, frankly I am surprised at comments telling you otherwise.

All you can do now is keep letting your daughter know you love her and are always there for her. As for the jackass she is with - if it should phone again, end the call without engaging. The only way to deal with bullies is to ignore them.

Sending for your situation

Very sorry you are in this situation, jennymolly. If you'd like some professional help, eg crisis counselling,and other things, let me know. Take care.

Pat1949
It does seem quite unfair that one child should receive less than the other just because she's childless.

But one child is not going to inherit less than the other here. Son and daughter are set to inherit exactly the same amount!

Is it not clear to your DD that the 15% is not only for the recently born GC, but for grandchildren (pural), though it doesn't sound as if she intends to have children which is, after all, her choice. Perhaps you could leave the 15% in trust for each child's share to be held until he/she reaches 18, which is what my dad did.

Well said Maggiemaybe and in my opinion for a 48 year old this is childish behaviour. Your daughter should be very grateful that she will have inheritance at all. Any children should be grateful as there are many parents that have no property or money to leave them. An inheritance is a gift not an obligatory. Don't think that the people they bad mouth you too will take their side and be against you. It's your money and you spend it or leave it to who ever you wish after all, what would your daughter say to you if you told her who to leave her money to when she dies. She'd tell you to mind your own business I'm sure. as Mamacass said, your son and daughter are going to get equal amounts, so what's the problem? Greed says that she's like a bit more. I'd have thought she would have thought it a nice gesture to leave your grandson something but obviously not. I can't see any reason for you to apologise. Is she worried for the upset she's causing you and your husband? It doesn't seem so. She needs to grow up. Be strong, leave it be and get on living your life instead of letting it get you down every day. I know it's upsetting but leave the ball in her court. Get well soon.

agnurse, I think you have some issues about the way your FiL treated you. Maybe some councelling would help you come to terms with the way you feel. Certainly it would seem that he didn’t behave in a welcoming way to you and your daughter, and to be honest, that behaviour is reprehensible. However your advice to every gran with family difficulties is the same, put up with it, it’s nothing to do with you. The message that comes across is one of arrogance and a lack of care or perception of the poster’s problems. It’s sad you’ve taken the road of cutting your FiL out of your lives, that is the action of a hard, unloving, control freak.

This post, and thankyou for it, Jenny has certainly brought up many intense feelings.
I tend to agree being scrupulously fair is the way to go.
Can you change the will?
My DGM mistakenly left the lion's share to her eldest DGC.
It couldn't be changed but my DM altered her own will to address the balance.

maddyone

FIL's history includes:

-writing Hubby off because he's autistic
-taking his children to visit GFIL who was emotionally and physically abusive to all of his children (and did unspeakable acts to his daughter that should have landed him in jail) and emotionally abusive to his grandchildren who were scared stiff of him
-body-shaming me and our impressionable young daughter (who subsequently developed issues with food)
-financially abusing us when he was renting a house from us
-telling my husband that he essentially couldn't see why we were together and that Hubby should have done better
-popping in and out of our lives whenever it suits him

DSD (14) wants little to do with him. I've already told Hubby that if we have more children, FIL will not be seeing them. Do you think he's a safe person to have around children?

The reality is that you cannot force a relationship with an adult who does not want one. Nor can you force an adult to allow you a relationship with their minor children.

Maggiemaybe

Parents should never get involved in the relationship issues of their adult children, and adult children should never ask their parents to get involved. A parent's instinct is to always protect a child. That's natural. That's normal. But it also means, by definition, that a parent is not a neutral third party.

Actually, in the case of physical abuse, if a parent tries to intervene, the abuser could well escalate the abuse. It's a documented fact that the most dangerous time for someone who is being abused is when he or she tries to leave the relationship. The abuse can escalate and even become homicidal.

Once your children become adults, they are peers with you. A parent does not become some type of "super adult" to whom the child is permanently subordinate. It's inappropriate for a parent to criticize a child's partner or lifestyle.

jennymolly. I simply want to send my love. I do hope you and your husband are feeling reasonably well. I am so very sorry about your family problems. I can sympathise, having had my share too. I cannot come up with a clever idea or solution. I think you and your DH must try and enjoy as much time together as you can and remember that you have done the right thing. What you have decided, you decided with love in your hearts. Personally I think it is an excellent solution. I am about to re-do my will as it is out of date. I have thought of dividing it in percentages too because I have a disabled DGS.

I have found being old so much harder than I ever dreamed it would be and your letter today underlines this.
Remember, you have done the right and the kindest thing. It is entirely your decision to make. If they are going to behave like spoilt children then that is their problem. I have had to become very tough about my children's reactions as it is the only way I can manage to keep going. I expect your DD who has the mean husband is influenced by him. But it is impossible for us to do or say anything.

Dear Jennymolly, try and take care of yourself and DH, do try and leave them to sort themselves out, after all, they are adults!
God bless you both. With lots of love

How would you feel if your daughter came to your home and said, "Why isn't Dad doing more to help you around the house? He's retired now, he should be doing his fair share." What would your response be?

Agnurse Frankly my response to that would be " You could have a point. Let me think about that! I plan to discuss some new work/life balance now that he is retired! Do you fancy a cup of tea?"

What I would categorically NOT do is flounce off, throw anyone out the house, refuse to see them etc etc etc! Such a remark doesn't have to be instantly confrontational or hurtful or merit a load of drama! It could be meant kindly even if badly expressed!
My overall instinctive response to behaviour like that as a response to the example you gave would be "Oh grow up!"