Lack of friends

When we moved to Ireland 10 years ago I went from working full time and having a good social life to living in the middle of no where and not knowing anyone. I failed to get a job (and it wasn’t for the fact of trying) and was starting to feel very isolated so I began doing some voluntary work and it opened up a whole new world. I met so lovely people - made a difference to lots of people and finally felt I was worth something again

I think those of you who have responded who lack friends should become pen pals - or perhaps these days email pals (not quite as exciting though!) . It would be difficult to offer friendship on this site as we all live in different places. However, it would be fun to keep in touch by letter (I get so excited if I receive a handwritten card or letter - to think someone has take time out to do this). When I was at school I had lots of pen-friends all over the world and loved hearing from them telling me about their lives. Anyone interested?

Perhaps Gransnet could set up something where we could give the area we live in and note whether we would like to contact others for a meet up?

Well, you are certainly not unfriendly, or you would not be reaching out. I understand the only child comment, I am an only child and I am aware that I only want friends when I am in the mood, which is something I am working on, I also put it down to being an only child. I do not know if you have heard of meetup online, you go on the general website then put your own areas in the search engine, it seems great, but obviously, check stuff out really well before heading anywhere. Although we do not see each other face to face we are all friends on here and you sound amazing, good luck.

Something I do what I forgot to mention. Once a month me and a few neighbours have a coffee afternoon. We all take turns in being the host, meet from 2 to 4pm (it generally runs over) and the host supplies tea and biscuits, no fancy cooking just keep it easy. I was the instigator I typed up flyers and put them through doors of people I knew and also didn’t really know. Before we leave we pick a date we can all do for next time.

P.S Vauxhall58

I have sisters but we have had nothing to do with each other for over 20 years and I have 2 children who have their own social life which doesn't include me so don't worry. I also haven't had a husband for years.
My few but much loved and cared for friends have always been a very important part of my life and I have drifted apart from many and found new ones as life evolves and people move naturally on which is okay!
Try to never feel sorry for yourself, show gratitude and listen carefully to everything people say. If they don't listen to you MOVE ON..!
Good luck
xx

If you meet someone you like don't hold back.
As someone said earlier make a date for certain not something vague.
You can only have time for 2 or 3 close friends at the most as friends take time and effort.

Whatever you do pick the people you want and not just any old person for the sake of not being lonely.
You must like, admire and respect a friend and be able to tell them anything and talk freely.

I met my two friends at the swimming pool. I see them separately though and they each have other friends of their own although we all love swimming with a passion. Find something you love to do and you will be sure to meet someone there. For example a walking group or if you have a dog other dog walkers.
My hairdresser arranged a holiday with people she met dog walking.

Get out there, don't give up - not an option - and when you meet someone you like I can bet you they'll like you too so invite them round for a cup of tea.
I collect my gs from school and have palled up with another mum and another grandma and we seem to have a similar sense of humour. I really like them both and trust me - there are not many people I like!
Just remeber - people do not come knocking, get out there and have courage - don't worry if they like you! Think - do I like THEM!
XX

Many groups one joins in later life I've found are rather cliquey, but I just rise above it, as I don't need this. However, I've found friendship with one or two people within these groups who I meet up with for coffee/lunch and a chat. I have two dear friends from my childhood/teenage years and a few old friends from work. Other than that, I have neighbours who are friends and others I've met from volunteering. I also have a daughter, who has many friends in the area we live, so I am included in some of the outings - theatre, quiz nights etc. What are your interests Vauxhall? There are so many opportunities to meet like minded people, but you need the confidence and determination to do it!

Yes do give it a go Tangerine I do enjoy our monthly meetings and have been pushed out of my comfort zone many times now . I suppose anyone able to attend the events outside the usual meetings could make likeminded friends.

Thanks Gillybob.

I'd been thinking about joining and may give it a try when I retire. I have nothing to lose and don't have to continue if I don't like it.

I am a member of the WI Tangerine and although I do enjoy the monthly meetings I have never made any real friends there. It is quite cliquey and most people already know each other (like there are a group of people who all work together for the NHS and another group who work in the LA etc.) they tend to stick together. I am rarely able to attend the various events and outings they have as they tend to be when I am at work or on childcare duties. Okay so they say hello how are you? But that’s about it . Lonely in a crowd, kind of sums it up really.

It may take time to make friends rather than acquaintances but why not try something like the WI? I am not a member but someone I know goes and enjoys it.

Acquaintances may turn into friends.

Book Group perhaps.

I would not have a social life if my daughter hadn't invited me to piggyback off hers! Been here nearly 20 years! On and off- Prior to that, I didn't have one- But "only" since moving to this state- Every other state I lived in I developed intimate relationships with people no matter how short-lived or long-lasting- In the book Bossy Pants by Tina Fey she described people from this state to a T- I was in tears!

I've had to start over with friendships many times due to moving often. One thing I eventually learnt was that not everyone I met had to become a friend. I realised that it was perfectly fine to have people I know and then have a deeper relationship with others who became close friends.

I also learnt that no one is waiting to be my friend and I had to put in the spade work. There are the obvious things to do. such as mixing with others so you have a chance to meet that one person with whom you hit it off. Showing interest in the other person is always good, so have a few polite questions ready e.g. 'Do you live locally?' Or 'I love your hair, where do you get it done?' or whatever's appropriate to the situation.

Then, and I think this is crucial, if you get the feeling you're on the same wavelength, try to make a firm date to get together. Ask if they'd like to meet for coffee next Wednesday - not at some nameless point in the future. They may jump at the invitation, or they may say, 'Oh, I can't do Wednesday but Thursday would be good,' or they may say, 'Sorry, I can't manage that. I'm busy.' The latter response can be a bit ouch but you can rationalise it as nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Don't forget to offer people a way of contacting you, too. (Use a 'spare' email address if you're worried about security.) If they reciprocate, that's even better.

And a bit like dating, its hard to find the line between giving up too quickly Vs not taking a hint.

"Lets grab a coffee sometime" could be a brush-off or a genuine invitation?

If someone is busy when you follow up on it, are they just busy or not interested.

Yes notanan2 - one in particular has been quite self contained and it’s taken longer for her to see how much she means to me but it’s been worth it as we are alike in many ways.

We are now at the stage where we can ring/meet at the drop of a hat when we’re both at a loose end and it’s lovely and a big part of being friends.

Its a bit like dating, the whole business of progressing aquaintances to friends. And I guess there is only so much you can take before it becomes less lonely to not try...

notanan, it is Catch 22. Being in a crowd can be very lonely, but you need a crowd to make friend unless you are very lucky.

I was an army brat, 21 'permanent'addresses all over the world by the time I was 21, 10 schools. I became quite good at superficial friendships that ended when we moved. I never learnt how to make friends, as I said, with the ones I have, they have mostly made the friendship.

But what do I know is that the problem lies with me and I have to deal with it or accept it.

With my latest friendships it has taken more conscious thought to develop them than it ever seemed to as a child but no less rewarding for all that.

It does. Its a conscious process.
The friends I made in my youth didnt require that as we were spending a lot of time together anyway via university/house shares etc.

Now, you have to somehow create those hours that convert an aquaintance to a friend. It is more difficult. Feels more forced & awkward.

I would not say that I have a best friend; but do not feel the lack of this. I have a wide circle of what I call friends, some of whom I confide in (and they in me) and some not. I do not see them as often as I would like, but I am a carer. They are always there on the end of a phone or to meet for coffee. Most I meet at the various activities that I go to.

I do know that there are a handful of people who would be here like a shot if I needed them. Likewise all my family.

I think it is possible to agonise unnecessarily over this issue and to imagine that others have best friends.

All I know is the more people you are acquainted with the better your chance of that group fining down to a group you are closer to than the others and finally someone you go and have a coffee with and it goes from there.

Hmm I dont know. Lonliness is worse in a crowd than "alone"

Its all well and good saying "get out there and meet more people" if you are the type who can naturally progress some of those people into friends.

For those of us who dont find that that transition comes naturally, more awuaintances just = more aquaintances, and sometimes knowing a lot of people, but also knowing that none of them really care, is the loneliest situation of all!

Because there are no tips to give. All my friendships, and they are not many, just grew organically from the wider pool of acquaintances, one friend was at boarding school with me, one I studied with, one I worked with, and one I was on a committee with, I was at school, work, and on committees with lots of people I like and know well, but only the one friendship. Even with the friend I contacted, why did we hit it off rather than say thank you and goodbye, I have no idea.

All I know is the more people you are acquainted with the better your chance of that group fining down to a group you are closer to than the others and finally someone you go and have a coffee with and it goes from there.

I do think you need to be prepared to mix and socialise with a lot of frogs before one turns into the friend you always wanted. My biggest failing is that I do not give the frogs enough time, I whizz through, decide they are not my sort and move on.

Agreed notanan2 - perhaps we should think more about being a good friend/being friendly than counting acquaintances.

I do think that if you like someone at first meeting etc you could tell them how much you enjoyed their company and would like to do it again sometime.

With my latest friendships it has taken more conscious thought to develop them than it ever seemed to as a child but no less rewarding for all that.

People mean very different things by the word ‘friend’. To me it means someone really close I can talk to about anything. To others it just means ‘someone I know, an aquaintance’. I have a friend who talks quite a bit about her many friends, but I know for a fact that I am the only person she really confides in.

I have been a widow for many years, no family, entirely alone and your age. I had friends but most were married and didn’t want to do much other than meet up for daytime coffee. Getting them to come out in the evening was impossible. They would rather stay home and watch TV.

I needed something new in my life I could go along to in the evenings. I joined a club in the performing arts and soon became actively involved in running it. This has lead to so many spin offs in my social life that I am now rarely home.

You have not said what you are interested in. My advice is to think about what you like to do or would like to do and join something where you can be actively involved. You get out what you put in.

If your husband doesn’t want to do much don’t let that stop you having a social life.

No need for a best friend. Better to develop individual friendships, people with whom you do different things.

Today, on my way out, I spotted one of the local Walk for Health groups which are run by the local authority. A group of people all walking in pairs having a good chat. I believe one can just go along to these and join in.

No harm trying out different things. Some you will like, some you won’t. Some clubs and groups can be welcoming. Others can seem cliquey and unwelcoming. Don’t let negative experiences put you off. Just try something else. Go to something alone and look out for someone else who is also alone. Strike up a conversation. They may want a friend too.

Maybe start something yourself. Find a local pub where you could host a book club or something similar. People will come.

In the club I now help run, I especially look out for people who come along alone. I try to make them feel comfortable and welcome, introduce them to other people and have watched new friendships blossom.