Lack of friends

I have that problem Fern. Have posted about it before:

My hubby is a home body who doesnt miss having friends.

He is likable and makes friends easily but he just does not make any effort to keep them. He is content as he is.

I am wildly jelous of friends who inherited a whole second social circle when they married but not me! The only visitors in our home are ones I invite.

I resent it a little sometimes, which isnt fair on him really...

@Vauxhall58

Social media and on-line including this site is not - making friends unless - you meet up for real -

Try joining a real life group where you go out of the house like for eg. -
dancersize - line dancing - walking group

or just go to bingo or the church hall or a drama group or college course - anything but - online

Hope you do it and do it soon - post back when you do

So many of us feel somewhat lonely. It doesn’t help if husband is somewhat anti social. Have good friends miles away but am lucky to see them once a year. Doesn’t help as not over mobile. Can’t find a meet-up in this area. Surrey/North Hants area. So many of us out there.

I have a small number of friends who I met at a sewing group which meets once a month. I've always been rather shy and don't 'initiate' further meetings for fear of failure. I'm a twin and we were expected to be best friends with each other although we are chalk and cheese - we see each other twice a week. Being a childless widow doesn't help. I do feel a bit lonely sometimes and try to keep busy. which helps. I'm better off than some but could do better.

Could you maybe join a local gym/swimming group/walking group. I`m like you don`t have any friends but now at least I can talk to people at my aqua aerobic classes.

You could join a gym older ladies tend to do aquaerobics, Rock choir or other singing groups, any other hobbly you do.
My ex partner was a miserable so and so who didn't want to go out so you don't keep up with friends the same, but you could contact old friends.
It is not easy to male friends but keep smiling and it will happen.
I can't understand the reasoning behind the opinions of younger people in that if we are older we will get on with other older people, they don't change just because yhey are older.

So many comments here and I haven’t read them all but the one about acquaintances versus friends....well, isn’t that how friends come about? It’s a slow process. I was very ill a few years back. Some of my ‘friends’ didn’t want to know really...my illness went on too long for them I think. I needed to make new friends so as soon as I could, I joined some groups for things I was really interested in. I made myself be sociable and was always open to extra sociable things after the activities...coffee...lunch etc. Slowly I started to resonate with some others and have a few new friends now. They’re not the same as long standing friends of many years Ut I totally value them and enjoy their company. So slowly does it...be open to opportunities and reach out gently to others...we are all in the same boat really.

I am 80 and only have one friend that I met through work years ago- we usually meet once a fortnight.
My husband still lives with me and one daughter and family live locally.
When I left work I volunteered at a charity shop and was there for 25 years until I had to leave last year due to a period off ill health.
I do go to a Move it or lose class once a week where there is a nice crowd of women all very friendly but not likely to become good friends.
However that does not bother me - I am quite happy with my own company and having family close by if needed

To get our first council house we are expected to stay put. That way our friends may also live nearby.

But since such homes were restricted to the neediest families (except for the occasional union boss and other players of the system) we have no option but to move to where the work is.

Unsurprisingly we lose touch with our friends as a consequence of our housing and economic policies.

Still we have many needy people hanging on to their friends (but not their livelihoods) in London and other expensive cities. They refuse to find work where they can afford to live and it seems that we are on the hook to maintain their friendships.

Many of us pay premium prices for new homes so 1 in 10 new homes can be built for needy families also far from their friends.

We have been making ourselves friendless for decades and I see no politicians planning to change housing and economic policies to help us to sustain our friendships.

Brexit won’t help either.

I'm a bit like gillybob married Young had kids stayed at home and realising I've lived my life around my kids got part time job then moved on , I work in mainly in young people environment ( nursery) so any friends I've made have been previous job but only now realising how lonely I'm feeling away from work.

This seems to have happened to me, I have had several serious illnesses in the last few years which have made it very difficult to meet up with people or make regular commitments to voluntary work and so on, and I've gone from knowing loads of people locally to having hardly any friends. I've been feeling very lonely. I know lots of people online, which is lovely, but it's not the same.

I've just started to get to know people through joining a new church. It's still quite hard for me to join in things because I have chronic fatigue, but people are making an effort to get to know me, because it's a friendly church.

I know exactly how you feel, my life has changed since I became unwell and had to leave work. I was very work focused and most of the people I knew were connected with my job. I have throughout my life faced challenges that most people have little understanding so I keep to myself. I am married but my husband works permanent nights and sleeps during the day so spend a lot of time alone. I often prefer my own company but would like to meet people, but I can never really be me so don't think a real friendship is possible now I am 56.

Would picking up the phone and talking with an ‘old’ friend help? Over time you’d reconnect and be able to share and care?

Meet Up is a great way to make new friends, it won't happen overnight you have to get yourself out there....so many lonely ppl it's very sad sending love to you all

CaroleAnne, what a lovely tribute to your husband.

What a great thread this is. It is so full of hope and positivity. I have a few long distance friends who I see very seldomly now but keep in contact by Christmas card e mail and what's app. I find it difficult to join a group as I am now profoundly deaf and unable to join in a conversation. I can only converse on a one to one basis face to face. However I do have an old school friend who lives a short walk away from me and we meet for coffee etc. I also belong to the U3A and go on outings with them. My best friend and companion is my dear husband. We have our own interests but jog along together well.

I've just joined my local WI which is having it's inaugural meeting next month. They meet monthly usually in the evening to meet the needs of women like yourself who work (they do have daytime meetings to)
I am an only child but do have adult children and yes it can be hard but once you've done it it will give you confidence to try other things x

Look at local classes in your area. Unfortunately there aren't so many nowadays and they seem to be in cookery, sewing etc. which is fine but there used to be a choice. It is worth looking though. Even if you don't make friends, you are with people and doing something interesting.

Exactly MissAdventure.

How to transition from we're friendly because we are both in X group, or because we see a lot of each other at the moment because we both do Y
To: We are friends just because we like each other, and will enjoy a catch up even if our lives drift in different directions.

I don't know how.
I must have had that skill in the past because I have old friends. But I have clearly lost it. Just worked out that my "newest" proper friend is someone I met in 2004!

Have met lots of nice and interesting people since, but clearly none that found me nice & intetesting enough to stick around once our common interest/activity ended.

Oh I do understand what you mean Notanan2. It is very difficult to make proper friends at our age. Joining groups and volunteering suggestions make me sigh. Usually the groups and volunteers are already in a strong friendship with others and despite being polite and welcoming, it’s not the same as being friends. I find your thread reassuring that I am not an oddball, but a bit fed up of hobby groups and volunteering suggestions.

I would suggest you join an actual physical group, as I don't think you are very likely to make personal friends online.

Have you considered joining a group that walk together for exercise?

Or joining a book club at your local library?

I'm very fortunate in that I make friends easily. Some are because of the 'now', but I generally keep friends for a very long time, some exceptionally close and have seen me through some very rocky times.

Some, including my best/closest friend, I have met through Am Drams. Joining a dramatic society is a very good and fun way of meeting people and making friends. It is certainly not necessary to be an aspiring actress. It took me years to pluck up courage to tread the boards, despite being an extrovert. Walk on, part of the crowd roles mean you are included. But far more goes on back stage. There's costumes, directing, stage managing, props, front of house, publicity, making the coffee etc etc. it's all very inclusive. And rehearsals are usually twice a week plus other activities and a very good social life as a spin off. You wouldn't stay lonely for long! Go on give it a go.

That's what I have found.
I had lots of friends when our circumstances were similar.
As a young mum, I had lots of other young mums as friends.
As a working Nan with a fairly young child (and nobody to babysit) my friends have drifted away.

Sometimes you can make a new friend in the most unlikely places and situations. I made two friends just by chance like this. The first one was in our local library, I had a couple of books under my arm and had just headed towards the arts and crafts section for a different book ,when a lady standing next to me looking through the books, reached out at the same time as me for the same book. We laughed about who should have it, then she pointed to one of the other books I was carrying and said I see we have similar tastes. As our library has its own readers cafe inside she said I'm just going to have a coffee do you care to join me, so I did, we found we had a few other things in common as well. Now our meet up point is the cafe in the library and we occasionally go for a walk together afterwards and sometimes pub lunch.
The second one I made when I was sitting on a seat in our local park, just watching the world go by, when a woman sat down next me and started chatting. She said do you live here ( my northern accent is nothing like the one where live now). When I told her I had lived here a long time she told me she had recently moved here and knew no-one. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet for a coffee the following week at a local coffee shop. I wondered if she would turn up and she probably wondered if I would but yes we both did, and now she is helping me to learn some proper dressmaking skills and I am helping her with her very large garden. Sometimes just smiling at someone can be the ice breaker needed to start of a conversation and friendships can lead from that. Other times I have joined evening classes and made friends there with like minded people with the same interests. If only we could be as we were as children when we making friends came naturally.

Oh notanan2 that was sad to read

“sometimes knowing a lot of people, but also knowing that none of them really care”

It hit home exactly what the OP (and you) mean. I never thought about it so deeply.
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