Lack of friends

I think you are absolutely right ... making friends/acquaintances is the easy bit ... to become friends takes two way effort...

This really resonates with my own life. Whilst still working full time I have no sense of loneliness. But know that when I retire , will need to branch out and seek new friends.

My closest friend sadly passed away two years ago, and I miss our long walks, silly chats etc. But long hours in the office and busy weekends tend to hinder a social life.

Thank you all for the practical and sensitive ideas. I too shall look into some of them more deeply when the time is right.

I really liked the idea of meeting up with fellow Gnetters here. So if anyone is near Bournemouth and would like a coffee and natter, please get in touch

I think our anti social husbands sort impose it on us. Take your confidence away and make socialising difficult. Yes how have we all stayed married? Once my husband is “ out there” he is not too bad but getting him going IS wearing.

I totally agree Carolina55. Many of my friends are the same. Shame really but I can't be bothered feeling like I'm forcing him any longer. Maybe it's just how many men become when they are older. He will visit National Trust occasionally or cinema and if I book theatre he will go. But we only have one couple that he will socialise with....now and again.
I'm perfectly happy. And so is he.

I dont have a lot of friends they are mostly old work friends.I dont live in the UK and here it is difficelt to make friends, they are not very sociable here and thats a well known fact. We moved to this area five years ago,I hardly know the neigbours. I am a member of two groups which is enough, as we are friends then, but dont contact each other otherwise.BUT a few weeks ago I decided to go to a "Language cafe" this entails meeting up in a local cafe for an hour a week, and helping people just come to this coutry to learn the language, this is after they have been to the adult education School all day, we just talk to everyone and help them to converse, it is lovely, we laugh and have a lovely hour, a good way to get to know other people, as well as we other helpers.Good Luck Vauxhall58

Having read all the posts one thing I’ve noticed is that some of us have antisocial DHs. Mine can be so irritating at times when he doesn’t want to socialise and I am determined that retirement is for enjoyment and trying new things/places & people.

He is close to his brother and says he only needs me but once he’s out he generally enjoys himself in whatever we’re doing. I find it quite wearing having to persuade him to try things but I will go alone if I’m really keen....and of course that irritates him! How on earth do we all stay married?

My husband plays in an amateur group. He doesn't socialise with them. He hates when they stop to chat. He would quite happily never socialise apart from an hour a week when he meets an old friend for a beer .
I'm a really shy nervous self-conscious person . I love time alone but I enjoy a bit of company too. If your socialising is centred round an activity it's much easier to make conversation and gain some confidence. The thing is you do have to push yourself and take a risk. Its difficult but the more you do it the less self conscious you become and your confidence will grow. You need to be patient too and give friendships time to develop. And make an effort to say yes when you are invited to have a coffee after whatever activity.....
Try U3A. I didn't like it at first but when I became more confident I went back and I enjoy it now. Local classes, library, churches, volunteering, all good ideas.
And do not worry about what people are thinking of you. You wont love everyone you meet and vice versa. Thats life and perfectly ok. Be yourself, be friendly be brave.
One step at a time. Think of one thing you will do now. I went to a local church 2 weeks ago. I didnt know anyone and hadnt been for 18 years and that was in a different county. I'm still alive and in one piece. It was fine.?

Join U3A or WI or Townswomen’s Guild. You’ll soon make friends.

Its an odd and uncomfortable feeling. I have battled with this for months and I'm sorry the " join things" advice doesn't cut it for me.

I tried and felt worse afterwards. So I am changing tack and sort of surrendering to it and becoming more self reliant. I used to have so many friends, the phone was always going or somebody at the door. Now, nobody.

Why not check the GNet meet up section to see if there is one nearby otherwise put a notice on yourself to ask if anyone nearby is interested in meeting up for coffee and a chat. Make sure you put your area into the title otherwise it might not be picked up.

I did this 2 years ago and have got to know some nice people, one of whom I meet up with outside the meetings which is really nice.

Good luck, it does take time to make a real friend and we all have to start at the start.

Stop expecting to find friends online, that's not going to work. You have to get out and join some clubs. Book club, poetry group, U3A, choir, national trust volunteer and more. Never say no to an offer to do something. If your DH doesn't want to go out, so what. You don't need someone to go with to any of my suggestions.

Onestepbeyond,

It helps explain our lack of friends.

A direct result of successive government policies.

But I did exclude Brexit.

Joining groups is a good idea but deeper, closer friendship takes time and effort. I went to live in France in 2013, didn't know a single soul , joined a craft and art interest group with about 50 members. I spent months moving from table to table, helping in the kitchen, staying back to tidy up, chatting and enjoying and getting to know people as the months went by and without conscious thought I realised that I had found my 'tribe'. Those of similar, if not like, mind. The initial chat was very general but soon evolved to the more personal as we began to know and trust each other. I came home after four years but have remained in contact with four special people, two visit me now and again and I would say they are as important as the friends I have known for many years.

My advice would be to join groups, be friendly, helpful and interested in others, don't be anxious or impatient about making friends it will come naturally in time.

Please don't rely on social media unless you are housebound. It is not a good route to deep and meaningful friendship.

Good luck

There is no answer to this problem, we are all different.
Join a gym. Check out your local U3A(s). If you religious check out your local churches. Find out about local groups (Art, History, Walking, Cycling in fact anything you might enjoy doing), Try to involve your hubby but if necessary do things without him. Keep in touch with the friends you already have.

Don’t give up! What hobbies and interests do you have? I think U3A is good, also local gardening, craft and walking groups? It’s hard to go somewhere on your own, I know. My husband is somewhat similar but I organise social meetings anyway and he’s happy to come along.

I have to agree with you, notanan2! You can be most alone in a crowd! I find it enjoyable listening to other different opinions and other people's lives, but it's hard to find someone who really listens and tries to know me! That's what I like about this site. All you women are really hearing what is being said and felt and trying to help!

I still have a core group of friends I’ve known since we started senior school. I think it’s quite unusual. I do have other friends too, though not a large circle. I think it’s more difficult to make friends as we get older.

I joined a local choir that a great way to meet more people and do events for charity. You dont have to sing perfect as there are different levels if voice. It fun we have a giggle and you feel better after the class.

Notanan2. What you have just written are my words exactly. He doesn’t need people. I don’t think he likes the idea of me having friends much.

Hello Vauxhall58 I was in a similar situation to you before I retired, working full time in a job where I was sole employee. Please dont give up hope because three years later I have many very friendly acquaintances and one good friend. Partly it has helped to have the time to meet and talk to people and really prioritise social contacts. I joined a Yoga class and decided I was always going to have coffee with class members and never skip that part of the morning. I dont let myself rush off from the gym without chatting to some other members. I volunteer at the hospital and talk to all the other volunteers. The more people you know the more chance you have of converting one of them to a real friend. However I dont find my real friend, or indeed other friends I have had in the past, have necessarily 'been there for me'. Its a two way relationship. Sometimes my friend can help and sometimes she cant because of things going on in her own life. I think its important not to feel rejected when someone turns down an invite or doesnt want to chat. Its just as much about how good a friend you are prepared to be to the other person as it about what they can give to you. It also takes quite a lot of time, and in the past I have found instant friends are frequently short lived, so its good to take it slow and not push things too far too fast. Good luck and I really hope something works out for you. Please dont give up!

(Suppose you cant win really though: my friends who have very sociable DHs have a whole other set of problems lol)

Two things. Firstly don't be so keen to make friends that you make the wrong ones. This has happened to me in the past and I've found myself stuck with people I don't really like but who have hung on to me. Secondly, I found a friend by joining a group where we had similar interests. Now she and I often go out visiting NT properties, on walks etc which is what we both like doing. You only need one good friend really and I hope you find one. My friend's advice to me was "If you want to keep a friend, you must BE a friend".

@Grampie

think you posted on the wrong thread entirely

*@Grampie
What has Brexit got to do with it *

Have you thought of joining an organisation called U3A - it is predominantly for retired people, as most of the activities take place during the working day - but, should your working hours be part time, evenings or mornings, then it might be something you could consider. Look it up online.