multigenerational living

All my sons and families live abroad. I spend 3 month spells in the USA and Asia as a Granny on tour
I am a very useful Granny managing frantic households, doing child care at times, laundry, cooking etc
But after my 3 months, I am keen to come home to my house in the U.K., where I live alone

I returned yesterday and am looking forward to meeting my friends of my generation, having a rant about today’s parenting techniques and having a lie in!

But when I am not able to travel, I will be alone and will be a care home resident
So I will take my Granny trips as often as I am able, as one day they will stop

I moved in with my daughter and three grandchildren after my ex sil left them and, a few months later, DD got a promotion nearer to our family in the Midlands. Garage conversion is almost done and I am looking forward to having a space of my own (DD and GC are terribly untidy (they admit it!) whilst I need things in order). We get on together but what does irritate me is the number of people who feel free to comment about our arrangement - most frequently saying they couldn't live with their parent(s) and inferring my DD must have stacks of patience (she doesn't). Because she works full time in a demanding job we only see each for a couple of hours a day at most and weekends fly by with roller skating/shopping/catching up with relatives/friends etc so we are not in each others pocket all the time.

To buy a house with a granny annexe presupposes having quite a lot of money to buy such a house and Annieis right to point out that there are a significant number of people in small properties and rental properties for whom this is not an option available to them.

But this thread is about doing just that, so we must presuppose that they do have the money and do have the choices, otherwise this thread is going nowhere.

I would love to have a ‘granny annexe’for very reasons you have said jumpingjaques, and long for the day that my DD and SIL suggest it - I think I would say ‘yes’ before they had finished the ‘invitation’.

Having cared for my maternal grand mother for eight years until her death at ninety four, I would never agree to my AC looking after me. I plan to stay in my own home with carers coming in. I would not want to be a burden to them. I think however much planning goes into it and how lovely everyone is to each other, it can so easily go wrong. Then where does one go?

But OP you don’t “live under one roof”.

You are essentially neighbours. Very very different set up

Not everyone owns property to sell to downsize ,and much depends on age.

I grew up living with Mum and Dad and my paternal grandparents in a three-bed terraced house which belonged to Nan & Grandad. When I look back, I have no idea how DM went from having a responsible job (she was in the Fire Service throughout WW2) to marrying, having her first child (me) at 33 - quite old then - and living with her in-laws (who, as they got older, she cared for until they died).
There must have been disagreements - but I was never aware of them, only of being surrounded by love as I grew up. I adored my Grandad, who took me out every Sunday morning (presumably while the dinner was being prepared) on 'expeditions'

We went to live with my grandmother when my grandfather died, it was not a success. My mother and grandmother would fall out over the silliest things, such as which biscuit tin for which biscuit, and how the towels were folded over the towel rail. We tried moving grandmother into our house, but that didn't work either, she eventually went into a nursing home after a broken hip, and my mother sunk into a depression from which she never recovered.

Makes sense to me if it's convenient for all concerned at the time. Another idea is to rent rooms to students with the idea that they get a cheap room but they are required to keep an eye on you.

My daughter is a surveyor, and has strong opinions on this. She says it is becoming more and more necessary as elder care is removed and restricted. She says that modern technology and design principles means that everybody can have their fair share of space for all their needs, that some facilities eg laundry, kitchen, etc can be shared thus saving on cost etc. She acknowledges that privacy, and own space away from company are vital.

As ever though, it takes money to design a place like this, a sort of family commune. In principle it seems fine. As long as people realise that my preference is not for crowds of people all the time - not over sociable. Even to her lovely boys.

My DD and SIL persuaded me to move into their granny annexe attached to their large main country house. I can honestly say it works perfectly for us. They need me hands on, mainly for DGS and pup sitting, plus I help with whatever else needs doing. We work as a team for day to day bits and pieces and DD insists we all eat our main meal together every evening, and we often cook together. But also, we are 100% respectful of each other’s spaces, I never intrude in their space and vice versa. Our connecting doors are always open and DGS flits back and forth ! I feel so lucky to be in this position.

When my father came out of the RAF we, I and my brothers, went to live with my PGM in a lovely 4 storey house by the sea.
Also living there was my father's divorced sister and her 3 children and the top floor housed an unrelated family of 4.
My mother was not happy with the situation as Mil forbade her to take my brothers and me through to the kitchen when mum needed to cook and she was also very overbearing. Mum gave dad an ultimatum - MOVE.
We did.

Yes I grew up in such a household, it certainly teaches you about tolerance & sharing, but I would not choose to live that way now, although it is comforting to know that families will & do still pull together & look out for each other .

When my marriage broke down, I returned back to the UK from Australia with my baby son and moved in with my parents, that was supposedly a temporary arrangement. Not sure if my sister (who still lived at home at the time was too impressed, but she had always idolised my ex and only got to hear his side of the story as I wouldn't talk about it).
It worked well for me. When my son was a baby/toddler, mum used to push me out the door on a Monday afternoon for some "me" time so I could go into town shopping. My dad was working away during the week, so mum and I worked out between us about babysitting - we belonged to different community groups on diff evenings as well as allowing me to go out with friends.
My son sometimes found it hard as my dad was pretty strict with him, but absolutely no input from his father! In fact my son has since said that after talking to one of his half sisters (from ex 2nd marriage) he reckoned my dad was a better father than his own ever could have been!

It's not always the older moving in with the young. My dd moved in with us a year ago with her DH and 3 children. So far so good. I work part time and do school runs and some childcare. Bills are shared. They dog sit when we are away. Everyone is happy. (so far)

My maternal grandmother came to live with us briefly. My maternal grandparents moved from Kent down to the Sussex coast on retirement. I remember my mother saying it was a bit foolish because the coast attracted retirees and then it was odds on the men die first and the widows were left wishing they hadn't made the move, well of course that's what happened. When I was about 10 we sold our house for a larger one when my grandfather died and my grandmother came to live with us, not for long, she died 2 years later. She had her own bedroom and lounge and I remember my brother and I would often go to her lounge of an evening because she watched all the situation comedies of the day, my parents were a bit restrictive with our tv viewing. I also remember her making divine steamed puddings. At a later stage my mother fulfilled her own prophecy when she and my father moved from Surrey to Sussex on retirement and she too became a widow for 8 or so years, but she had immersed herself enough in life down there to not want to move back to Surrey again.

We have intergenerational living a couple of times a month when our grandchildren come to us for the weekend, every other week, Friday after school till Sunday evening, son having split from their mother. I tend to reconfigure the house on those occasions, we are on 3 floors, so they have the top floor for sleeping arrangements.

My childhood was spent in a multi-generational home. I loved it. There was my grandmother and her sister ( they were both WW1 widows who'd bought the house together). Then there were their two sons - my Dad and his cousin. Then when Dad married Mum, the family grew and we kids arrived as well.

We had a shop, so downstairs behind the shop lived Gran and her sister and our uncle....then upstairs was Mum, Dad and us kids. Everyone helped in the shop, AND my Mum cared for Gran who was disabled with arthritis. Somehow it all worked really well. I doubt that this would work nowadays, but it was a wonderful way for a child to grow up, surrounded by family.

When DD1, husband and three children moved back to UK from abroad, they moved in with us for 9 months, while finding a property near Sil's work. We were very fortunate in having a large 5 bedroom 5 bathroom house. The only room we shared was the kitchen and we worked out a routine for that. Forward 12 years and we were downsizing to be nearer all 3 daughters, when roles were reversed They had the big house and all of our stuff that we were keeping went into store while we had alterations done to this bungalow. Again the only room we had to share was the kitchen and we were there for 6 months.It worked for us but you do need a very big house and be able to get away from each other!

Yes, as a teenager we had grandma living with us in a three bed terrace. She had the front room as a bedsitter. It was very cramped and mum had never really got on with her. Dad didn't like her either - she could be a bit of a tyrant. Eventually she had to go into a home. Sorry to say that it was rather an unhappy time for the family. Mum did her best (had to do a lot of running around after her) but never felt appreciated. I think there was a lot going on behind the scenes which we weren't aware of.
I think if you've got the space and you get on well it must be great though.

It one lives in a tiny one bedroomed social housing there is very little down sizing to do

That should read, ‘did not want to take full responsibility’. My mother worked full time,6 days a week, so she had no choice. She cookedfor us all and cleaned a large 3 bed house. Not surprising that she was so bad tempered.

So much depends on the people involved. My gran lived with us when I was a child. She made things very hard for my Dad and he always advised me not to live with in-laws.
She was very strict, she had raised 11 children of her own and probably did not, at 70, take full responsibility for my brother and myself.

My son lived with his in-laws for nearly 3 years while my Dil went back to University and while they saved for a house. They are the most generous warm hearted people you could ever meet. I know it was not without some niggles, but my son thought of them as second parents.

My sisters are not the past

It is all very well to be nostalgic about how in the past families could look after the elderly at home, but women did not work then, or in most cases did not have to work, the elderly person had to accept living conditions, quite common then, that would be unacceptable now: no space of their own, sharing a bed with another adult or even child in the family, sleeping in the family living room.

It always seems to me in many of these arrangements, the older generation have to give up so much for the system to work, dispose of a life time of belongings, in order to fit into the much smaller accommodation provided in most granny flats, quite often move far from an area they have lived in for decades and leave all their friendship networks and activities behind and then be eternally grateful and at the beck and call of their children and grandchildren for providing the accommodation (which they will probably have contributed to the cost of) they live in.

Yes, these arrangements can work, but an awful lot do not.