WWYD? Am I over-reacting? Not heard from relative for a while

I agree with Knspol. I might first send a note saying I was in his area and would like to pop in, asking him to confirm if that would be okay. Hope it works out well for you.

lemongrove
you said:
Why worry about somebody who you don’t have a good relationship with?

Because she cares?

Or don't you understand what that means?

He might be ill, needing help, embarrassed, not daring to reach out... many reasons for helping a person.

Listen to this true story. A very dear elderly friend of mine some years ago went through a bad patch of depression. He did not know what was wrong with him and had not heard about depression and what it was like. I did not know him well at that time but he told me what happened. He said he could not bear to go out, to see people, to do things. He just stayed at home, ignoring people and barely survived. His wife (I can attest to this) was a cold-hearted and forceful person not interested in him and she ignored him, instead leading her own life and multiple interests outside the home.

He was the flugelhorn player in the Town Band. There is only one flugelhorn in a band and the player has to be a good musician. He said he could not even lift his instrument.

Then early one evening outside his house he heard the Town Band, on the Street all playing. He was puzzled as he thought it wasn't a Fair or a special day. He thought to himself they would go away soon. The playing continued for several pieces. Eventually there was a knock on his door. His wife answered. She came to him and insisted he came to the door.

The Band Leader was there. He said, "We do not intend to leave playing here until you come out and furnish us with a Flugelhorn part. Do you want us to get arrested?"

You see? Some people, even a whole Band of people, do bother about another person who hasn't kept in touch.

What a good thing the world is not made up entirely of people like you.

You could also contact the police, explain the situation and your concerns and ask them to make a welfare check on him. They are usually quite willing to do this especially as you can give them all the details, name, age, health, address etc.

If you opt to send a letter, enclose a stamped addressed envelope and a sheet of paper so that it is easy for him to scribble a line or two to you.

P.S. When you say he's never invited you there, that is a bit of an Autistic spectrum sign too. Also he might have some problems like being a hoarder and not want anyone to know. Just be very open, and don't worry about what you see. You may be better off "stalking" him because knocking the door may not bring an answer. Does he have a next-door neighbour or one nearby? It might be worth watching the house till he comes out then going up to him. I don't know, it's not ideal! But if he wants to hide something then he will probably manage to do so. I'm in a terrible mess here in my house (see builder reference above) and am becoming anti-visitor!
How I hope you get somewhere. I'm praying.

An hour and a half travel time isn't very much unless you have your own health problems . Why not just get on the tube and see for yourself instead of trawling for GP surgeries or death notices, it would seem to be far simpler.

HurdyGurdy. I'm so sorry. This is a difficult situation and so worrying. You are right to keep in touch. I think most families of that size have at least one member who is less communicative. In my DD's family there was a lot of Autistic Spectrum and Dad was very quiet and not a socialite! But well loved. I am a bit reclusive as is my cousin the one who. like yours, is nearest to my age as the others are as old as my mum. This too as a result of a large Edwardian family and the fact that my Dad married late to a younger woman.
I have now lost my cousin's address! It's awful! I was totally messed up by a criminal builder - another very long story.

I would do everything you can. He may be going into dementia, he may even know he is getting forgetful and want to hide. But if you find him that would be better for him I think. There are so many things it could be. I would pursue it if you can. For your sake as much as his. If the news is the saddest - that he has died, then at least you will know.

Well done for keeping in touch with him. I worked with people with Autism. Not saying he is Autistic but just saying I know that people who find it hard to make social connections and don't know what to say still need to have friends and family around them. It's lovely that you didn't give up like his other relatives. Good for you!

Oh now is the time to swallow all your past hesidencies and go to his house Do you have a friend you could take as company Just because you ve never been is no reason to not go now It’s worrying you and so you need to alley those worriesif you are met with a ‘what do you want’ attitude you can drop all your cares and your emails but the poor man could be ill, dead, moved or anything and you need to know for your peace of mind If you are mobile make the hour and a half journey to put your mind at ease If there is no answer ask neighbours, four months is a very long time to have no contact and you will never forgive yourself if there was something you could have done and didn’t
Let us know the outcome

You can actually Madmum.
However I've just read that Hurdy Gurdy can drive there so there isn't really a problem.

Please come back and tell us HurdyGurdy, as my imagination is going all negative due to some past experiences of my own

You'/re all right, of course. I should just go and knock at the door.

I'm just a bit "hmmmmm", because in all the years he's lived there, he's never invited me there. He's been here a few times - I always thought it was because we had the children and it was easier for him to visit us rather than take over his house - and he's alluded to coming and visiting over the past year but not got further than that. I don't want to go barging in where I'm not wanted.

But I've hardly slept tonight, and I need to know one way or the other, so I will pop a letter into the post to him on the way to work this morning, and will get myself down there at the weekend.

Thank you all.

Why not write a letter to the people who live next door to him ? I did this once when a friend suddenly stopped communicating , and I found out that she'd been really ill. Neighbours often know the person, or at least they'd know of him. Just a thought .

How about local shops?
If he has a paper delivered or something you could phone them.

I was about to say that. Make an effort to go over there. You may not drive but surely could manage it on public transport? If that’s not a realistic option, then as someone upthread suggested, write to a neighbour with a sae.

if it were me I'd just take the tube and go knock on his door... if you feel that might be unwelcome, you could always ask a neighbour if they've seen him.

You could have been well on your way HG by the time it took to post your query.

You seem to have gone to some lengths when the obvious thing would be to go and see for yourself.
Do you have to drive? Could you not do it by public transport if you are not happy about driving.

You can hardly contact the police or SA if you haven't made the effort to drive for 1 and a half hours and checked for yourself.

I think I would be inclined to drive there myself, rather than get an outside agency involved.
It will be quicker, and your mind will be at rest.

No its not ridiculous. I would contact the Salvation Army. Or the police. I would do it sooner rather than . He may be ok but just in case...

HurdyGurdy, have you tried directory enquiries for a phone number?
(The OP does have his address, lemon grove.)

To be honest, if he didn’t ever give you his address or phone number, and was preparing to leave London, then he’s not interested in keeping up with you and has likely moved house.
Why worry about somebody who you don’t have a good relationship with?

The Salvation Army in his area could possibly send someone to find out if he's in residence still. Was he a member of any clubs you could contact, British Legion maybe?
I think I'd be making a trip to see him, especially if you don't get any response in another month.

Putting your address on the back of an envelope is good with 'Return to sender if undelivered' but even that means it could be popped through the mailbox and lie there for a while.
I hope this all turns out well.

Does he have any other family apart from you and the other cousins who don't bother with him? Do you know any of his neighbours whom you could phone?

I know that people 'prune' their Christmas card lists but that is worrying if he usually sends you one. One of my relatives isn't able to write her own cards now but I do get one signed on her behalf as she has family and we do phone each other occasionally.

1 1/2 hours doesn’t sound all that far if you are really worried. I thought you were talking about the other end of the country. Why not just take a trip over? Ask neighbours etc if you get no reply.