WWYD? Am I over-reacting? Not heard from relative for a while

P.S. When you say he's never invited you there, that is a bit of an Autistic spectrum sign too. Also he might have some problems like being a hoarder and not want anyone to know. Just be very open, and don't worry about what you see. You may be better off "stalking" him because knocking the door may not bring an answer. Does he have a next-door neighbour or one nearby? It might be worth watching the house till he comes out then going up to him. I don't know, it's not ideal! But if he wants to hide something then he will probably manage to do so. I'm in a terrible mess here in my house (see builder reference above) and am becoming anti-visitor!
How I hope you get somewhere. I'm praying.

If you opt to send a letter, enclose a stamped addressed envelope and a sheet of paper so that it is easy for him to scribble a line or two to you.

You could also contact the police, explain the situation and your concerns and ask them to make a welfare check on him. They are usually quite willing to do this especially as you can give them all the details, name, age, health, address etc.

lemongrove
you said:
Why worry about somebody who you don’t have a good relationship with?

Because she cares?

Or don't you understand what that means?

He might be ill, needing help, embarrassed, not daring to reach out... many reasons for helping a person.

Listen to this true story. A very dear elderly friend of mine some years ago went through a bad patch of depression. He did not know what was wrong with him and had not heard about depression and what it was like. I did not know him well at that time but he told me what happened. He said he could not bear to go out, to see people, to do things. He just stayed at home, ignoring people and barely survived. His wife (I can attest to this) was a cold-hearted and forceful person not interested in him and she ignored him, instead leading her own life and multiple interests outside the home.

He was the flugelhorn player in the Town Band. There is only one flugelhorn in a band and the player has to be a good musician. He said he could not even lift his instrument.

Then early one evening outside his house he heard the Town Band, on the Street all playing. He was puzzled as he thought it wasn't a Fair or a special day. He thought to himself they would go away soon. The playing continued for several pieces. Eventually there was a knock on his door. His wife answered. She came to him and insisted he came to the door.

The Band Leader was there. He said, "We do not intend to leave playing here until you come out and furnish us with a Flugelhorn part. Do you want us to get arrested?"

You see? Some people, even a whole Band of people, do bother about another person who hasn't kept in touch.

What a good thing the world is not made up entirely of people like you.

I agree with Knspol. I might first send a note saying I was in his area and would like to pop in, asking him to confirm if that would be okay. Hope it works out well for you.

BlueBelle. Good idea to take a friend for company!

Go for it HurdyGurdy there are so many reasons why he may have stopped communicating. You're a good soul, he may need you. Who knows? Perhaps he has a lady-friend and is so busy and in love he hasn't noticed how the time has flown!!!! But more realistically, I was completely out of touch Christmas 2017 and people thought I had just decided to stop writing. I was ill, cut off from people, just alone at home. The Doctor only comes out if you are dying. I could only just make it to the loo. I simply had to survive until I could start going out again. It took a very long time. Even now I can only manage very short trips to local shops for essentials. So he might be just existing and embarrassed/ashamed because he can't maintain the house now - like me!
Lots of love, good luck, prayers.

You sound as though you are a good, caring person. I understand your misgivings about possibly intruding on him but agree with others that you would be more upset to find later that he had needed your intrusion. If all is well and he doesn't appreciate your concern then at least you will feel better. I personally would go and visit, worth the risk in my opinion.

Go to Myheritage. They do a 14 day free trial. I just googled death records and found it. I do think looking for death record is your best starting block.

Not wanting to cast doom and gloom on the situation, I'd definitely go with your gut instinct and make further enquiries.

This is a link to someone I knew and seems unbelievable that she would die in such a way.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joyce_Vincent

There was a documentary on Netflix about it at one point.

That was my first thought Afeica
Please pop over and see for yourself Hurdy

Hmmm. Tricky one. I find keeping in touch more difficult these days. I have taken a lot of people off my xmas card list as I don't want to purchase a label printer but my hands suffer if I write lots now. So a few non close family/friends/acquaintances have fallen by the wayside somewhat. I would be mortified if someone I had taken off my list rang my bell to see if I was lying on the floor half eaten by an Alsation.

And it takes me AGES to do things now. So moving/packing/unpacking setting up the PC at new address/notifying the necessary people would take me more than 4 months for sure.

Your cousin may well be in the middle of a move and not in great health. If you are close I would've thought you would be notified if he had passed away.

I'm not sure I would drive over there. He may have moved or just be out. Or, be very resentful if you knock on his door uninvited.

I think if you are very concerned there are better suggestions. Drop a note to a neighbour with an SAE. Another member of your family who may know more. Drop him a line (making sure you put your address on the back of the envelope so can be returned to sender) saying you'll pop round if you don't hear (that always works with my son. If I don't hear for a few days and know he's ignoring me I threaten to ring his office to see if he's alive. Last time he messaged back within 5 seconds ).

It's a difficult line to tread between being concerned and wanting to find out if he's o.k. or overstepping the line by intruding. You know him better than us so choose from the advice on this thread what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do.

Well she s hardly intruding if she’s made no contact for four months Breeze

It is possible to trace a death certificate if you know the registry office that covers the home address of the person.
I did this once for a distant relative of my DH,whom his mother had lost touch with, we knew his full name last known address and date of birth and asked for a search of the death records we had to give a rough time frame of his possible demise which in this case would be easier; there was a small fee to pay.
However the easiest thing would be a visit to his house and I agree with the suggestion of taking a friend just in case

Afeica33. Thank you. A very important message. Terribly, painfully sad.

If anyone is distressed by this, I can give a comfort in saying that I had a near-death experience when the Doctor thought I had died and I went out of my body. It was so very beautiful. Filled with joy and love and many beings who knew me and loved me and the perfect White Light of Love before me.

Now, I do not fear dying, alone or in company.

Story: My aunt and uncle (both now deceased) had two best friends (another couple) who were almost like family.. When best friend's husband died (2005?), my uncle had been a widower for over twenty years. Uncle and the other widow continued to stay in touch (not in a romantic way). They spoke often by phone, sent cards, photos etc. and visited sporadically.

On his way to our family, uncle arranged to stop and visit the widow (about two hours from where he lived). She was delighted and even promised to bake something special. He arrived on time (for lunch) and rang the doorbell. No one answered. He waited. Went around the back. Wondered if she had stepped out momentarily. After awhile, he summoned the next door neighbor. Neighbor didn't seem concerned but had a key to the (shared) garage. Her car was still there and that's when they called police. When they went inside the house, she was still in her bed. The coroner later determined she had died in her sleep, around 4 am that same morning.

This happened about fourteen years ago. I know it's a morbid story, but alive, she was very independent and her two sons lived remotely. If my uncle hadn't been there, she might not have been discovered for days.

You needn't intrude. If you could get to his door and if he answers you can say you are dropping by and could he come down to the local for lunch/coffee/tea/ or whatever. You don't have to make him feel you expect to be invited in. You can say you will call back for him in an hour or whatever is best.

Good idea Tilly belle :-)

bluebelle he hasn't contacted 'her' for 4 months. She's emailed him twice in the last 5 weeks.

willa45. Thanks for the story. A shock for your Uncle but I don't find it morbid actually. I think it is rather wonderful. Given that we all die one day, it is as if she managed to see that her death was as easily dealt with as could be possible in the circumstances!

Check death registry since you last heard from him. If house is still in his name and gone into care he either has a fair amount if cash to pay costs or house is up for sale. Why not visit and ask neighbours if there is no answer at house

As you say HurdyGurdy your cousin responds to your emails about his health problems so that's why perhaps you haven't heard from in lately. More so if he's ill and elderly? Perhaps he was unable to go out and post a Christmas card to you. Maybe you have someone who could drive you to his house. I think it needs two people to go. It's not to say he would answer the door as he may be ill in bed or even moved house but with hope, a neighbour can give you some information. Another good idea that's been said is to contact the police and tell them your concerns or to contact the Registry Office in that area. I hope all goes well and please do let us know the outcome.

I’m sure one of us must live near if you want to meet up with someone to knock on the door with.

A friend of OH (were in ATC together, about 50 years ago) who we hadn’t heard from for a couple of Christmas’s I googled to find he’d been detained at HMP - pervert ?

Thank you again for all your lovely supportive replies, and sharing the various stories - sad though some of them are.

I have popped a card in the post to him today, saying that husband and I are planning a trip to Kew Gardens this weekend (I think that's fairly close to him - I didn't have a map to hand to check!) and it would be lovely if he could meet us for a coffee or lunch. I said if I didn't hear back from him, we would call by the house on the off chance he will be in.

I have even given my phone number - something I've avoided since changing my number several years ago, having spent more than enough evenings in two or three hour phone conversations with him, having been utterly unable to end the conversation! (Clearly he's better with the spoken word than the written.)

Again, thank you, and I will update you if
(a) I hear from him before the weekend or
(b) the outcome of our visit to the house.

Good luck HurdyGurdy. Please do get back to us with the outcome.

Well Breeze, that explanation accounts for my not receiving a Christmas card from you last year.
What a shame. I thought we were close. ????