Control Issues

This isn’t the same DiL that you complained about in Jsnuary is it? That DiL had only been with your son for 3 years, but in this post you mention 14 years.

I’m not sure whether you have two DiLs that are controlling or what? ?

I think, if you are genuine, you need to come back and explain.

Are you new, op? If so welcome.

Why do people think that they can control the parents then accuse the parents of being controlling?
It’s a very enigmatic post with nothing really to go on I cannot see how you can get any help with such a vague story

Mum and Dad are in charge and when we look after our GC we abide by their rules ...as I would have expected my parents and IL's to do with my children .

I think it’s a bit hard to comment as your post is too vague. What specifically do they object to? And how old are the grandchildren? Toddlers or teens? Very very different kettle of fish. Can you give more specifics?

The GC are, I suspect, getting the " right " attention that sadly isn't afforded by the parents.

Yes, I am not clear what the problem is. Is it minor - like no sweets, or vegetarian only, or is it something major, like - well I cannot think of anything off hand.

You clearly still see the children and have them to yourselves. Looking back on three generations of being grandchildren, me, my children and now grandchildren, relationships with grandparents have been based on who the grandparents were rather than what they did for us, gave us etc. Mak it clear when refusals are based on Parents Rules, we all have them/had them.

I would suggests top constantly comparing yourself with the other grandparents, worrying about what your children's motives are and just enjoy your grandchildren in the here and now when they are with you and let the rest go hang.

You don't seem to say exactly what the problem is. Are you giving your GC things their parents do not approve of? Occasional treats are usually no problem, but if this is a regular occurrence then their parents may well have a good reason to try and curb this aspect.

My house, my rules (within reason of course). Seems to work for us.

Why worry what you cannot change? It causes stress, ages you and spoils enjoyment of the moment.

A MIL is in a difficult position the child’s mother is main carer and has her opinions how to run the family, children, husband and home. MIL has greater experience but it’s not always relevant, the mother has set a routine for the children - fixed bed times, no treats, meals at a certain time and if someone else changes those rules it causes the children to say “but granny lets us”.

Those are words a mother does not want to hear, so why not just follow mums routine and save all the hassle.

What exactly are they objecting to?

So your Grandchildren are teenagers now? so easy enough for you to say to them , sorry but that’s your parents rules ?
You can’t replace time spent with them so just enjoy their company .

I'm not sure there is anything you can do. Some women are like that and have to control everything, including their partners. It could be that she has put your DS in a position where he has to go along with her against you. Imagine the scenario where she says it is you or her and the family.

If you have examined you conscience and are sure you have done your best, I doubt you can change the situation. There are some who think dils are always right and defend them regardless but that is not always the case as many on here have seen.

You don't say what exactly it is that you do while with the children that she objects to. Sweets? Treats? Presents? She may well have good reason for her perceived behaviour.

This must be hard for you both to navigate. Your grandsons are the beneficiaries of your love, time and any treats you supply. I cannot understand the envy that must thread along the bottom of some people’s thoughts about care for these boys. It’s not a competition!
Good luck going forward.