Can anybody relate to this?

Where did the ‘cheese’ creep in? ?

So many of us can relate to this. I pulled a muscle in my back on Friday. Could not move until this morning. It’s still very painful but at least now I can hobble with the aid of a stick. Had to miss family get together.

DH is trying his best but he’s very forgetful, and deaf and I have to explain everything to him several times. I just get fed up of doing his thinking for him more than anything else.

It’s my birthday this week. Think I’ll just give up and spend it in bed with a box of cheese chocolates, a good book and a bottle of wine. I’ll lock the bedroom door and keep the world out.

It sounds as though the cancellation of your holiday is the catalyst for your feelings, quite understandably. You were probably more than ready for a break and due to circumstances it got snatched away from you.
I hope you feel better tomorrow and can sort another holiday soon.

Hi Dragonfly

I think you are highlighting what other gransnetters should think about. I use to manage the household accounts etc as my husband was busy running his business. Now he is retired he has taken over all these things and deskilled me.

I must take things in hand and at least get him to make lists of how everything works.

That was the beginning of the end of my marriage - he was always working and I did EVERYTHING else, including working! He asked me what I would like for my wedding anniversary and I told him it was a weekend away without the children, in Prague, and I wanted him to organise it ..... when the day came, I got a bunch of flowers which incidentally lasted 24 hours, and a mug ....! The organising wouldn't have been that difficult either - we had friends in Prague who we could have stayed with and he only needed to pick up the phone to my Mum! I stopped organising that day to see what would happen - nothing! We went nowhere and did nothing ..... lasted 2 more years after that. It's great to love what you do, but to the exclusion of all else is too much ....

Thank you dragonfly and other posters for making me realise I am not alone. So often on gransnet I read of people having time to themselves and leisure activities that even in my late 70s I have no time to indulge in. I always had everything to do except finances which my ex wouldn’t let me do; I discovered when he left just why that was! So I had to take on sorting that out as well and then an AC landed on me with an unexpected DGC, who is the light of my life but there is no such thing as a spare half hour in my life. 5 minutes on gransnet is my recreation.

Shame about your holiday. I hope you get another chance to see Madeira.

Post menopausal women are programmed to look after the younger generation, that's why we have the menopause, so we no longer have kids of our own to look after and can concentrate on the younger generation. The only other species that does this is the whale. The older female whales look after the younger ones.

Only problem is he younger humans these days start relying on the internet and get themselves in a right mess.

I feel for you, and in a way I do think you have made a rod for your own back. People just get used to you doing all the sorting and don't really think about it. I do agree with some others who have said that you speak out. I did do this once and the result was great ,the family got around and made a lovely lunch for me.

Yes, I also identify with this. There is no easy answer I'm afraid because everyone has been conditioned to accept the situation. If you try to tell them how you feel some will be affronted, others will think you are having a hissy fit and some will take it as a personal attack. I have a lovely family but when it comes to jokes or sport they go to DH, when it is anything that matters they come to me. I've had a call today about picking up a car from a garage, I have to drive DH to pick it up. Fine but why was it me who had the call not DH? I know the answer I am reliable!

The alternative to being the go to person is that you may have to become the person who is 'too old'.

Oh that is a bigger! No wonder you are feeling unhappy. I hope you can reschedule if things get easier.

My husband is the one everyone goes to and recently he's become depressed about it. I'm guilty of letting him sort out holidays, finance, the cars, diy, and even the cooking. He's opted out of cooking lately and I find I'm quite able to do it. I sorted out a safety recall for my car and I'm proud of that. Sometimes living with a very capable person makes you feel you can't do the most simple of things.

I do indeed also know how you feel. I was a SW in jy work and it seems that I have been this for my family and others for a very long time!

But a great joy at the moment is that the hospice give me a massage while OH is having his treatment - it is truly wonderful! And she says lovely things like "You need looking after too" - I grab it with both hands and lap it up!

Part of it is that we were supposed to be flying to Madeira today but what with one thing and another we are unable to go.

Thank you all for your replies. I am feeling better already! I expect I will resume normal service at lunch time.

I know exactly what you mean, Dragonfly. I'm the driving force getting my DGS's autism diagnosed as well as looking after him very regularly, coping with my disabled DD's skewed thinking which is impacting on my DGD and looking after my DM who is failing physically with her mental capacity diminishing rapidly. Stop the world, I want to get off!
I was going to send flowers but I think you probably need and !

Another here who knows exactly how you feel. Any problems in my in-laws family, guess who they come to for a moan and looking for a solution, someone suggested doing something for charity - guess who ended up doing all the organising but was ignored when the "thank you" speeches were being made. A friend has just suggested we go away together, gave a long list of her requirements and now expects me to investigate travel companies, hotels etc. and once she has decided which one she prefers I will be expected to book everything.

I think it is something we have brought on ourselves, we have become "the organisers" but once in a while it would be nice to have someone else take on the work while we sit back and just enjoy the ride!

A couple I am close to had this issue recently. The DH was incapacitated and could not walk easily. Wife did everything. As he slowly recovered the pattern remained! It took a lot of cajoling from family and friends to get the DH to break his dependency habits! We were all firm with him and told him his DW would be in a worse state than him unless he got off his backside. All is now well...or at least better balanced! Recruit friends or family if you can to change this pattern.

dragonfly, I know exactly how you feel!
As others have said, we make a rod for our own back.
I must admit, I'm feeling a little bit resentful towards my children at the moment.
No matter how unwell I feel, I still find myself saying, "Yes!, not a problem!" I feel guilty if I say "No!"

It shakes the others up when you go on strike, once they notice.

My DM used to try to make me do things for her by telling me I made the best coffee or was the best driver etc and I used to fall for it.

I do help my elderly in-laws but not nearly as much as I could. I tell myself they should be encouraged to stay independent.

So many of us do this dragonfly help everyone and then responsibilities pile up gradually. You need to harden your heart and say 'no'. at times. Your health and that of your husband must take priority. Be up front with others and say although you would like to help circumstances prevent it at the moment. Hope things get better for you soon

I am an only child Grammaretto and so envy those with brothers and sisters. I have no fall back.

We even have friends where the husband has told the wife that if anything happens to him she has to call me, so it isn't just family.

Anyway I am on strike and DH (or not so dear at the moment) is sulking!

I understand Dragonfly it all just gets too much

Your DH needs a little bit of training, Dragonfly Tell him now that you are getting very tired and stressed and that at 10.30 you mean to sit down while he makes you a cup of tea or coffee, puts two slices of bread in the toaster for you and gets the butter out of the fridge to soften a bit. Tomorrow you will mention how much you enjoyed the tea and toast he made for you and ask him to repeat it.

Don't stop there - each day find a small job for him that won't have him standing for very long, until it becomes normal for HIM to look after YOU occasionally. If you don't, you could end up worn out and he could end up helpless and unable to anything for himself. Plus, it is noticeable how often it is the dependable carer who suddenly drops dead and the invalid who lives to a hundred - without their faithful slave.

I started a thread about Blue Monday before I noticed this Dragonfly.
As for always being the capable one. Are you the oldest child?
I am not and always relied on someone else to make the decisions.
You can make a rod for your own back so be careful.
Years ago a woman I knew was about to go into hospital for a big operation. She was cooking and filling her freezer with meals for her family for all the time she would be away. When I suggested her DH was a grown man she said she had never let him in her kitchen!
I think you are better off than you think. Being the capable one is a good thing to be and those like me can always rise to the occasion if those like you have to go on strike.

Oh dear! I too have a bad back & cannot stand for more than 5-10 minutes .but I can make toast or boil an egg..or even put a pre prepared meal in the oven!